Lots of things, but I'm feeling okay I think. Triggers are warned :)

So my last post was chaoticy i feel? I dunno. I’m just going to say my progress.

[mentions of child sexual abuse tw] My emdr released some unpleasant memories I’ve been struggling with. I talked to my sister who said my dad was always grabby and handsy, and someone who I had talked to said that that may be my answer to things. I had a meltdown and vaguely told my mom things, and she said he wouldn’t have been able to (again, like she said after she didn’t understand he caused me ptsd??) because he wasn’t really alone with us but like… no? It really invalidated and hurt me. But I suppose she just doesn’t understand.
Anyways, I was having trouble keeping those things in the brain container, and the other night I got it in so I have been feeling so much better. The answer: give the final key to a friendly interdimensional dragon. I have always liked dragons, so it just… worked. I can’t tell you their color or why they are helping me but you know what I just don’t overthink it.

[SELF/HEAD INJURY TW] I mentioned my meltdown, yeah? I flipped out as I do, but I ended up hitting my head on the wood post/frame of my bed multiple times. It’s very stereotypical of autism, and it was a compulsive thought. My mom wasn’t home to be able to stop me and I just… kept hitting my head. I ended up with a knot on my head. A week went by and my headaches hadn’t gone away. So I went to see my GP and I have “post concussion syndrome” which is like… I don’t have an actual concussion (which are called traumatic brain injuries nowadays btw) but my brain is not healed and is bruised. So I’ve been nauseous, having lots of headaches (dur), and can’t focus and concentrate even more so than usual. So she gave me medications for it.
Then my brother never picked me up from the hospital (where my doctor’s appointment was). And he was a douchebag the entire time when I was texting him and trying to get him to come. I nearly had a panic attack, but called my lovely sister. I tried my mom, but she was talking to my other sister :joy: My aunt was also like “you can always call me sweetie” and I appreicate her for it. I know I was bothering my sister since she was trying to finish work, but she let me ramble. It helped me not had a panic attack. I ended up ubering home and was (thank GOD) not late for class. Barely.

My mother told me she got the job in Colorado. She has been applying for internships all over. She sounds excited because it’s with the VA like she wanted, and it seems like a nice place. But Colorado was one of the ones I was least excited for because it’s just… far and random? Like, Wisconsin is closeish to Chicago (yes, for concerts) and even Toronto! Not really, but let me dream. I would be able to go to Yellowstone probably, which is a dream of mine. But… it’s so random. I don’t know what to tell her. And I’m not ready to live on my own either.

Anyways, also on my brother before my mom left she was going to tell him he as 2 weeks to move out. He keeps walking all over her and being mean in general. She asked him if he could take me to get vaccinated this week so I could schedule an appointment, and told her he wouldn’t get the vaccine. My mom asked why and yes, was rather pushy about learning why, but he refused to tell her and just said because he didn’t want it. Which is a terrible reason.

Finally, I’m still conflicted about gender. I don’t know enough and I’m to anxious to learn much more about gender because it’s hard and confusing. Sometimes I think I may be agender, but I am not sure. I can be super feminine and wear dresses and miniskirts but then also just jeans and t-shirts. I used to play dolls and with “boy” toys, because I’d play transformers and other “boy” toy stuff with him. I really like Star Wars and TTRPGs, which are male-dominated, but I love kpop, which is female dominated (but less gender involved thank GOD). It’s… weird. So I’ve been putting online and being like, she/they are my pronouns. So. Yeah.


@ sakurasangel
seems like a lots been happening. I’m sorry to hear about your head, and hope you don’t do that again. Meltdowns aren’t easy to control, but I’d like to think you stay safe. Seems like you’re doing well with your relationships, though stressful at times, and your attitude is positive. Your ‘conflicts’ about gender may work themselves out in time. Identifying who we really are can be a process that I’m not sure can be given a timetable. What’s important is that you take care of yourself, and continue to reflect on being the person you want to be. Peace


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