Lately, I’ve been having the depressive thoughts going through my head. Some of them are saying that it would be better if I just ended it instead of continuing to live a life with pain and misery. And I just don’t see a purpose in my life. Nothing to motivate me to keep on living, yet I can’t let myself die. I’m not dead, but I’m not really alive. I just want the pain to end. And even though I have access to means to end it permanently, I can’t do it. I have no peace because I’m fighting myself with every action and word. I know I should tell my parents, but I’m afraid that the damage has already been done. I’m afraid that this can’t be fixed.
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It’s easy to be depressed, considering how stressful life is, and how difficult it can be to see something better coming.
Are you in pain now? If so, might it be better to address what is causing the pain in this moment before deciding how fulfilling your life can be?
Purpose rarely taps you on the shoulder and says, “here I am!” Some people are lucky enough to discover a talent that can translate into a purpose. A great many others have to decide on a purpose, just in order to find out if they have a talent that matches it.
There’s an overarching purpose that gives meaning to all others, which is to share support and love with others. That purpose can be fulfilled through an infinite number of skills and functions, in fact any work that is done with a passion for integrity either directly or indirectly fulfills that purpose.
With all that said, there’s no doubt that depression inhibits a person’s ability to find reasons for being motivated. It hard, or sometimes impossible to see any reality that doesn’t reinforce depression. That means that while depressed, there’s a lot of reality that cannot be perceived.
Damage happens, but so does healing. If you can talk to your parents, please do so. There’s no need to write yourself or your life off. Odds are, you still have over 80% of it ahead of you, and it’s filled with possibilities. It’s becoming increasingly rare that people can go without counseling at one time or another.
There’s only one way to find out, and that’s to seek help with an open mind.
Memories are bring pain. I have many different paths my life can take, but that’s the problem. I have quite a few talents, but I want to find a way that I can use most if not all of them. My mind and heart are damaged from this. From the thoughts, and the consequences of the actions I did from the thoughts.
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You may even have more than you realize. Talent is like treasure no one can take from you. It’s a form of currency. Imagine having so much currency that you don’t know where to spend it. It may not be practical to use most of your talent. For example, it’s probably quite cumbersome to be building a skyscraper while doing brain surgery on weekends. It’s also possible to make use of multiple talents in pursuit of a particular passion.
The mind and heart are resilient. Injury heals. When it comes to mind and heart, believe you can’t heal and you can’t. Believe you can and you will be able to.
For a time, despair can feel like a comfortable rut. After you’ve been in it for a while, you no longer have to care about or listen to others try to talk you out of it.
Your thoughts can remain parked in the mode of lost motivation, or you can ask, “do I want to feel motivated?” Are you content with despair, or do you want to feel better?
Is that problem resolved by avoiding all paths? The standard approach to path taking is one at a time. People usually take multiple paths before finding one that’s fulfilling. Some people have to perform unrewarding work in order to find fulfillment during their off hours.
I’m also reminded of being in a buffet restaurant and saying, “there are too many choices, so to hell with it, I won’t eat.”
You are NOT your thoughts. You’re the consciousness behind them. This consciousness (the real you) can decide if the thoughts you’re having are helping you or holding you back. Thinking something doesn’t automatically make it true. In your case, thoughts of hopelessness feel true, but actually aren’t.
Have you thought about counseling? I needed counseling for a while. It definitely changed my life.
I have been going to counseling, but it isn’t really helping
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It’ll probably take a while.
What makes you feel like it isn’t helping? Do you think you could name what isn’t functioning with this therapist, or therapy in general?
A lot of members in this community have varied experiences with therapy, and may share similar experiences or help provide some insights. Would love to hear more about this experience of yours. 
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It just hasn’t been helping. I feel slightly better after therapy, but afterwards, I feel miserable again
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I feel confused. I feel like telling others about what is going on in my life is just a waste of time. My life is a waste. No value unless I’m needed for something
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Human beings are made to be interdependent, and a lot of personal value is established based on what one has to offer, often in the way of emotional support.
What happens in the therapy that helps you to feel slightly better? Therapy is a process, and it’s not unusual for it to take a while before significant benefit is realized. Does the therapist know that you soon become miserable after a session?
If you could have anything you wanted, what would you wish for? What do you do for fun? Are you eating and sleeping okay?
I feel a little better after therapy, possibly because I talk a little bit about what has been going on in my life. The therapist doesn’t know that I feel miserable a while after therapy. I don’t know what I would wish for. So many things I could wish for, but I feel like it would be selfish for me to wish for them. I play games, watch movies, go swimming, and build things for fun. Lately, I don’t think I have been eating that well. I start eating, and then halfway through, I don’t feel hungry. I don’t know why, maybe it’s a side effect of my depression. I just feel like things have been spiraling down lately
Being miserable a short time after therapy is something you really need to tell your therapist. It sounds like the symptoms of your depression are not well managed under your current approach.
You need to be selfish enough to maintain your own emotional well-being. However, you have mentioned doing some enjoyable activities. For that reason, along with the fact that you feel that your spiraling, there is a definite need for you to explain this to your therapist.
Dearest Slayer
I know its easy for us onlookers to comment on how you feel and ask you to keep trying as it is every time we respond to a post here, (you know, you have been doing this a while too) I think the hardest thing to get across to anyone in a reply is the level or intensity of care or love that goes into it but I hope you know that when you do get a reply its from the heart.
Slayer, you really are so genuinely loved and cared for here, when we see you start to lift up, we lift up with you and when you are down again we are right there at your side and its so hard not to be able to physically reach out to help and to only verbally hug you and tell you that we are here and its gonna be ok. I hope you know all this is from my heart
lastly wings is right you do need to be selfish sometimes, it is allowed, wings is very smart, you should listen to him.
take care for now Lisa xx