I’m 30 years old, I have a 5 year old daughter and I feel like I’m losing the war. I’ve fought many battles up til now but there’s been nothing harder than this. I’ve been married for 6 years to a narcissist or is she? I don’t even know I can’t even tell you. Because I don’t have any frame of reference it’s been blown to shit and I don’t know.
But what I can tell you is the emotional abuse the manipulation the lying the breaking of promises etc has been overwhelming. My wife left us the first time about two years ago and came back after 7 months and served me with divorce papers. During that time I spent every day wondering if anything was worth it any more. I attempted suicide twice the first time being by pills the second by a noose.
This time around the dark thoughts have been there I’ve had the suicidal thought the tears and questioning myself if I would matter in this life how much do I matter to the people I know my daughter included. It’s hard to describe the level of love I have for my wife and how I hope she realizes how much she is losing herself but she doesn’t think anything she’s ever said or done is wrong it basically feels like she even forgot everything as to why she was in love with me why she married me to begin with.
So I just feel sacrificing myself by suicide would make me daughters life better, it would make my wife see things clearer, to take off the burdens on there shoulder which is me. I’m in pain from everything she’s done and said to me so it would be amazing to just not feel that anymore but at the same time I don’t want to leave my daughter because I don’t know if she will be better off. If I had a good answer a good idea about it. I would take the exit easy peasy. Idk I’m sorry
I am so sorry that you are going through so much hurt. Let me start off by saying right now that your daughter is NOT better off without you! She needs you! She would be so heart broken to know she lost you. It would be such a hard thing to grow up with. You know? I know you want to be a part of her growing up and seeing her accomplishing things in life. Learning.
But I know the hurt of a toxic marriage. I was married for 13 years and recently went through a divorce. I tried hard to save it for years. By speaking up and sharing where things were falling apart. I tried to communicate but no matter how much I cried and tried to fix it, it’s like he just couldn’t get himself to want to fix it. I don’t know why. It was such a toxic environment and eventually I left.
You deserve to be loved and respected. You deserve compassion, support, patience and understanding. And I’m sorry that your marriage hasn’t provided that for you.
Please seek out help if you need it. A therapist or whatever would work best for you. A pastor. A friend. Anything. That can listen to you and work with you through this hard time. I know it’s not easy. I hit rock bottom myself. I felt like I was going crazy. I was so beside myself I thought there was no recovering. And then one day, a friend reached out. And that friend literally changed my life. I am no longer in that relationship and in that environment.
It took stepping outside my comfort zone to get out and reach what I have now. It wasn’t easy. It was very hard. It was mentally and emotionally draining but it was worth it.
I hope for you that you can find something or someone who can offer you comfort, peace, understanding, love, strength and guidance so that you can find fulfillment in life and within yourself. Hang in there my friend. I know it’s not easy but you don’t have to go at it alone okay? <3