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Lost glimmers of hope

During the last 6 months, there’s been some difficult news and events that happened in my life, piling up on a list that is now way too long. I don’t even have the time to process what’s happening that the next obstacle is already here and it’s making me feel powerless.

For two weeks now, I’ve also been recalling some traumatic memories. My mind is exploding in such a chaotic way. It’s like being in the middle of an overwhelming and constant emptiness. And it scares me. I try to keep going on, one day after another. Try to learn from my mistakes and stop being in a “warrior mode” that happened to be pointless and harmful to me. I try to acknowledge the emotional, physical and sexual violence I endured in the past and ignored for too long, but also what’s difficult for me in the present. But despite my efforts, it’s like there’s always something new arising that brings me down and prevents me to find some peace.

There’s so much heaviness around me, inside of me. I’m begging for a positive change, some relief. I’ll see a therapist in a month and half, but not sure what to expect from it. And right now I only see the last glimmers of hope and sparkles of life fading away. I wish there could be something, anything, that could bring them back. I feel empty, lost, insecure, and I don’t know how to fix myself anymore.

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In short words, you are a warrior, You have suffer so many things and you still are here and have write this, you are a strong and great warrior. Sadly I am not an expert and I dont have a lot experience in live, but my advice would be that keep fighting, things would get better. When your mind is remind you of your past mistakes, dont listen to it, the past is in the past, try to do something that you like. You are more than what your mind tell you. Take care🙌 And I hope that you get better🙌 You are amaizing never forget that

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I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like this Micro… You’re such a huge part of this community, and we all love you so so much. You do know what to do, you’ve taken the first step by being here and opening up.
You do so much for this community, but it’s time now to take a step back for yourself. It’s okay to do that.

I’m so glad you’re on track to see a therapist, processing that violence you’ve had in the past, is a huge part of helping you to feel better, and doing it in a safe way is going to be what makes the difference. You know that we are all always here for you - and we love seeing you in streams. Please know, that if ever you need some encouragement, the streams are a safe place for you to get that - not just to give it. We love you. You know what to do - it’s just about learning to do it. I’m in the same boat - I know how to handle situations, tell you exactly what I need to do in certain mindsets… it’s just that I don’t know how to do it for myself and apply it. You are SO loved, and you’re strong.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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Hey Micro,
I see you, hear you, and stand with you in this season you’re in. You are one of the kindest people I have had the privilege of getting to know through HS, and you constantly encourage me. I care for you. I’m so sorry to hear about these tough times and the things from your past that are hurting you. Its okay to feel how you do. Its okay to feel powerless sometimes. We are not meant to be able to fix everything, no matter how much we want to. That’s where others come in to help shoulder the weight and be with you in the trial. I’m proud of you for having the courage to post here and share about these vulnerable feelings and experiences. I know you mentioned seeing a therapist in a month and a half, but what about relief right now? Can you utilize HS trial with Betterhelp? Its something I have mentioned to others before and only now realized that that is something I can use too. Maybe you’re like me with that, wanting to save the help there for others instead for ourselves. Are you doing things that you enjoy? Are you getting outside at all? I know that when life and the things I enjoy seem bleak and fading away, the actual act of doing something I used to enjoy and getting some fresh air helps in those times. I truly hope things improve in your situation and less events that hurt you. You deserve the best, friend. You matter, you are loved, you are worthy of love. Hold fast.

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@Maisnow : Thank you friend for your encouragement.

I’m not a warrior. And I don’t want to be one. But life seems to be like a constant battle sometimes.
I’d like to believe that there might be other alternatives than only fighting or giving up. Just need to find them.

Also sorry I’m not sure to understand what you mean when you talk about “past mistakes” (?). But anyway, thank you again. The support you bring in this community is much appreciated. :heart:

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@Kayla: Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate you Kayla. :heart:

You’re right, processing what happened is part of feeling better. I’ll try to keep it in mind as much as possible, especially when it gets darker.

I’m always glad every time I catch up the streams, and also always glad to see you there. It’s not a physical place, but I actually feel safe during those moments. Just because there’s so many wonderful people in the same place.

Thank you also for relating. I agree 100%: even if we know how to handle a situation, it’s hard to apply it to ourselves. The transition between theory and practice is quite a struggle… But we’re learning, right? So hopefully it can only get better.

Much love to you. :heart:

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@stafflower : Thank you so much. For your kindness, for being you. I’m so glad to know you Stafflower.

Feeling powerless is probably the worst feeling to me. It brings me back to situations when I was whether a witness or a direct victim of violence, and entirely powerless at the moment. I’m just so sick and tired of violence… of any kind. Sick of those images in my mind, sensations in my body that I can’t push away. I don’t think I try to save help for others, because I don’t see it as something limited. But I do forget myself sometimes and it’s unhealthy. Still learning to stop denying it and stop being invisible to myself.

Thank you for the idea of the Betterhelp trial. Actually I also forgot about it… and it could be worth the try. I also write down the memories I have as much as I can. I’m comfortable with writing. Even though these days it’s particularly painful. It feels like sewing a deep wound without anesthesia. I don’t know if I’ll be able to say those things out loud with a therapist. Nor hearing them using my words, or some specific words. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to explain anything. I already tried therapy in the past, but it wasn’t a success. Because I tend to censor myself when I have to say intimate things out loud… and in the end I appear to be “okay”. Which is… frustrating.

I try to do some of the things I enjoy and it’s drives me everyday. Drawing, essentially. Also a bit of music. But I don’t really go outside a lot. Just for the things that has to be done, not for my own pleasure. Mainly for two reasons: I’m just super tired all the time… physically but not only. And I have kind of breakdowns/ I burst into tears for no obvious reason every day. And I have no control on this for the moment… But fresh air should help, you’re absolutely right.

I love you friend. Also I hope you’re feeling slightly better and you still pick up the pieces to move forward. :heart:

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My sweet friend. You. You are such a light. I see you every single day almost reaching out and helping so many people. Offering so many kind words, words of encouragement love and support. You are a true warrior. I see that you have battles that you are facing yet I still see you again and again reaching out and pouring out so much love.

I can relate to this post on a lot of levels. That heaviness that you carry around. I want you to know that if you need to talk, you are welcome to DM me. Seriously. You have been such a huge support to myself and so many others and I want you to know that you have a friend here that sincerely cares.

I know we are still getting to know each other and are still strangers, but if you want to talk please, please dont hesitate to reach out. You are so loved. Stay strong sweetheart. Dont let go of hope. You are such a wonderful human being.

Im here. We are here. Okay?

  • Kitty
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Thank you so much @anon17277947. You are such a diamond. I could use your own words as I always see you around giving so much support in this community.

It gets a little better these days, I just don’t know until when. It’s always the same circle with some very dark moments, so I’m kinda “waiting” for the next one. I’m grieving parts of my soul that some people stole for no reason. It feels like it has been replaced by their own darkness and there’s no way to clean it. Like a permanent mark that makes me feel disgusting. It’s an abstract description, yet it feels so real and heavy. I don’t know if this is ever gonna change. Just hope so… but sometimes hope isn’t enough because it hurts too much.

I know you can relate and somehow it breaks my heart, because you’re such a beautiful person. You only deserve the best. Nothing less.

It’s true to say that we are still strangers, yet I’m very grateful for you, to see you around on stream, Discord, or even here. I really appreciate you. Not because of what you do, but because of who you are. Thank you again, your words mean a lot to me. And I’m here for you as well. Anytime.

Love you friend. :heart:

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@Micro
Hello friend. Sorry for such a late response to this post. I hope you have been feeling better lately, and im sorry to hear you have been struggling. Traumatic memories are difficult to cope with… so I understand the feeling of hopelessness. But you are a strong person and you’ll make it through those dark thoughts! We are all here for you when you need us.
Sending well wishes your way.
-Eyeless

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The tendency to censor yourself is natural. To seem fine, to not expose your vulnerabilities, to not burden someone else with your problems. If you want to be authentic in therapy, if you really want to get the screws turning, I would suggest bringing your journal and reading from it. I believe psychological treatment is like antiseptic; if it burns, it’s working. If it doesn’t work, apply more. But then that could just be a manifestation of my emotionally masochistic tendencies :man_shrugging: You’re not paying your therapist to judge you; he/she should be there to listen and guide you as a neutral third party, and therapy should be a place where you’re not in danger of more harm, even if you do feel pain in the process.

Drawing is good and healthy. It will keep you from drowning in your depression, from succumbing to the “loss of interest in normally pleasurable activities.” The physical exhaustion can be a symptom of the depression, and I know what it’s like to not leave your room because just thinking about it hurts physically, and walking out feels like walking through water. But even if you can get to a park bench for a little while, you’ve accomplished something big for the day and have done something good for your health.

I can end with a trite “stay strong,” but know that it’s okay not to be okay, and in your worst times it’s okay to just survive. Sadness is not a terrible thing if it’s applied correctly. For me, two of the most profound examples of this are the Sadness scene in Inside Out, and the I Prevail lyrics “Let me be sad, even for a little while, just a chance to catch my breath.” If you don’t take care of yourself first, eventually you won’t be able to take care of anyone or anything. Reach out when you feel pain, the people here love you and want to help and support you as much as you’ve helped and supported them. It’s okay to need people, to lean on them, to take a rest from standing on your own before you collapse by yourself. You’re a good, kind, caring person, and you’re doing all the right things for your recovery. I enjoy reading your posts, I love you, and it will be okay. Just rest for a bit.

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