I really don’t know how to say all of this. For a while I considered creating a seperate account so that I didn’t have to worry about people seeing this. But I’m so tired of keeping all of this inside that, screw it, I’m just going to be honest and open. But I need you to understand that this isn’t easy for me. It never is easy. It takes so much for me to face what I am going through. I’d rather just swallow it and let it slowly kill me from the inside.
I am so lost. My heart is so heavy and I just feel like I ruin everything. I have a wonderful talent for pushing people away. And I noticed that I don’t have any friends anymore. I mean, I have people that care about me, but I have no one I can just call. I don’t have anyone I can truly be myself around. I always feel like I am wearing a mask or playing a character. I play whatever part I need to play so that I’ll be wanted. But the problem is I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I only feel like myself when I am lost in music. When I am at a concert or listening to my favorite music nothing can hurt me, not even myself.
I have been depressed and I have been isolating myself again. I know it is so unhealthy for me to do, but I just don’t have the energy to fight it. When I am around people I am constantly asking myself if I am good enough. Will they think I’m funny? Cool? Interesting? I am constantly putting myself down and calling myself names and I am so tired. I see myself as ugly and unworthy. I feel like people would be better off if I never was in their life in the first place. I think that people are happy when I don’t show up. I am an embarrassment.
I really wish I could self harm. But I am going to the beach soon and my parents would notice. So instead I’ve been binge eating. Crying and stuffing my face at 1:00 am to bury everything isn’t healthy, I know that. I just feel so hurt. I don’t belong anywhere. Sometimes I feel like I should have died years ago.
I think I may delete this later. I just needed to take off the mask for a moment.