Lost, drained and hurting

[TiredBat]

I’m so tired, Nightmares, Depression, my body hurts all the time anymore. i feel like harming myself as a way to punish myself for how someone e i once felt was family feels about me. but right now my body already in pain, i normally hate pain but when I’m like this it is just an overwhelming feeling to make myself hurt. over the last 8 years my life has been going down hill beside the small good things that have happened to me, Ive lost 4 family members back to back one being my birth mother. she died in my arms twice once when she collapsed and the other when i had to pull the plug. i lost more family but mostly due to disowning, one family member used me emotionally during my moms death, the berated me and told me he hated me not 2 days after they told me they saw me as a sibling. it hurt i no longer talk to them but it was probably for the best, I’m estranged with most of my family its mostly my fault because of my social anxiety.

I’m Different from my family the only one i have even a little bit in common with is my father, but that’s mostly show.game related, hes distant emotionally otherwise. i have friends but they are all long distant, after high school i lost contact with everyone i knew, i was also in an emotionally abusive and physically abusive relationship at that time a swell after dealing with the neglect and other bull in that relationship i finally gained the courage to leave that partner at the time. over the years i gained friends and a new love interest whom i adore dearly, but right now my friends and SO are all struggling with problems of their own, normally I’m the therapist/mom friend but i can only deal with so much before my social battery drains,sensory overload will kick in soon after then i try to isolate myself but even then i try to still be there for them.

Im trying to do what i can including get on SSI at least until my therapist deems me mentally well enough to work, i want to start an art business with my friends and SO my biggest dream is to open a bakery. but if i clam up and my anxiety spikes leaving home/talking to people i don’t know how am i supposes to do that?

but right now I’m in so much pain, i cant take it, but i cant take anymore over the counter meds to make the pain stop. ive tryed to reach out to talk on so many diffrent sites and deleted so many post. this is my 6th or 7th attempt? i think i lost track i started at around 6 pm. its midnight now all because i got yelled at,i started to have another mental brake down. dosent help that mothers day is tommarow, i dont wanna be a burden i just want relife to the mental pain

[Aardvark]

Hi TiredBat,
thank you for reaching out. Welcome to Heart Support.
i am sorry to hear that, sorry for the loss of your mom. my thoughts are with you.
what you share here is brave from you, reaching out and letting that out. there is a lot that is going on in your life,
a lot of that was and is living with you still. also grief is something we should never underestimate.
we need time to process for ourselves, we need to take care of ourselves.
social anxiety is not your fault at all, many people are living with it, myself also. we did not choose that. nothing of
that all. life is hard on its own.
you have done so great so far, you are there for the people you love and who love you. now there is the time to love yourself, to give yourself self care and time to heal. time to grow.
in therapy you learn how to deal with worries and issues better with time, how to cope better when life is getting
you. you are loved, you matter most feel hugged

[JennaLouise]

Hi Friend,
Reading your post felt a bit like reading part of my own story. I really wish I had the words to even express just how much I wish I could take those struggles from you. You’ve been through things that no one deserves to go through. I want you to know that I’m incredibly proud of you for having the courage to post here after trying to reach out in other spaces. That shows so much bravery and even so much desire to do what it takes to look after yourself. I also want you to know that social anxiety isn’t your fault. The things that you’ve experienced because of social anxiety are not your fault. I am so happy that you’ve got friends and a SO that you can turn to. And I really like knowing that you’ve got dreams and plans for your future. In all of my past struggles, those were often the things that pulled me through. I hope that you’ll keep your eyes forward on those goals. I hope that therapy is so helpful for you. And I wish you nothing but the very best for your future. You deserve all of the good things that life has to offer. I hope that you’ll post here again. Welcome to the community.

[Micro]

Dear @TiredBat,

First off, thank you so much for reaching out and sharing all of this in this community. You are in a safe place, and the very fact that you’ve taken the time to write all of this and post it is truly an act of courage. Thank you for your vulnerability, your honesty, and for not staying alone with all of this.

I personally relate to quite a lot of things you have shared, especially when it comes to losing your family in a short amount of time – both through traumatic deaths and by stopping to be in contact with other family members. It is a lot of grief to go through, and it is completely understandable that, with the perspective of mother’s day tomorrow, all of this pain feels particularly present. It’s this kind of day that is supposed to be full of joy, but when you can’t celebrate it anymore for one reason or another, it feels like you’re punished and only have to endure it over and over.

Friend, what you have bravely shared here is not your fault. Whether it is what happened to the people you love, the fact that you can’t talk to most of your family, that you struggle with social anxiety, that you have a hard time with setting boundaries when people around you are struggling, and just everything you feel right now… none of it is your fault. None of it would mean that you would be broken. And none of it will ever define you. There have been objective circumstances in your life that are painful to process, traumatic events that are incredibly difficult to integrate, and it makes sense that, still today, it affects you and overwhelms you. There are times when I personally feel completely overwhelmed and defeated because of my own story, traumas and family situation. And during those times it’s just so hard to find hope. It’s hard to see the beauty around and within anymore.

You are not a burden. I promise you. And all of your efforts are not in vain – the therapy, the perspective of medications, the posts you’ve posted online included here, the brave steps you’ve taken to get away from this abusive relationship, the boundaries you’ve set. These are practical ways to stand for yourself, share your voice, be heard… And oh gosh you deserve so much to be heard, to feel cared for, and to feel safe.

You will be okay, friend. And you are not alone. The way you feel right now is not meant to define your entire life nor your future. Make sure to take it one day at a time. And knowing that tomorrow will be a rough day, I want to encourage you to welcome what you’ll feel just as it is. There is no wrong way to process such heavy emotions. You being you, being human, being patient with yourself, is everything your heart needs.

We’re standing with you.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hi TiredBat

Welcome to Heartsupport and Thank you for your post, I am Lisa its nice to meet you. I would love to start with saying I am so dreadfully sorry for the loss of your Mum and the other people in your life, I cannot even begin to imagine losing my mum so my heart truly goes out to you. You are going through such a lot and I want nothing more than to help you, to give you the biggest hug and let you know how much you are loved.

The way you talk about your body pain makes me think of people in my life that also struggle with this and how hard it is, people assume if you take a pain killer then you are fine but it isnt like that and its soul destroying isnt it? You are expected to put on a happy face and venture in to the world when all you want to do is rest a tired sore body. I hope you are getting some form of assistance with whatever is causing your pain, I am aware that not everything has a cure. I would like you to know that you can reach out to us as often as you need and that you have support here on tap whenever you want it. None of this is anyones fault especially not yours. You are wonderful Lisa. x

[Soprano_Stait]

Rome wasn’t built in a day. It took many days to build the foundation. In order to get yourself in a better situation, you have to take baby steps. It’s not all going to turn around suddenly. But if you manage to get by one day, you will eventually be able to string two together, then three. Rebuilding yourself is hard, but if you take it one day at a time, it is possible. Definitely talk to your therapist about improving your situation. Therapists are a great tool to help you navigate through your darkest times. They can help you see the light when you’re in the dark.

[ThriceTheThird]

Hello TiredBat

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and social anxiety is not your fault. You are an emotional, thoughtful human being. Relationships with other people are two way streets. I feel that relationships should be approached with acceptance, and understanding in mind. You are okay being who you are, and trying to grow in the ways you have been trying to grow. People who care about you should approach these things with acceptance, and understanding. If people are judging you, and treating you poorly for who you are. That is not something you have done wrong.

Just the fact that you are trying to grow shows the strength of your person. That you are in therapy, and trying to share/learn about your experience. These are really big steps in self growth. You are trying your best, but while also adding other peoples stuff on top of yours. I think that sometimes in life we have to take a step back and focus completely on self care, and communicate to the people we care about why we have to focus on ourselves. I’m not saying to not help a friend, just maybe give yourself a little more room for you time. The better you yourself can become, the better you will be able to help those around you.

I am on disability for Mental Illness, and I know how long and frustrating the process can be. Don’t give up. It is very, very cool that you have dreams and passions that you wish to chase in life, and loved ones to do it with. I hope you have success on your ventures! - Thrice

[TiredBat]

Thank you all so much for your love and support, i cant express how much i appreciate you guys taking tome out of your day to do so. I got aa notification for the replies just moments ago and i couldnt help but cry while reading all theses replies.
Im sorry for repetitive and lack of structure in my post.

I want to get beter and be better im still struggling to take care of myself and im still locking myself in my own world its the only place i as a person feel safe, but lately in the place im at now it feels like i cant do anything that takes care of myself im not verry good with my time management but im going to try and work arou d it so i can have time for myself after taki g care of thi gs i have to. After posting last night im still so empty . But after reading all of your words i know im not alone and im so sorry so many of you are havig such struggles too yet you have made time for me and giving me such a warm welcome .