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Losing The Fight

I really don’t know how to say all of this. For a while I considered creating a seperate account so that I didn’t have to worry about people seeing this. But I’m so tired of keeping all of this inside that, screw it, I’m just going to be honest and open. But I need you to understand that this isn’t easy for me. It never is easy. It takes so much for me to face what I am going through. I’d rather just swallow it and let it slowly kill me from the inside.

I am so lost. My heart is so heavy and I just feel like I ruin everything. I have a wonderful talent for pushing people away. And I noticed that I don’t have any friends anymore. I mean, I have people that care about me, but I have no one I can just call. I don’t have anyone I can truly be myself around. I always feel like I am wearing a mask or playing a character. I play whatever part I need to play so that I’ll be wanted. But the problem is I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I only feel like myself when I am lost in music. When I am at a concert or listening to my favorite music nothing can hurt me, not even myself.

I have been depressed and I have been isolating myself again. I know it is so unhealthy for me to do, but I just don’t have the energy to fight it. When I am around people I am constantly asking myself if I am good enough. Will they think I’m funny? Cool? Interesting? I am constantly putting myself down and calling myself names and I am so tired. I see myself as ugly and unworthy. I feel like people would be better off if I never was in their life in the first place. I think that people are happy when I don’t show up. I am an embarrassment.

I really wish I could self harm. But I am going to the beach soon and my parents would notice. So instead I’ve been binge eating. Crying and stuffing my face at 1:00 am to bury everything isn’t healthy, I know that. I just feel so hurt. I don’t belong anywhere. Sometimes I feel like I should have died years ago.

I think I may delete this later. I just needed to take off the mask for a moment.

Cassie

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Precious Cassie,

I know it must have been hard for you to post this, but I am so glad you did. You are seen and loved here. There is nothing to be ashamed of in sharing your struggle.

Thoughts and feelings can seem so real - even when they are not. You are not a burden, and you are definitely not ugly. You are beautiful and loved. You are seen here.

Lately, I have been caught in a loop of anxiety, where I think people are upset with me, or looking down on me cause of something I’ve done or said. Negative thoughts perpetually linger in my mind telling me everyone “hates” me. I question every little action I make. But I know that these thoughts don’t measure up to reality. When I rationally think about it, these thoughts don’t line up with what I know is true. That said, when the thoughts still don’t stop, I rest in the truth of who God is and in who I am in Him. Even when my thoughts don’t line up, I rest in the fact that there is a greater truth than what I’m feeling. A greater love holding me in the storm. I find great hope in that.

Hold fast, friend. You are worth so much more than you know.

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@IAmCassie
I want to say that I am proud of you. I get that posting you demons is hard. You are so worthy of love and attention. I also used to eat my feelings when I felt that way. You will over come this we are all together in here and support you. If you ever feel lost I am here. Maybe find friends at the concert. Or rethink your friendships.

Hold fast we believe in you

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I’m sorry that you are having so much difficulty right now. We tend to isolate ourselves because of our depression and both our depression and anxiety tend to tell us a lot of negative things that aren’t true. It’s hard to feel like you can’t be yourself around people but sometimes we are the person limiting ourselves because our anxiety makes us feel nervous and apprehensive. The first time I was honest about my depression with my best friend was when I tried to take my own life. This was about 5 or 6 years ago now. I was also an alcoholic and not accepting that I needed someone else to help get me out of that dark hole. It’s hard when you feel you can’t trust anyone but you just have to try. Even if you just bring up to one of your friends “hey, I’m not doing okay, can you come over and just be a soundboard?” A lot of the time people feel like they have to help you fix your problems if you ask them for help but sometimes the company is enough. The more you keep stuff inside, the more it is going to eat you up inside. Talking about it can help reduce the stress and anxiety and you can also do an old fashioned thing where you write everything down on a paper that is bothering you right now and then burn the paper to ash. Just don’t do it inside or set yourself on fire or cause any damage to personal property. Lol. You need to talk, and we are here, but you also need someone to vent to in person

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I’m glad you did, Cassie – if we can’t be honest here, where can we?

Isn’t it crazy how we can feel so secure in one moment and be totally blown into despair in the next? How we can feel like we belong and then get SWALLOWED by this fear of rejection – is this real? Could I ever truly be loved and accepted? Not if they truly knew me…I’d be too much…they would leave, just like everyone else. That’s why I’m sitting here, feeling totally and completely worthless and who even cares? Who would even notice? I have no one to call and no one who calls me. I am truly alone.

What I think is more important than telling you you’re not alone (because you’re not; I face those thoughts too), is taking a look at why you think these thoughts…

Truth is you’re not crazy, man. All that stuff you’re telling yourself isn’t true, but it’s also not crazy. There’s a reason you think it. You’ve had these experiences in your past that have imprinted this identity on your heart, that you will never belong.

Where did that come from?
When did you first start to doubt that people approved of you?
When did you first start to think you are ugly? An embarrassment? Not enough?

Chances are if you can start to find the places you were wounded – the places where you first started to begin believing these lies about yourself – you’re going to find a level of understanding and compassion for the place you’re in. Because you’re not crazy – your story, your life, your pain, it has given you a reason to think and believe these things.

We all have them. We are all wounded. But few people take the time to name the pain they’re truly living from, the things they believe about themselves and how they came to believe them. There’s so much freedom in just naming, “This is where this all started. This is where these beliefs came into my life.”

And when you can name them, you can break them too. You can break up with those beliefs – reject them, renounce them, and no longer let them control your life. It is a moment and a process – but in order to start that journey you have to find it.

So where did this all come from, Cassie? You’re not crazy. Sassy! But not crazy. Right? :slight_smile:

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Nate this is perfect, and helped me also. Thank you so much for sharing such powerful truths.

Matt

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Cassie. I’m proud of you for reaching out with your own account. We love you and we’re here to help you. I know how hard it is to want nothing more than to self harm and being unable to. I’ve been feeling myself isolating alot from those that care about me and do nothing other than help me. However I finally started opening upto them one by one again and I’m getting through those urges. You belong here, with us. Don’t delete this - we’re here for you. You can fight this.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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Thank you all for your responses. Just coming here and talking about what I am going through is helping to defeat some of my demons. And Nate, everything you said is so true. I think I have more demons that I haven’t faced than I realized. I love you all.

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Cassie, I’m so sorry you are going through this . You are good enough … and I am sorry you are hurting . Just know you are NOT alone through this fight. If you ever want to talk about anything I mean anything my pms are open . You are loved no matter what <3.There was moments including lastnight I haven’t been feeling good enough, I’ve felt like i want to die . But I know thing will get better even though I feel like it won’t

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Cassie. I’m so proud of you for posting. I know how freaking hard it is to post on the wall. I have posted a few times under an annonymous account around my relapses to not be recognised. I’ve been in, and continue to be in a place where some of the only things on my mind is suicide/self harm. I KNOW what it’s like to be in a position where all you want to do is harm but be unable to do so… I can feel myself isolating from people that have done nothing but show me love and support because I feel like a burden. You’re not alone in feeling this way at all. We are those people that you can reach out to and take the mask off with. You BELONG here with us, you deserve to be happy and have a break. You’re so worth this battle and you are such a light in this community. Even if you feel it’s too much to post on the wall, reach out to one person or a handful of people. We can help you through this, as I was told very recently by people I trust more than anything, we fight this battle TOGETHER, and there will always be someone there because you are good enough and you are worthy of the love of others.

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Cassie, friend, I know where you are. I’ve been there. 100% been there. I’m so sorry you’re in this place right now. You are such a cherished member in the HS chat. I can tell you, and I don’t mean this to minimize it because it’s a huge thing, a lot of the thoughts you’re describing here are so much those vile symptom thoughts depression loves to feed us. Total BS thoughts. And they sound so accurate, they sound so meaningful, heck it’s our own inner voice saying it so it must be accurate, right? But no. Now, I’m not saying there are real things happening in your life right now that aren’t upsetting like wishing you had more friends. But the impact and the meaning you tell yourself about what that means about you is the lie. You don’t have friends means you are not likable or something like that…lie. I don’t do A, B, or C so I’m not good enough…lie. I feel like people would be better off…lie. I wish I knew of a cure for these thoughts. Heck I’d be free of them! I can offer things I do to help myself which is to think of those thoughts as not really being me. They’re just junk thoughts being created by a brain that sometimes makes junk. Just like sometimes my hand draws something cool…and other times my hand makes a abysmal mess. When I think of those thoughts as just junk it makes it easier for me to just think “yeah okay brain thanks for that thought. Next.” When I don’t get emotionally tied up in those dark thoughts they seem to leave me quicker. I’m not feeding them if you will.

So don’t delete this post because this is just as much you and your amazing beautiful songs. And know you are loved. And even if you don’t have someone to turn to…that’s okay…take a walk and just focus on how awesome nature is, or how refreshing a drink of water is or any little thing that refocuses the mind on the tiny but amazingly cool things around you.

Seriously praying for these dark thoughts to pass soon for you. You got this. (Sorry if this is sloppy and nonsensical, typing fast at work)

Mantlebeard

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Cassie, I’m so glad you posted. You are none of the things you think you are. I see you as one of my best friends. You have such a huge heart for others and have helped and inspired me. You truly are beautiful inside and out you never need to change yourself for anyone, you are perfect the way you are. You make me smile and laugh every time we talk. You do have friends, tons of them, all of us here are your friends and you will never be able to push us away. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way, I feel the same way often but we have to keep reminding ourselves that these thoughts are lies, you are perfect just the way you are. Love you friend.

-Evan

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Video response:

Hold Fast Cassie, you are SO LOVED.

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Friend, you are a wonderful person. You are always encouraging others. You have so many friends here at hs. You matter and are so loved. I’ve always enjoyed our conversations. You are a friend. We are here for you. I’m always available as an ear.

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@IAmCassie,
You don’t have to wear the mask around us. Talk to us. We want to see the real you. We won’t judge you, I promise you that. I want to see who you really are. Don’t fake it. All or nothing is better than faking. You don’t have to be anything for anyone. If they don’t understand you, that’s just them. Don’t let other people’s opinions and perspectives change you. There’s nothing wrong with you.
You don’t owe it to anyone to pretend to be this or that. You are NOT ugly. I don’t believe someone as strong as you can be ugly, because looks aren’t everything.
We are here. We will always listen to your heart and everything you have to say. Say it. You deserve to have a voice.

I bleed for you
Forever I will lie awake
I would die for you
I see the truth
I’ve given you my heart to break
I would die for you

Die For You - Black Veil Brides

Listen to it, and stay strong <3

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This had me crying. Thank you so much for posting this here for me. When I was watching I kept feeling so loved and then I would doubt if I should feel loved. But I am going to let myself be loved right now. Battling this on my own has not gotten me anywhere and I need to let others in. Thank you for this.

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no that made perfect sense Mantlebeard. Thank you for responding. It’s just hard to filter out which thoughts are worth listening to and which are not. I just think letting myself be more open to people who I know love me is a way to start. And letting others remind me which are worth listening to and which aren’t. Thanks again

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What do you think keeps you from letting people love you? What are you afraid will happen if you do?

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I am late to reply. Hehe. Cassie, you are an amazing woman. Every time I read your posts, my heart gets crushed. I wish I can hug you, cry with you, and not say a word. Sometimes, silence is beautiful. You are beautiful. Not because of how you look, but because of your character. I love watching your guitar playing videos on YouTube, I get exited when you PM me, and I am looking forward to your next Twitch stream! Haha! God loves you, my friend. I love you too. This community loves you. If you need someone to talk to, you can PM me on Discord, Twitch, or Messenger. I am available. Except my sleeping schedules. Heh. Thank you for sharing this. You are worth fighting for. Keep fighting. You Are The Storm. Thank you for reading this response. I hope you are having a safe week. God bless. Stay strong. :hugs:

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To be honest I just feel like I bother people. I have let people in before I immediately regret it and wish I could take back everything. It’s knowing that nothing is permanent and people leave. It’s telling friends I was suicidal and then having them never call me again. I just don’t want my issues to bother others. But it’s so hard because I’ve become so distant to some very good friends and I think they think I don’t like them anymore and that’s not it and then I feel guilty and on and on…

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