Tw child/sexual abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, mentions of rape
Almost 2 weeks ago I released in self harm. I’ve felt terrible ever since (and before, obviously) and its been hard. But on top of that with my stress, I’ve been trying not to get(?) an eating disorder. I’ve been struggling with my body and loving myself- I always have- but recently its been worse. My mom recently told me that she has a binge eating disorder (and im not surprised). I know you’re more likely to get one if your parent does… she talks about weight and eating healthy and it really stresses me out. I suggest she talks to her therapist about it but she is talking to her therapist “about other things.” Its unfair to me to hear this. I dont know if I should or even could say anything to her to make her stop.
And then… so for my ptsd, it was a violent threat from my father. In my nightmares, he also tries to rape me. Its obviously very scary and makes me super uncomfortable. Recently, I’ve been having different nightmares instead of my usual reoccurring one. I have flashbacks of questionable memories of my dad, and im really afraid that he made me do things like touch him. And I hate myself for it. Why do I have these thoughts? What if I have no suppressed memories and I’m freaking myself out over nothing? Could my emdr be bringing up these memories? I looked up adult symptoms of repressed child abuse, and I have a lot of them.
I just feel so disgusted with myself and I keep feeling suicidal. Its… not pleasant.
And I know. Reach out to a professional. I see my therapist… today, technically and will tell her somehow. I will probably end up sobbing and having a breakdown, and then I have to go to work afterwards 
I really hate my life. Its so stressful.