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Lost and Overwhelmed

I’m sorry to be posting again, but I don’t know what else I can do. A lot of times so much goes on in my head that I need to talk about but I can’t talk to anyone in my family or friends because they don’t understand, and each therapy session I go to is a week apart at least.
This world is getting me down. I see bad stuff going on all the time and I wish someone would kill or imprison the bad people responsible, or make it so they’re no longer in power and are held accountable for their evils. Because I was bullied my whole life, I always want to fight back against things, and alot of times they are things out of my reach, out of my range, out of my influence, and out of my control. I feel powerless to help.
Ever since Trump became president alot of bad things have happened in the world, and evil people get to do what they want, unchecked. Nobody is doing anything major to combat them. I’ve been awake/aware since then, of all the bad things in this world, and it hurts me not to be able to help in a meaningful way, like as a super hero, or ultimate assassin like Rambo or John Wick. I look back on my life before 2008 and it was hard, but this is worse. I now know all the world is and does, and it hurts.
I am overwhelmed by the amount of evil these theocratic, greedy politicians are getting away with…taking away peoples right to choose, and be who they want to be, taxing the poor and not helping the homeless/helpless, taking bribes from dirty companies and voting against progressive legislation, and that’s JUST in this country, not to mention the dictators in other countries who are currently destroying their people and invading other countries, and only a small percentage of the population can agree on what to tackle at the same time. There is no unifying call because nobody can decide what to fight for first. All anyone is able to do is send “humanitarian aid”, but nobody is going in there to kill the bad guys. Nobody is voting out the bad politicians because their voters are too stupid to realize what’s going on, or they agree with alot of what these assholes believe in. I think those kind of people should be sequestered in a handful of states, and then never released. That’s where they live, forever, and the rest of America doesn’t have to deal with them. Let those racist, bigoted, gun-toting, “christians” stay in their world and think backward until they all die out, while the rest of us flourish and prosper in a world where Trans kids and other LGBTQ people can be who they are without being threatened or killed, where women can choose what they want to do with their bodies when it comes to all things, especially pregnancy, and where we can build a better, cleaner future, without worrying about dirty power and crooked politicians who hamper our efforts.
I see everything that’s going on in the world and I’m overwhelmed because nothing can be done. I see my own life and I feel useless. I feel pointless. I used to be special when I was little, and now I’m nobody. I’m a jack of many trades, and a master of nothing. I have no confidence in anything creative that I do. I’m always tired or having migraines from overthinking about my problems and the problems of the world. I’m in pain every week and wondering what the hell I can do that doesn’t involve giving up and living like a fucking normie. They’re all on pills and blissfully unaware of the world around them, or they don’t let it get to them, because of the fucking pills they are on. I’ve been on pills and I don’t like other people controlling me. I just don’t know how to stop being overwhelmed, and think straight, and find meaning in my life. Stuff that used to make me happy, doesn’t make me happy anymore because I’m always worried about what’s next that I have to do. What other social injustice do I have to fight? What other asshole company do I have to boycott? What other cause do I have to spread info on to fight for? What other potholes do I have to report to the city streets department? What other chores do I have to do? What else do I need to do today… besides work, cook, drive my girlfriend to/from work, and make sure my cat is fed and clean?
I can’t be happy anymore. I can’t be creative anymore. I can’t find joy in anything anymore. All I can do is potentially distract myself from the horror of this world, and the pain and suffering in my own life from being an ineffectual little nobody who used to be good at so much, but now can’t do anything truly awesome anymore. I have no purpose. I have no fire. I just wish I didn’t exist, and that the people I care about are well taken care of, and can move on with their lives. I’m sorry. I can’t adequately express all the pain inside of me. I’m just an old, unfulfilled man with no purpose and too much pain and hatred inside me to do anything good.

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It’s okay to post and share what’s on your heart, @cmscalvert. Especially when there is so much to express and such heavy burdens weighing on you. There is no need to carry them alone, could it be even just through online connections. It doesn’t have to be stuck in your mind and only felt by you. I’m proud of you for expressing yourself today. No apologies necessary for using your right to talk.

I feel so much of your heart through your words, and have to admit that I find a lot of mine in there too. Feeling the world’s chaos and injustice all around. It overwhelms you and makes you want to retreat in a corner. It freezes you and makes you feel stuck in this very very tiny spot, hopefully unacknowledged from the awful things happening out there. If nothing happens in this very personal space, then it has to be safe, right?

I feel the weight of the world with you. It is not chosen yet it is there, in our mind, in our body. It is deeply frightening to acknowledge such amount of pain, distress and helplessness. How easy it is for human beings to destroy, burn and create chaos while we know how long it takes to rebuild, recover, restore and heal.

I wish I had deep words and profound meaning to share through this reply, though just like you I am at loss of them at the moment. That doesn’t mean life would be hopeless or meaningless. There’s more to it than just this darkness. Which is exactly why we crave for something different. We know there are things worth fighting for. There is beauty worth seeking. Still it is okay to acknowledge when we feel lost in the fog, when nothing seems to make sense anymore. This is a position and emotion we collectively share, friend, either often or not. You are not alone in this and I hope you don’t impersonate those emotions as if it would be a lack of strength or a personal failure. Because it’s not. It is, unfortunately, part of the heaviness of being a human being sometimes, with having the possibility to both produce the most beautiful gestures, or the most monstrous ones. Being aware of what revolts you, what hurts you and what you don’t want to feed in this reality is a strength. Most people don’t even understand why they do things and why they feel a certain way.

Beyond the world itself, what makes your world keep turning, friend? What are the things you can do in your very own space and environment? Bringing beauty to this world, no matter how small, is never meaningless and doesn’t have to be compared to the grand scheme of things that we can’t control. Your creativity, for example, is a unique gift and treasure. Something no one else than you can bring into this world. There might be obstacles in your mind, resistances of all kind, but to keep learning to overcome (or walk around) them is so worth it.

The world around us keeps turning, but sometimes “the world” is held in things that are often overlooked. The soft feeling of the wind on your skin. The smile of a child. The kind thought to someone we love. The flowers slowly turning to the sun throughout the day. The repetition of days and night cycles. The breaths that you have right here and right now. The world is held in it. It exists through it and through you. You are not just an observer of the chaos around. You are, still and always an agent of beauty, even during times of deep doubts and hurt. You bring a unique verse to this giant story because you are.

I mourn for the ugliness of the world, with you. Though today, I want to choose to also celebrate your beauty. I see it. I see you. I’m grateful for your honesty, your thoughtfulness, your heart and your existence.

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Even tho I can’t stand Trump, the evil in the world started when humans came into the picture, not when he became President and it will continue until the end of time. Look at history, we can’t blame it all on him.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling lost and overwhelmed, I think most of the world if feeling this too. What is happening right now on Earth is horrible. I guess the only thing we can do is ride it out and try to live the best life we can right?

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The only thing keeping me alive is my responsibility and obligations to my family and friends, and an unfortunate survival instinct. Things that used to make me happy, were gaming, music, and voice acting, but I am deficient when it comes to all of them. Aside from that I don’t bring much to this world anymore except trying to support my friends, which no longer makes me happy, especially when they are in major situations where I can’t help them. I hate having to be the responsible one in the group but I always am. I don’t know how to overcome the resistances I see/feel, since everything normies say should work, doesn’t work for me.
With as much pain and suffering I see every day, from political resistance and upheaval, human rights battles, racism, bigotry, the wars overseas, the on-going plague that will never end because of peoples’ selfishness, it is not possible for me to see any beauty in this world for more than a moment, because once that moment is gone, the world keeps on spinning and evil/greed keeps persisting, without ever dropping off. I can’t live in a single moment of happy forever. I need to know what my purpose is, and with the world being the way it is, I’m so depressed, I don’t know if I will ever find mine. I will exist without any personal fulfillment until the day I die, and I hate everyone else who gets to be happy, while I’m alone and miserable, just trying to survive and not die of Covid.

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Valid point indeed. Humans’ growth on this planet without any heed of consequences has definitely been the cause of the world’s woes, overall. Things just got WAY WORSE when he came to power, and all the assholes stopped hiding, came out of the woodwork, and proclaimed their evil intentions to the world, and them being loud, angry, opinionated, and armed to the fucking teeth, gave rise to movements of similar hatred worldwide, just as we were trying to turn a corner under the previous administration, and making some real progress. Now since then, everything that Obama did right, Trump un-did it, and that’s why we are stuck in a pandemic, sitting in our chairs as a democracy crumbles in Europe because we can’t be involved in a war with Russia, and watching people get killed because of racial hate crimes, anti-LGBTQ laws and criminals, and people are letting this happen. I see people fighting to reverse this BS every day, and I am miserable because I can’t fix it for them. I feel helpless, powerless, and worthless. I have no purpose in life… only obligations, responsibilities and a stupid human survival instinct. I don’t matter enough to make a real difference. Watching all of this evil unfold makes me furious and there isn’t a god damn thing I can do to help that matters.

If anyone else has any words of wisdom I’d greatly appreciate it. Being stuck in this loop and not being able to determine when I can actually slow down, or stop fighting, or be at peace is exhausting and causing problems with my relationship.

I’ll add a tiny contribution, who knows, it may help?
When the immediate things feels to large, i like to change the “lens” of my mental and emotion focus. Either go microscopic (daily life, the literal people around me, the things i have control over, the choices that are mine to make, etc)
Or I like to go super duper wide, and look at all of creation. there’s a video I found about the universe in a time lapse. humans on earth barely register on the universal scale, and that helps me remember how massive the system we are located in actually is.

When people say we’re destroying the planet, what we’re really doing it hurting ourselves, not the planet. The planet will survive us, outlast us. Know that, knowing how small we are, helps me focus on the things that I can do, of the energy I contribute to this energy system.

Let me know if this helps at all (hope it doesnt make things worse for you!).

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Thank you for sharing this. While this does tell a bigger story, I know how our solar system ends. I found out in 4th grade. At that moment I was shattered and hopeless. I cried. From that moment, I was bullied my entire school career. This pain left scars that will never heal. This pain is one of many reasons I have no ability to adjust my perspective to stop worrying. I see everything and take it in as fast as my tiny mind can fathom it.
I’m no doctor/lawyer, astrophysicist, political scientist, solider/general, farmer, mechanic, engineer, or any number of professions in this “tiny” world, but I contain multitudes, like many of my brethren. The perspective of my pain has given me knowledge of my infinitesimal status as a micro-organism in billions of years of history. It is that knowledge that contributes to my continued painful existence. People who were able to find and focus some of the power and knowledge of this world are used by bullies to further their own agendas, to preserve their own power. The greed of man permeates our existence at all levels. It is this greed that has us in the current world state we find ourselves today. It is that lack of perspective that these power-mad bullies have, that contributes to the downfall of our existence on this world, and impacts our daily lives.
Just as multi-cellular organisms were created over time by the evolution of many single-celled organisms, so must we collectively unite to take down the systems put in place by those bullies to insulate themselves from judgement and perspective. The ignorant, megalomaniacal ruling class need to be taught and punished for their crimes, and the laws of man that keep them in power need to be dissolved, so that true democracy can prevail. Unfortunately, we are currently locked in a standstill on many fronts. We are unable to do anything that will offset the fragile balance of those systems that would cause them to come crashing down on us all and escalating our ultimate demise at the whims of these easily-offended tyrants.
Misinformation and disinformation have divided us as a people. The bullies have fostered their own culture of ignorance to keep themselves in power and protected; projecting their beliefs onto their simple constituents and empowering them with that lack of knowledge and limited perspective, so that they remain dumb and subservient to the system.
Unfortunately, as only a simple cog in the system that counters that, I do not have the power to run an entire system, or even to set in motion a movement that could ultimately save humans from themselves, and bring about progress, change, acceptance of others, and end mankind’s fear and hatred toward that which is simply different. The same fear and hatred shown toward me when I was young, that gave me perspective of my lowly existence on this rock in space. It is by that lack of power that I am frustrated, overwhelmed, and lamenting that I cannot do more to escalate our evolution on the RIGHT path, to end the pain we feel when our needs are not met. To stop the greed of the few, to fulfill the needs of the many. Something that is sorely lacking in today’s world.
It is by this knowledge and perspective that I see myself as nothing, while constantly wishing I could do and be more. As Dennis Leary once said, I’m no leader. I do what I have to do. Sometimes people come with me.
Being stuck in the middle of hell, watching those around me, and those I care about suffer needlessly at the hands of bullies infuriates me, and it hurts to know that there is nothing I can do, because the world is so fractured, that people can’t focus, as a whole, for an extended period of time, to rise up and overtake their masters for the RIGHT reasons… Not because of religious beliefs, or comfort, or fear of others, but for true progress and prosperity. For advancements in technology that will finally stem our dependence on old ways that are slowly killing our existence on this planet, so people who harm none (physically, emotionally, or mentally), are free to live their lives and forge their own identities, and proudly proclaim themselves without fear or hesitation. They can be proud individuals, but at the same time part of a contingent that is a NEW era of human existence.
The average human doesn’t have this perspective. It’s something we learn only when taught properly. It’s something that breaks our tiny minds and unlocks potential for greater knowledge, and challenges our place in this world and this universe, to do more. History and information that is hidden from us KEEPS us dumb and keeps us confined to the systems of the bullies so that we never rise up. Those of us with enough perspective are too busy fighting multiple battles, like spinning plates, we fear that if one falls, they all will, and that there isn’t enough of us to keep fighting on all these fronts, that there isn’t a true unifying cause that we use our full power for, all at once, to overpower the system’s protections (police, gestapo, soldiers of the powered bullies), dethrone these assholes, and make a real difference. None of us get to do this because no one sees beyond themselves long enough. No one thinks they are capable enough, for long enough, to abandon what is for what might be if we just got off our asses and came together.
I fear for the PEOPLE of Russia and Ukraine, because of the system of oligarchs that are in place, oppressing them, killing them, imprisoning them for fear of what those people might become. Those people are struggling every day to stay alive, like many around the world who are being oppressed, and there is no force, no heroes that are there to keep the power-hungry at bay, and protect them.
I fear for the women of america, and the world, in places where they are not given the choice of what they can do with their bodies.
I fear for the LGBTQIA2+ people in this world who are oppressed, imprisoned, and killed for being who they are, because of theocratic rulers who hate what is different and doesn’t align with their beliefs.
I fear for the scared, sick, and dying in this pandemic who aren’t able to be vaccinated because of where they live or their immune system, and for those of us in this world who just want to live, but can’t because of the ignorance, selfishness, and shortsightedness of others who refuse to do what’s right to eradicate this plague, in the name of their so called freedom. I lost my grandmother, and people I know lost family and friends to this disease, all because the bullies were in power and didn’t take it seriously when it was first discovered. Their stupidity is costing millions of lives world wide, and we can’t do anything beyond ourselves, our decisions, to add to the greater good. We can’t move the mountain needed, to see a clearer, brighter future, because of the way our world works.
I see all of this, and know all of this, and I feel useless and powerless, because I too am stuck in a daily grind, watching the world crumble. I’m struggling between trying to be creative and make things for myself, and make myself happy, while at the same time knowing the painful predicament my fellow humans are facing everywhere. It’s because of my perspective that I feel guilt for their suffering. I feel like I can never do enough, even with the small things I’m already doing. I’m not ready to give up my life and my day job to join the peace corps or any other army, to try to make a slightly bigger dent than I already am. I am so full of fear, that for months in 2020, I never left the house and had all our food delivered. I’m still scared to try to do the “normal” things others are doing now, DURING THE ONGOING PANDEMIC, that make them happy, like going to movies and cons, and wrestling shows, and concerts and all of that. I’m miserable because they are happy. I’m angry because people continue to flaunt this disease as no big deal once they are vaxxed. I’m vaxxed too (3x Pfizer), and mask up when I got out, but so was my dad, and he got sick too at his job, If he wasn’t vaxxed it would have likely killed him, same as my grandma. I would not willfully invite suffering. I would not recklessly venture out into the world and take risks if I wasn’t at least 99% sure I was going to be ok. The way the world is now scares me, infuriates me, and makes me wish I didn’t exist, so I wouldn’t have to endure this pain, which is even only a fraction of what others are facing daily. Why was I fated to have this knowledge, and experience this mental/emotional suffering, if I couldn’t do anything to stop the evil in this world, and end the suffering of others?
Sorry for being long winded. I had a lot to say.

I’m sorry if the diatribe I wrote last time rubbed people the wrong way or freaked anyone out. I had a lot to get off my chest. My therapist has been talking to me about changing my perspective and trying to re-work my brain to diminish my cognitive distortions. I got really upset because everything I detailed before (above) is still on my mind daily, and I don’t have much of a way around it. I can’t trust the rest of the world to do the job and make things better. I can’t trust that people will do the right thing and not act in their own self-interest. My mind has been negative since I was little, and I don’t know how to reverse that. I can’t get past my trauma, and everything that’s going on in the world just reinforces those responses in my brain. Is there another way past this, besides trying to be positive, or having to be controlled by medication?
Please help.

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Let me know if I need to start a new topic. I’m still struggling, mentally. I’ve had nightmares the past week or so due to stress.

we’re here to listen, either here or in a new post, wherever you prefer!

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I’m still stuck in this overwhelming nightmare. I hate the world around me. I hate that we can’t just kill or imprison the REAL bad guys that hinder world progress. I hate that people can’t just calmly work together to eradicate this virus. I hate that Putin is still allowed to live, as he continues to destroy tens of thousands of lives every week. I hate the right-wing religious assholes who don’t believe in science. I want all of them to die so that the rest of us can live happily. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m frustrated. I feel helpless, and powerless, and pointless. I feel like this will go on forever. I didn’t want to witness the apocalypse in my lifetime but this is what it’s building toward, assholes will nuke the world, while everyone is out trying to have fun in the middle of a fucking pandemic while all my disabled friends can’t do shit, and all my seemingly healthy friends are catching covid. My grandma died, and for what, so that my despicable, narcissistic, greedy aunt (HER OWN DAUGHTER), would learn a bit of humility and empathy? NOPE, she bled my grandma dry while she was alive, and when she died, all the money was gone. To distract people from this, she was the one who planned the memorial service, and all the activities to get everyone in the same place to mourn grandma.
I want to destroy the people responsible for this. I want them all to suffer and beg to die. I want to watch them beg for their pitiful lives. I want all the corrupt politicians, despotic dictators, and sleazy lobbyists and CEO’s to suffer and die, so that the good people of this world can live in peace and move forward. I want all the dumb ass-backward redneck fuckers, and Jan 6th sympathizers to go to prison, or be locked in one state, so their racist, bigoted bullshit dies out and we never have to hear about it. I wish Joe Biden would take executive action and make some meaningful change, and said FUCK the southern states govt, and tells them YOU DON’T GET TO TELL KIDS HOW TO HATE GAY AND TRANS PEOPLE! YOU DON’T GET TO TELL WOMEN THEY CAN’T GET ABORTIONS IF THEY CHOSE TO! YOU DON’T GET TO KEEP YOUR KIDS RACIST AND NOT TEACH THEM ABOUT SLAVERY AND ALL THE RACIST MASSACRES THAT HAPPENED IN THIS COUNTRY! YOU DON’T GET TO LIVE YOUR BIGOTED EXISTENCE ANYMORE, AND THE FUCKING SOUTH WILL NOT FUCKING RISE AGAIN, ASSHOLES! Seriously, what’s the best way to make that happen, because I’m listening and waiting for a satisfactory solution, that doesn’t end in me being locked up, or put on fucking pills, or telling me to dumb myself down just to get along in this world.
I can see and understand EVERYTHING. I may not know the minutia of every single science in this world. I’m not a doctor, lawyer, physicist, cop, bus driver, or any other complicated profession, but I can see how everything interconnects, and everything that currently exists to keep people down, and keep us afraid and compliant. I want it to fucking stop!!! I want there to be someone who gets up raises a fucking massive army, and makes change for GOOD, for DEMOCRACY, for PROGRESS, Freedom WITH RESPONSIBILITY like they have in some countries in Europe, but I can’t do anything to make that happen, and it hurts my heart, my mind, and my soul that I’m this fucking doomed. HOW THE FUCK DO I MAKE PEACE WITH MY OWN DOOM!? ANSWER ME THAT!!!

I put up a reply post, but nobody responded.
I hope everyone else is ok, because I am not.

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Hey @cmscalvert,

People respond when they can around here. That’s how it works on any forum. Rest assured that it has nothing to do with you/nothing to take personally. Sometimes responses take time to happen.

I’m sorry to hear you’re not okay today. How can we support you?

Thanks for replying. Just wanted to know I’m not purposely being ignored, since that’s how I feel everywhere else.

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hi there,
I’m glad to see that you did indeed shared a post here

I hope that for a few moments, it helped you in some way to be able to vent and express these big emotions you have within you. I saw this term and I don’t know if you’ll connect to it: Doomscrolling.
https://www.endocrineweb.com/news/what-is-doomscrolling-and-how-to-stop

You’re not alone in feeling weighed down by the horrors of the world.
BUT
I wouldn’t want anyone to get stuck in a place where the beauty of small moments are lost while our faces are turned towards the wrongs and evils of the world.
An act of kindness, a moment of beauty and grace, a spectacular sunset, the cool calm of a river… While there are indeed many wrongs that exist, there are also moments of beauty and light and kindness and love that we must never lose sight of.

And you can put down the phone or the mouse, you can step away from having your mind and your emotions crushed by the weight of all the negatives. You don’t have to ignore them, but you can focus on the small, on the decisions you make.

I’m glad you’re here with us. This is a beautiful safe spot for sooo may of us. The wrongs of the world have scarred many here, people have been the causes, but the friends and well wishers, and even the silent audiences that click the little heart to say that you are seen?
This is a place I would not want to get lost in the avalanche of pain and anger and powerlessness that global events that cause.
You deserve a place where you too can be reminded that you have worth and value, that your thoughts and feelings MATTER. Somewhere around the world, I want you to know that you are seen and heard, and that you too deserve to feel peace, even if there are things you can’t change.

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Hello Sita,

Thank you for responding. I read over the article, and while I am somewhat guilty of doomscrolling, I’m also trying to find any GOOD news that goes along with the bad. Any HOPE out there in spite of everything bad that’s going on. I rarely find anything. Things are just getting worse and worse.
First the pandemic still goes on after some redneck fucktard in Florida decides that mask mandates impinge on peoples Freedumbs, so now only conscious people wear masks because nobody else HAS TO, which is stupid, ass-backwards, and makes me want to kill that judge. He deserves to die for setting back the progress we made over the last year. Over 1 million people died of covid in the US alone, and assholes like that are what perpetuate its existence, mutation, variants, and longevity. We couldve squashed this 2 years ago, but the Q-publican death cult spin machine made it seem like it was no big deal, when I could see death on the horizon and I wanted no part of it.All those politicians who perpetuate trump’s big lie, deserve to die. I wish I could kill them all, but I have neither the training or weaponry to accomplish such a task, so I’m stuck, hopeless and powerless, and it makes me furious, depressed, and sometimes suicidal.
Next is the war in Europe. I want this to stop so much, but nobody is willing to kill the person responsible while hundreds of thousands die for some russian psychopath’s ego. He deserves to be killed with extreme prejudice for all the death he has caused, FUCK DIPLOMACY!!! KILL THE BASTARD!!! If we’re all going to die from a nuclear ware in the next year anyway, killing him won’t matter in the short term. Again, I am powerless to stop the destruction. I wish I was a super hero like superman, except I don’t follow any rules and I kill the bad guys or make them crippled and throw them in a super-max prison where no one can find them. Every corrupt politician and every military dictator would feel my wrath.
Lastly, as of yesterday I found out Elon Musk bought twitter. The board who runs it and the major shareholders just let it happen because they wanted money and couldn’t stop it, and now because he owns the fucking platform, he’s going to bring back the evilest despot in US history, and perpetuate hate speech on the platform moving forward, and there’s nothing we can do to stop him!!! The fucking rednecks have all the fucking guns!!! We can’t stop them from killing us if we piss them off!! We’re actually fucking doomed!!!
If war comes to my door, I will fight it to protect my people. I will willingly kill anyone who actually tries to hurt myself or my family and wants to kill us.
I’m in pain right now because of how bad the world has gotten. I’m furious because nobody has any way to stop it! I am screaming at the top of my lungs for someone important to do SOMETHING to fight all this pain and injustice! NOBODY IS DOING ANYTHING!!!
So in general, yes I understand about doomscrolling…BUT DOOMSCROLLING MY ASS!!! THE WORLD IS GOING TO HELL, FAST!!! THERE’S NOTHING I CAN FUCKING DO TO FIX IT!!! THERES NOBODY WHO CAN MAKE THINGS BETTER!!! THERE’S NOBODY WILLING TO KILL THE BAD GUYS!!! I AM NOT FUCKING SAFE ANYWHERE!!! IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL THEY KILL ME OR A NUKE KILLS US ALL!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!!! HELP!

I felt like I wanted to not exist anymore today. I also felt like I wanted to kill some magats today. I feel like I’m not heard. I feel invalidated. I feel worthless, helpless, hopeless, severly fucking depressed, anxious every day, and hating this fucking world every other day. Human’s stop caring about the pandemic the minute the CDC’s morals were bought out for “the economy”, and some asshole in florida decided the mask mandates, which were keeping people alive, weren’t constitutional and so everybody said fuckit, we don’t have to worry anymore, while every other doombot and disabled person it america is telling us that we still have to remain vigilant. I don’t want to die from Covid. My grandma fucking died from covid and I don’t want that to happen to me or anyone else I care about. I’m just tired of everybody doing what is wrong. I want God to take away free will for one month, and just turn this fucking world around. Just make every human do the right thing, and not have mass gatherings, or conventions of any kind, to have everyone in the world mask up, to get everyone vaccinated whether they like it or not, and allow us to move past this time in history with a real chance at hope. I don’t want to witness the end of mankind in my lifetime. I don’t want to see all the people I care about die off because of some supervariant, because assholes decided to be irresponsible. I want to kill all of the stupid magats, racists, bigots, and white supremacists out there who won’t allow people to have progressive lives and be free to be their diverse selves who aren’t hurting anyone else.
I just watched Superman Injustice the other day, and I think that version of superman was right. You have to make people do the right thing, but within reason, and celebrating a murderer should have fucking consequences. Maybe not death, but certainly life in prison, so that ideal itself dies out.
I’m fucking lost. My therapist can’t help me. Nobody can. Not even the people I care about. They all want me to go on meds and stop worrying about shit that’s beyond my control. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT WHEN IT’S IN OUR FACE EVERY DAY???!!! EVERY DAMN DAY MORE PEOPLE ARE DYING FROM MASS SHOOTINGS, DISEASE, POVERTY, FAMINE AND WAR!!! I CAN’T FUCKING TURN MY BACK ON WHAT’S GOING ON!!!
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME!!!

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Hey @cmscalvert, I can absolutely understand how overwhelming these things can be. I know it’s causing a lot of suffering for you, and I want you to know that despite all that’s happening in the world you deserve to have that pain eased. Whether the situation is dire around us or not, in this community we want the best for each other. You care about the world, and it’s important to remember that the people you are interested in saving are individuals, just like you. You are just as worthy of support and care.

I won’t argue the point that there are seemingly malicious political forces out there, not operating in good conscience and putting us all at risk as a result. I like to discuss these things, but on Heart Support I don’t really want to talk about politics at all. All I want to say is that while I agree that there is very much going wrong, there are different things we can do with that information and it’s important to make choices with that in mind. It’s not about turning our backs on others’ suffering, it’s about doing what we can for them and ourselves at the same time. I can speak to that personally as a semi-frequent poster on here – I cannot post a lot every day or I will burn out fast. It’s better to do what I can and give myself the space for self-care on days when I have less energy so that I can make more posts in the long run. Do you think it’s possible to apply this idea to your current situation too?

I see the pain you feel over the transient nature of life, too. It can be a scary idea, maybe it can make the universe seem a little cold sometimes. Then again we know that our lives won’t last forever, but aren’t they still worth living? Even if we were sitting in the eye of a tornado right now, just about to get swept up, I’d still want to give you a hug. What matters is how we spend the time we have. Humanity might be something like that, and what matters most to me is that we fill this limited time up with as many precious moments and expressions of love as we can.

I think that we and the people around you can help you, but only if you are willing to let us. In the world there may be a lot going wrong, and there is always so much we as individuals can do to help, but that shouldn’t completely distract us from all the good that is out there too. It’s possible to make the world a better place without the process being overwhelming, and if you’re open to it I’d like to explore that idea with you.

As for medication, I used to be pretty skeptical too. Just recently I’ve started a regiment and while the adjustment hasn’t been without its hiccups, I’m so glad that I’m on it. It is such a huge relief. It’s not a terrible idea to lean on a chemical crutch sometimes. We take medicine for maladies of other parts of the body, what’s so wrong with assistance when there are problems with balances in our brains? It wouldn’t make you any less ‘you’, it could just help us through the rougher times so we can learn to cope.

I’m interested in talking more if you are, friend. :heart: Feel free to let me know what you have to say about my comment, just know that it’s coming from a sincere place. I would very much like for things to get better for you. I hope you’re doing well today.

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Rick,

Thank you for responding. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write out a heartfelt and thorough response.
I often wonder if I am alone in how I feel; that no one is as passionate about what’s going on in the country or world, or no one is as ANGRY as I am about many things. I feel like I’m the angriest person in the world, all the time, and there’s no way to get around it. I see all the problems in this world and I feel like I should be a super hero who can fix this, and I’m not, and it makes me feel like shit, and makes me feel helpless trying to watch all of this BS happen every day. I don’t know how many other people care the same way, or if we could all find each other and mobilize a change.
I can understand your hesitance to discuss politics, but be assured, they are the reason many of the world’s problems persist.
It’s not that I don’t see the good things being done in this world, it’s just that they don’t seem to be enough. Sure we can protest about shit, but cops will keep killing people for no reason, gas prices will always go up, and they won’t ban assault weapons until it affects the people in power. I mean, what can we honestly do to make a crater in this thing, not just a tiny dent like we’ve been doing for the past 7 years (or 22 years depending on your perspective)?
To me, if I’m not aware of the problems, and doing something to help (even as tiny as signing a petition or calling/emailing a govt rep, or retweeting resources and raising awareness), then nothing gets done, and I feel like I’m part of the problem, and/or useless. I woke up in 2008 when I lost my job in the crash, and nearly died in my sleep of depression. Since then I’ve become more and more aware of the injustices in this world. As someone who has been bullied since kindergarten, it’s part of my CORE that bullies must not win, at ANY level, so I do what I can to fight, wishing I could do more (like Superman did in Injustice after Joker killed Lois and Metropolis), but I can’t.
Yes, it does feel like I’m ignoring the problem when I’m NOT thinking about stuff and taking action. The space I give myself varies throughout each day, either during meal times, or after work, I zone out or do something else like watching streaming, and not maintaining watchful vigilance during that time.
I feel pain because I see the pain of others, especially those I care about, knowing I can’t fix their problems, or cure covid, or help meaningfully. The thoughtlessness and apathy of others on much heavier issues that oppressed peoples are suffering (disabled, LGBTQIA+, racial issues, politics) eats at me, because they aren’t willing to do what’s right to help. They’re more concerned with their individual lives, and not humanity as a whole. I feel like I care too much. But at the same time there are people putting their lives on the line out there when I’m not, and making sacrifices I’m not willing to make, and it makes ME feel less than helpful or worthy. Life just keeps getting worse by the day, especially in a 24 hour news cycle, with ever-desperate people committing crimes to get further in life, or in some cases just to survive. We are all in the fucking storm. We are never getting out. It depresses the hell out of me, and only my friends/family/responsibilities are preventing me from taking my own life. I don’t want to exist in a world that is stuck in a vicious cycle of never-ending pain, where karma does nothing to punish the wicked in a way that moves us toward world fucking peace. I’m not one to “live life while you’re still alive” because I stopped being selfish long ago, when my friends told me how much of a selfish dick I was being, and I strived to be humble and giving, and empathetic, and kind, sometimes even if it costs me time, money, and energy. I’m certainly not going out and doing the things I want in the middle of a damn pandemic, after my grandma died of covid due to the carelessness of other family members, and while disabled people suffer worse with long covid. The things I want to do, I can’t. PERIOD. It’s too fn dangerous and it’s not fair. The only way to NOT see the world as a swirling vortex of death and pain IS to DISTRACT yourself in other ways, and If that’s the only thing I can do, then that sucks. It’s not fair, and it’s not fucking worth it when more needs to be done to fix the fucking world.
I hate medication because I was forced to be on it since age 16 to my mid 20’s. It made me a pussy who didn’t care as much, or a numb useless shell, and I never want to go back to being that way. I am ANGRY for a fucking reason. That’s what many people don’t seem to understand. They see why I’m angry, and they just don’t get it. It’s like they’ve resigned themselves to the “fact” that they can’t do anything to help, so why be mad about it. My brain doesn’t work like that. If you call that broken, then I’m fucking broken.
I can’t ignore the pain of others. I can’t ignore what’s going on in the world. I can’t get over this feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, and until something MASSIVE changes in this world to move things forward, then that’s how it’ll likely always be, until I eventually die or get killed.

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