Last night was bad. I have been fighting to stay in the light and out of the darkness. But datkness just swollowed me whole. All of ugliness that i try to keep locked away just burst through the doors in my mind. All of the visions and thoughts and voices flooded my head. I could not rest. All I could think of was slicing myself open, at least if I saw blood I would know I was not hollow inside. How do I feel both so numb and so much pain all at once. I managed to make it through the day today at work. i was just a shadow, barely noticed, barley heard. I guess that was best since I was not sure I could keep it all together. I did not want to seem weak, incapable, useless or a charity case. I am not sure where to lean where to turn, not sure any one is strong enough to hold me or able to reach me. Everyone around has their own problems, they do not need to deal with mine. I do not want to keep fighting these battles I have been fighting so long. Give me something to hold on too.
In this situation I think it is best to reach out for professional help. We are all here to listen to you and talk to you, but sometimes it’s simply not enough. Have you tried talking to anyone in your life about it? Sometimes we get wrapped up in life and forget about others feelings, but that doesnt mean people don’t care!
Thanks crystal I have talked to someone I have a therapist. I have PTSD, GAD and have had severe and moderatly severe depressive episodes. My therapist gives me worksheets, nods her head, takes in what I say and promise next week… but she does not really seem to get me. She gave me a safety plan. I have a kids, a husband, who also suffers from depression. I still feel alone, i do not know how to deal, how to cope. There is suppose to be support here, people helping people, sharing, coping, together. Someone to hopefully understand what this all feels like, sharing how they face every day. That is why I posted.
@Crush thank you for sharing and reaching out. I’m a self harmer and when things get bad all I can picture is that blade cutting my skin - you’re not alone with those thoughts. We all have problems to deal with, but that’s why the community is so amazing. We use our experiences to help one another, and fight the battles together. Having to take a step down and reach out for help doesn’t make you weak or incapable. It’s so freaking hard to admit that you’re struggling - you’re strong and brave for being able to come to the support wall and share this with us. Do you have a family? partner? Hold on to the love you have for them, and the love they have for you. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that I have people in this community who love me and fight with everything they have to help me keep my head above water. We are all here to do the same for you. You’re not alone.
Hold Fast
Kayla
Hi Kayla - thanks. I do have a husband and children and they are why I am still here. When I am dark, I do not reach out - I am trying to do it, at my husband’s urging to do so. He has his own issues he struggles with. He is here on heart Support and suggested it to me. A few weeks back I got really dark, came close to actually ending it, closer than I have in a long time. I have attempted suicide before. He got me help, but I am still struggling like everyone here. Thanks for reaching out - I appreciate your thoughts and your kindness.
crush, i am so sorry your feeling this way. you are loved no matter what . and by the way i know you said " they do not need to deal with mine problems," but, we are here to love you and care for you and to listen to you. if you need anything i will be one call away and ill always will be light to guide you out of the darkness.
crush, we’re here if you need to reach out, glad you and your husband found heartsupport. reach out whenever you need, the darkness is harder to deal with alone.
sometimes the darkness hits me too. when it does, i hold on to the light the best i can. even when it seems like i’m slipping or drowning. and when i slip, i get back to it as i can. i’ve never regreted, and it gets a little bit easier each time. i have no idea how to stop the darkness from coming, but i can figure how to handle it better.
cling on to your lights. we’re here for you and care about you.
I am not very articulate at the moment but I wanted you to know you are heard and valuable, and we are here for you.