Love is... Tw: talks of abuse and anger towards men

So, I wrote this a few days ago. I’ve been iffy about posting this, because at some point I got a bit pissed off about people, specifically men. I know that not all men are bad, I know that it’s not only men who hurt others, but with trauma and stuff its always been men who have harmed me so it just brings up this anger I try to bury deep down which deeply enrages me when I remember the trauma. So ig, just a warning to that. I don’t hate anybody, I’m just, disappointed at this point.

I didn’t edit any more to stay true to the post so here ya go:

I know it’s stupid and I know it’s for my own safety but, I wish I didn’t push away the people I wanted to get close to. I know every time I’ve gotten close to someone they ended up insane and creepy, so I had to push them away for my own sake, and I wish I didn’t have to do that. I wish the people I fell hard for or wanted to befriend weren’t dangerous so I didn’t need to push them away and block them out. I wish I didn’t have to NT mask myself to others for my own safety, bc when I act myself I guess my spectrum stuff or maybe my flamboyancy and being trans attracts odd people. But, the reality is people are dangerous, and I, for some weird reason, attract alot of dangerous people. Idk if it’s my empathy, I look tiny, I’m trans, or because I’m on the spectrum, but criminally insane unstable freaks have always been the type of shit that follows me. I’ve always got to avoid people and I always have to keep myself from catching feelings for someone that’s most likely on the edge. It sucks the most with catching feelings, I think it delves way back to when my friend groomed me. Though I really don’t know, but I try to avoid talking about romantic feelings n shit, being a demisexual gay sucks in the way that you get stuck with feelings for, shit, years. So the best option is to avoid talking about feelings at all because it’s not worth it getting hungup on people that aren’t healthy. Love has always hurt me the most, doesn’t matter what type, it’s always the most dangerous for me because they always hurt me in some insanely fucked up way and I end up stuck with the feelings for years bc no it doesn’t just go away that easy. Liking people is just fucking risky. Gotta pretend I feel nothing when I feel so many emotions, it sucks and it fucking hurts bc I really do want to do or say anything, but it’s better being a block of quiet ice than going into a deep depression from deeply caring for someone who is severely unstable and then I still have those feelings for years or until I finally regain control or randomly forget. And, as that cycle has gotten healthily shorter over the years, it’s only because of my pure determination to block all incoming emotions and thoughts with that stuff until I feel numb to it. I blame chemicals, because I know in my right mind if I had a choice I would choose someone healthy, but when you’re demisexual and have weird chemical shit that bores from either trauma or genetics, you don’t get a choice. Like I know what love is but it’s always given to those who don’t deserve it. People that need help or prison not a relationship. And idk why it’s always those types, I really don’t get it. Maybe I got it from my mom, but I refuse to be like her, and being a heart of ice seems to be the only cure. At least I’m not ignorant like her.

A thing to add: Having headmates around has helped alot because it’s kept the general need for platonic socialization settled so I don’t desire irl social connections as much, because we get all our socializing done with eachother, and they’re great healthy people who have been so supportive to me and eachother. I just wish I could give them as much as they give me with my mental issues and all, and I’m terrified when they leave sometimes. (Though Kio just usually says: “Xaii you don’t need to give anything, It’s not about give and take or how much one can give back, it’s about taking care of eachother and enjoying our time together. You’re our friend and family not a burden to carry. When your mental health is low it’s just normal to struggle with fronting you didn’t do anything wrong and you’re not a burden. We all just have to fight and push to get through it together. We’ll always be a team. We can do this.” Even so it doesn’t keep me from wanting to give back more cuz they do so much for me :pleading_face: I getz it doe.) I just, feel guilty, idk why, I think it has to do with past trauma. That’s another thing that bothers me. I feel like I’ll never have a normal friendship because I’ll always get dissociative and derealized and detach and push myself away now when it’s healthy and people are nice to me and genuinely like me because I feel like it’s not real and it’s impossible that it’s real, it doesn’t make sense and get confused scared, anxious and paranoid and then feel like I can’t do enough for them and I’m a burden and feel guilty. Even so, my headmates say that it’s distrust and with time it will heal, and they will prove that there’s good by staying by my side.

Sometimes I wonder, what if I didn’t have social anxiety or wasn’t in bad enviroments, what would it be like to be with someone. The last person I liked threatened my life multiple times and screamed at me, so yet again, idk why my heart picks the shittiest ones and the feelings can’t go away, but, I wonder, if those people’s lives were healthier. If they had a better life, would things be different? Could they be happier? Would it even be possible to be with someone? If I just talked, would I even have a chance, to at least be a friend? What would I have missed, nothing? Everything? Is it possible that I just haven’t found a genuinely good person and all the potentially gays are freaks or ftm fetishizers? Is it because I’m trans??? Is the trans community just hounded by creeps or something? Is that what it’s been? But even when I was younger it was still an issue, almost got raped by a pedo in freshman of HS so like idk. Plus it’s hard to accept the idea of someone liking me anyways because that just seems, impossible? I feel like no one would ever actually like me, it’s hard to understand that concept, so, I don’t try. I mean, risking my life just to date or make friends still isn’t worth it to me anyways so like ¯_( ͠° ͟ °͠ )_/¯

I mean if anyone understands this can they explain what it is? Why? Why it’s a thing? Why I keep liking those that seem kind but by now I know that is far from who they are with a simple glance, and yet even when faced with ones sick twisted mind I still care so much? It’s like I never learned boundaries but I have after the trauma with the “friend” and yet my only cure is to just not show I like someone and be a heart of ice. Is it maybe because someone stable would not be interested in me? Is it because I’m not interested in stability?? Is it because I’m unstable??? Is it just because trauma??? I really don’t know, but I remember when I felt better last year before it all went to hell again. That’s why I hate people, they always ruin it. Once I’m better they break me down again by calling me a hypocrite and telling me I’m a terrible person when they’re far worse off than me. I hate it. I’m tired of it. Humans are dangerous and disgusting because they don’t even bother to see what they’re doing to others and when they realize it they don’t try to learn from their mistakes and change. They lack self awareness and just cause pain for no reason, and blame it on the people who actually care. They hurt others who they know are innocent and just different because they’re angry about their own life, but there’s no justification for that. They could have better outlets but their outlet is to bully, manipulate, and ruin people for no damn fucking reason except the fact they don’t want to suffer alone. And that’s fucking digusting. I’m fucking tired of that shit over here. Manipulative dickish people who have no fucking soul, making you start to lose your shit and try to trick you into thinking the only way to survive is to be like them or simply drive you enough insane that you start becoming them.

I get I shouldn’t hate specific people, and I get that everyone is going through their own hell, but it’s still no reason to make someone else go through that hell with them. And that is what I cannot understand. I don’t get what makes someone think it’s okay to hurt others for no reason. I mean at least I’m taking the introspection to understand this shit because I reminds me I’m not the insane one aside from when trauma relapses me. I mean maybe they don’t realize it? Is it a mental gymnastics thing? Because every time I think about it deeper I feel like you can’t blame someone who’s been bent to their last straw. Hurting others is wrong but if they don’t even realize it… Is this where the years of gaslighting come in? Idk if this is empathy overthinking, genuine understanding, or just the acquired thinking from my idiot old “friend” telling me it’s my fault for everything that happened to me, making me find a reason to beleive it’s my own fault for what others hurt me for. The years of them blaming me for the shit they did to me. Idk. Idk idkidkidkidkidkidkidkidkidkidk at this point the line of reality is a blur for me atm. Idk if I see things as black and white or I don’t give myself enough boundaries. Because no one deserves to suffer, but no one should bring others suffering. But we all do it in a way, we all lose out grip at some point and don’t realize the people we’ve hurt. We all impact unknowingly our aura into others, which spreads whatever we are feeling and can either make or break someone’s reality and emotions and control, so then, then. then… Is that the gaslighting talking, is this the lack of boundaries speaking? Is this too much introspective empathy or idk. Is this right? Someone please tell me. I always feel like I try my best for people and every mistake I make they blow it up so I can’t tell if I’ve fucked up or they just want me to see only the negative about me. It’s what my friend did to me for years. No matter how much I tried to take care of him and make him feel better, give him some sort of emotion since we were kids he told me how negative I was even after Mori left. He only saw the depression and fed it saying I was a peice of shit no matter what I did, and that I was a horribly negative person no matter how bright I tried to look to things. He always said that, they always said that, Mori said that. I hope that everything he put me through was at least enough to wake him up, regret, and try to change, but seeing as he went to work with what he fetishized… I highly doubt it. Shit, abusers never grow up. But it reminds me of the times I’d both love him dearly, and want to kill him at the same time at the very end of the abuse cycle. I cannot even begin to understand this feeling, but it is how he made me feel at the very end of it all. Like an all or nothing feeling. I either gave up all my self worth and self love and beleive him and care for him like a slave even if he didn’t care for me or himself, all because I deeply loved him as a friend, or I lose it, I let reality hit, let myself hate him for everything he did, let myself remember what he did to me and others, realize what is right for me and others and kill him. It was a hard cycle to get out of, but him leaving my life was the best thing I could ask for. It was, very scary at first, bc I didn’t know who I was anymore, but nowadays I rarely think about him. If I faced him today, I wouldn’t react. I wouldn’t let him know how I feel, though my skin would crawl for an itch to draw blood the moment he was alone and thought I was still caring towards him. Honestly, I hope that man is tortured in prison. Knowing the psychopath he is tho, without a bad social record and an eye to watch him, he’s free to harm any creature or person on this planet, with everyone thinking he’s a saint.

I hate men. Disgusting peices of shit. I mean it’s always the ones that have hurt me. Though don’t mind me, I’m just angry talking at this point. The shit that’s been going on in this state latley has been… Death provoking. Men making laws to take away the rights of wemon, trans kids and their parents, gay people, and different races. Men fucking ruin everything. Old boomers really but, the smile you see on their face when they write the contract to abolish abortion when they have no place to speak about a woman’s body and know nothing about FUCKING TAKING CARE OF CHILDREN… God I wish they were all dead sometimes Sorry. I guess this is where I start to not blame people for how they feel. Maybe it’s because I understand the feeling mutually, except instead of hating innocent people, I hate people who actually deserve death. Sexist a bit rn but I know it’s not everyone who my hate targets are pointed at, at the very least. Though, it’d be better to shoot myself and leave this joker shithole than keep around and think I can survive. Trauma does this to you I guess. This is why my therapist says I can’t do trauma exposure therapy. The memories make me relapse quick. At least Mori is not here to act upon this anger. This is why I can’t think back to the trauma even a little bit.

I hate this fucking world.



From: twixremix

hiya friend!

it feels like a bit since you and i last connected on one of your posts - although you’re sharing a real hard time in your life, it’s still nice to hear how you’ve been doing. so thank you for being here on this forum and allowing all of us in to support you.

i absolutely understand the thoughts feelings you’ve shared here. i’m sad at the fact that you have to NT mask to shield yourself from people that could hurt you but i get it… there are unfortunately people in this world that aren’t as kind, understanding, and loving towards people like you and even me with my own mental/physical illnesses. it’s hard and frustrating to have to put on a show to co-workers, family members, and people on the street who might not understand what makes you so cool. but as you shared in this post, dangerous people do exist and the only one that can save you from the unkind is you. however, if you’re on the other side of my screen reading these words, the only thing i want you to at least walk away with is knowing that there is still good in this world. there have been unkind people to you and there will always be evil around us. like your headmates are doing already, the good people will stay by your side and support you. your heartsupport community is here in these replies lifting you up. in all of the bad news shared on tv, there is always a story of the good in humanity there to balance it out. so don’t lose hope in your own journey even when you lose hope in the world. you’ve got so much love to give, so much knowledge, compassion, and wisdom to spread. so stick around so people like us can make the people that have given us hell - whether in our personal lives or in the government - a run for their money as we improve this “joker shithole” like you call it. i believe in you, my friend, and hope to hear from you soon.




Hi Systemofconfusion Thank you for using the wall to express your feelings and emotions. You had a lot to say and I hope it helped you on some level to get it out. I know for me, journaling really helps and also posting here. So, thank you for trusting this community. You are loved here and valued! ~Mystrose


Hi there System,

I want to thank you for coming back to the HeartSupport Wall & looking for support. I am so sorry that you are going through so many different things right now. Life can be unfair, difficult & frustrating, but I truly believe that it can be beautiful & wonderful. We can fight for the good that we want to see in this world. Find a community that gives you the opportunity for justice in this world.

You are valid. You are important. You matter. :yellow_heart:


From: Taladien

Hey Systemofconfusion,

That you for sharing your story and struggles, and not keeping them bottled up. For trusting us enough to share. And Thought I may not know your story or what you are going through, I am glad you are here to talk with us. And we hear you. You are loved, and you matter so, so much. What ever we can do to help support you through your hardships, please let us know. We’d love to share the smiles along the way, as well as lend a hand when ever you need it.


Hello there friend,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through all this and because you’ve gone through so much in your life. That said, I’m so proud of you for reaching out here and seeking support here. I assure you that for all the bad in the world, there is some good that’s possible and I hope that you are able to see more of that as your life goes on.

Please know that you are valued and deserve support. I’m proud of you for getting through all this and hope things start to feel better for you in the future.


Thank you everyone for the replies. As it’s not often I talk about these concepts I appreciate you guys giving me support. Though I am not feeling very good rn.

I want to beleive very much in the fact that not all people are horrible. I don’t want to hate the world but, I have pretty shitty luck. We went on a long trip to the store today for Niko, he wanted to buy something, and everything was okay but he couldn’t find what he was looking for and he picked something else out. Things were fine until we went to leave and immediately recognized someone and low and behold, it’s the fucking dickhead groomer I was talking about from years ago. Since trauma triggers likes to make me front Niko immediately left and I fronted, my brain went dead, and I hid to the very back of the place. Is there a way to just, stop being afraid of the people who abused you? I mean seeing them out in the brink of daylight freaked me the fuck out, idek if it was them at that point but, when you know someone for years you kind of recognize them anywhere. I immediatly started having these day-nightmare zone outs again ig u call them flashbacks and my headmates tried to snap me out of it and remind me it’s okay. I was still very scared tho. I started dissociating/derealizing alot, voices came a bit blurred and I was really scared. After all these years tho I still refuse to tell my mom why I get like this and what happened. But I get disconnected from everyone even my headmates. Kovu tried to front to snap me out of it, and it’s a work in progress as any thought of the trauma pops up I immediatly do so he has to keep a tight grip. Thankfully when I got home I forgot about it but coming back on here has reminded me of it. I always block it out of my head and try to replace the memory and force myself to forget, because idk what else to do. I mean what else do I do? If I focus on the trauma I lose touch of reality and lose my mind, if I ignore it I’ll never heal and every time I’m faced with it I’ll go into a daze so, idk what to do. I mean how do you, not, freeze up when you recognize the face of someone who manipulated, forced, and killed the self you had and took away parts of you that you can’t get back and was proud of it like it’s stupidly something to consider an accomplishment? How do you keep yourself from either relapsing into self harm or thinking about what ways you’d kill them? How do you forget? How do you move on? When they did so much damage. How do you not want to kill them, torture them, remove their limbs one by one in a blind bloody mess laughing at them like it’s a bloody joke like they treated you how how howhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhow do I forget? I just want to forget. I don’t want these memories, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to remember please… please just get rid of these memories… I don’t want to think anymore. Sometimes the day-nightmares get so bad it’s like I’m hallucinating. The only thing that helps me is distractions, but in disctractions I forget myself, and my headmates. So I hate discractions. I feel the eyes again, but it’s always there, not something to be suprised by at this point, it doesn’t change anything, time always moves and it won’t stop watching so it’s not like anything I say changes anything. I am still scared though. But does it matter? Idk. I want to forget them so I don’t have to think about killing them. I’m sorry I don’t feel good. I just wish I could be happy.

hey Xaii! It’s me, robyn, you might not remember me (and I have a different account bc my other one didn’t work ^^") but this is… ah really honestly painfully relatable… like mine might not be as bad as yours, but I still get it… ik what it’s like to relapse into self harm, ik what it’s like to constantly second guess yourself, ik how you feel… and I might not know how to help but I’m here, and I get what it feels like~



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