It’s been a while since my last post and I’ve been MIA ever since. Lately I find myself in a place I’m not familiar with. Ive been in the depths before, but I always knew there was a way out. But this time, I can’t see that light. I dont know anything. I dont know who Im supposed to be or where I’m meant to go, and I’ve been stuck like this since my last post. I have the same daily cycle and I cant find my way out of this darkness. I’ve completely detatched myself from the outside world. Deleted all of my social media accounts and even reduced the number of contacts in my phone down to six. I did all of this to try and gain some kind of clarity, but there’s no thread of light. I’m still numb and even though I’m comfortable with it, I need something more. But I dont know what that is. Ive tried filling the holes with everything from fun little statues that I love to learning Russian and other forms of knowledge. But it’s like everything I try to fill the void with only brings momentary happiness. I don’t know who I am or what Ive become, but it seem like everything I do to get out of this place just puts me deeper in it.
I’ve been in a similar position recently, where the next day or hour just seems dark. My biggest word of advice, is living by the minute, every single time you feel that momentary happiness, bask in it <3
If all of the actions you’re taking right now are leading a certain direction, maybe the answer is the other way? Maybe connecting with a community like Heart Support regularly will help. I say this because I’ve been there and I needed support, not solitude.
May I ask about your sleep cycle?
I’ve had something similar to this and recently went and deleted my entire persona from the internet. Obsessively deleting everything so that I was faceless again. In a way it is just to make myself feel safe. It’s a way to control the world around you.
You want a purpose but a hidden truth of being an adult is that sometimes people do not have them. We can exist and steer our boat where we want to go, sometimes we have to pass through storms but it is all a unique path.
Have you tried a goal each day? Make a simple goal like “Say one nice thing to someone today” it can be online and just means to be nice or compliment them. Actively go out of your way to do it. It may seem daft but think of MrPuckett from Imgur, he wanted to make people smile so he posted each day something to make people happy. Over time he garnered a following and now helps many people. He started one day by just sharing something to make people smile.
You recognize you are in a loop that isn’t bringing you joy. It’s a blessing to have that awareness…
But when you don’t know which direction to go to jump out of it…It feels hopeless. I’m with you there.
I like to just be here to listen, hold space and give subtle encouragement. We are all powerful beings… but especially now we can feel so small…or heavy and weak. But I do feel very guided to mention doing things in nature to fill this void. Depression makes it hard to move…and it feel better to stay inside and numb. But if you can push yourself to either find a trail to walk to be fully surrounded by nature. Or maybe you’re needing something more physical like a kayaking or climbing…
Or just simply interacting with the elements…be it Water…finding a creek and just walking barefoot, listening…Feeling the Air, breeze, breathing. Earth. So so healing. And even fire…it is so so healing to build a fire and then stare into it. And let all the low stuff burn away. And let the fire ignite your soul. You WILL find yourself. This is a wave you’re in and I know you will keep moving forward. We are all in this with you. Hope that wasn’t too cheesy. I just felt very guided to share this info specifically. Though this advice goes out to anyone reading this.
My sleep cycle is all over the board. I usually get 3-5 hours of sleep a night. And it’s at different times. One night i might sleep from 8pm-12 or 1am. Other Nights it’s from 3am-8am. Its all over the place. And then once every so often I sleep for about 13 hours.
I deleted everything because I was tired of seeing things that hurt me. Constant reminders of what could have been.
I guess purpose is a good word to use. I’ve just been stuck here for so long that I feel there has to be something greater for me. This all cant be for nothing.
I would strongly suggest talking to either a psychiatrist or GP about something to help you regulate your sleep. For example there is an antihistamine that will make you very drowsy, it is prescription only and works effectively. It is something you do not have you use every night but will help you get to sleep and stay asleep for between 6-8 hours.
Try and keep a short journal of your sleep and then your mood pattern. I would hazard a guess that you will see your depression is linked strongly too it, your lack of direction too. I cannot stress enough how important sleep is for your psychological health.
If you do not wish to move to a medical route then there are meditation and yoga that can calm your mind before sleep. Cutting down on blue light before sleep is helpful too. If possible can you try sleeping with some sort of sound playing. Personally I combine waves and storm sounds. It is only played just before and during sleep. It is so ingrained now that I will instantly relax as soon as I hear it.
I feel like your making too much expectations for yourself my friend
Don’t think you have to save the world, or anything like that
Removing yourself from others won’t make anything better by detaching yourself from the world
You’re part of this world whether you like it or not.
If you associated with people you didn’t like
most likely they were a bunch of idiots but you have to me mindful, because it all starts with you
how you behave will enable others insolent behaviour
Everything starts with you
Don’t leave this world, but make the world you want for yourself
I really dont have high expectations out of life. I understand that we play with the cards we are dealt. I just cant live in a constant cycle. I dont want to save the world or do extravagant things. I just want something more than what I’m stuck in.
Honestly, detaching myself from the world is the best thing I have done for myself. Over the past month, since doing so, I have found myself a lot less bitter and cold hearted. Not to say that Im no longer bitter or cold. But I’m not actively seeking opportunity to be such a way.
Ive talked to my doctor about my sleep patterns and depression. I quit taking the medication becaise I didnt like the way it made me feel. And the Ambien only wored me up even more.
I have blue light filters active on my tv and phone and I listen to Vivaldi all night long until I fall asleep. Ive tried the nature route of sounds, but storms and birds just make it seem like its daytime and I need to be awake.
As for yoga and meditation, I dont do any before bed, but I do Tai Chi for about 15 minutes after I wake up every morning.