During the last 6 months, there’s been some difficult news and events that happened in my life, piling up on a list that is now way too long. I don’t even have the time to process what’s happening that the next obstacle is already here and it’s making me feel powerless.
For two weeks now, I’ve also been recalling some traumatic memories. My mind is exploding in such a chaotic way. It’s like being in the middle of an overwhelming and constant emptiness. And it scares me. I try to keep going on, one day after another. Try to learn from my mistakes and stop being in a “warrior mode” that happened to be pointless and harmful to me. I try to acknowledge the emotional, physical and sexual violence I endured in the past and ignored for too long, but also what’s difficult for me in the present. But despite my efforts, it’s like there’s always something new arising that brings me down and prevents me to find some peace.
There’s so much heaviness around me, inside of me. I’m begging for a positive change, some relief. I’ll see a therapist in a month and half, but not sure what to expect from it. And right now I only see the last glimmers of hope and sparkles of life fading away. I wish there could be something, anything, that could bring them back. I feel empty, lost, insecure, and I don’t know how to fix myself anymore.