Lost, scared, hopeless

I’ve been struggling for a long time now. Whether it be the death of 2 close family members in a months span or the pain I deal with every day in my body and mind, I can’t seem to escape it. It effects everyone around me, my wife, my daughter, and my mom. I feel like I’m spiraling, whether it be my physical health or mental health. I came so close to suicide this week even though on a normal day I want to do nothing but live. I feel so disconnected but at the same time I’m right in the thick of things with no control. I’m scared out of my mind about death, but I crave it at times. I don’t feel normal and I don’t think people see me as normal. I don’t think people understand me or my struggles. I feel like no matter what I do for anyone, it’s either critiqued or not good enough. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I never do and all that ends up popping into my head is why am I even here if I just cause problems? I think to myself about changing my life and getting my mind right but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have no motivation, no drive, and no will. It makes me unable to get out of bed in the morning. I’m just so far gone it feels and I just keep spiraling farther and farther away. I just want to feel normal again.

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@MrGruskin29 I know it may sound difficult to believe this but you are far stronger than you can possibly ever imagine for one simple fact you have survived up to this point let’s say for conversation’s sake you have gone through extreme levels of abuse like myself I only recently realized that I had been a Survivor

@MrGruskin29 stay strong simply by trying to do your best you are a warrior

Ya I feel about the same way. It’s a tough situation. It’s hard to know what’s right and wrong sometimes. Theres no manuel to these situations or feelings.