I’m so tired, Nightmares, Depression, my body hurts all the time anymore. i feel like harming myself as a way to punish myself for how someone e i once felt was family feels about me. but right now my body already in pain, i normally hate pain but when I’m like this it is just an overwhelming feeling to make myself hurt. over the last 8 years my life has been going down hill beside the small good things that have happened to me, Ive lost 4 family members back to back one being my birth mother. she died in my arms twice once when she collapsed and the other when i had to pull the plug. i lost more family but mostly due to disowning, one family member used me emotionally during my moms death, the berated me and told me he hated me not 2 days after they told me they saw me as a sibling. it hurt i no longer talk to them but it was probably for the best, I’m estranged with most of my family its mostly my fault because of my social anxiety.
I’m Different from my family the only one i have even a little bit in common with is my father, but that’s mostly show.game related, hes distant emotionally otherwise. i have friends but they are all long distant, after high school i lost contact with everyone i knew, i was also in an emotionally abusive and physically abusive relationship at that time a swell after dealing with the neglect and other bull in that relationship i finally gained the courage to leave that partner at the time. over the years i gained friends and a new love interest whom i adore dearly, but right now my friends and SO are all struggling with problems of their own, normally I’m the therapist/mom friend but i can only deal with so much before my social battery drains,sensory overload will kick in soon after then i try to isolate myself but even then i try to still be there for them.
Im trying to do what i can including get on SSI at least until my therapist deems me mentally well enough to work, i want to start an art business with my friends and SO my biggest dream is to open a bakery. but if i clam up and my anxiety spikes leaving home/talking to people i don’t know how am i supposes to do that?
but right now I’m in so much pain, i cant take it, but i cant take anymore over the counter meds to make the pain stop. ive tryed to reach out to talk on so many diffrent sites and deleted so many post. this is my 6th or 7th attempt? i think i lost track i started at around 6 pm. its midnight now all because i got yelled at,i started to have another mental brake down. dosent help that mothers day is tommarow, i dont wanna be a burden i just want relife to the mental pain