So, I wrote this a few days ago. I’ve been iffy about posting this, because at some point I got a bit pissed off about people, specifically men. I know that not all men are bad, I know that it’s not only men who hurt others, but with trauma and stuff its always been men who have harmed me so it just brings up this anger I try to bury deep down which deeply enrages me when I remember the trauma. So ig, just a warning to that. I don’t hate anybody, I’m just, disappointed at this point.
I didn’t edit any more to stay true to the post so here ya go:
I know it’s stupid and I know it’s for my own safety but, I wish I didn’t push away the people I wanted to get close to. I know every time I’ve gotten close to someone they ended up insane and creepy, so I had to push them away for my own sake, and I wish I didn’t have to do that. I wish the people I fell hard for or wanted to befriend weren’t dangerous so I didn’t need to push them away and block them out. I wish I didn’t have to NT mask myself to others for my own safety, bc when I act myself I guess my spectrum stuff or maybe my flamboyancy and being trans attracts odd people. But, the reality is people are dangerous, and I, for some weird reason, attract alot of dangerous people. Idk if it’s my empathy, I look tiny, I’m trans, or because I’m on the spectrum, but criminally insane unstable freaks have always been the type of shit that follows me. I’ve always got to avoid people and I always have to keep myself from catching feelings for someone that’s most likely on the edge. It sucks the most with catching feelings, I think it delves way back to when my friend groomed me. Though I really don’t know, but I try to avoid talking about romantic feelings n shit, being a demisexual gay sucks in the way that you get stuck with feelings for, shit, years. So the best option is to avoid talking about feelings at all because it’s not worth it getting hungup on people that aren’t healthy. Love has always hurt me the most, doesn’t matter what type, it’s always the most dangerous for me because they always hurt me in some insanely fucked up way and I end up stuck with the feelings for years bc no it doesn’t just go away that easy. Liking people is just fucking risky. Gotta pretend I feel nothing when I feel so many emotions, it sucks and it fucking hurts bc I really do want to do or say anything, but it’s better being a block of quiet ice than going into a deep depression from deeply caring for someone who is severely unstable and then I still have those feelings for years or until I finally regain control or randomly forget. And, as that cycle has gotten healthily shorter over the years, it’s only because of my pure determination to block all incoming emotions and thoughts with that stuff until I feel numb to it. I blame chemicals, because I know in my right mind if I had a choice I would choose someone healthy, but when you’re demisexual and have weird chemical shit that bores from either trauma or genetics, you don’t get a choice. Like I know what love is but it’s always given to those who don’t deserve it. People that need help or prison not a relationship. And idk why it’s always those types, I really don’t get it. Maybe I got it from my mom, but I refuse to be like her, and being a heart of ice seems to be the only cure. At least I’m not ignorant like her.
A thing to add: Having headmates around has helped alot because it’s kept the general need for platonic socialization settled so I don’t desire irl social connections as much, because we get all our socializing done with eachother, and they’re great healthy people who have been so supportive to me and eachother. I just wish I could give them as much as they give me with my mental issues and all, and I’m terrified when they leave sometimes. (Though Kio just usually says: “Xaii you don’t need to give anything, It’s not about give and take or how much one can give back, it’s about taking care of eachother and enjoying our time together. You’re our friend and family not a burden to carry. When your mental health is low it’s just normal to struggle with fronting you didn’t do anything wrong and you’re not a burden. We all just have to fight and push to get through it together. We’ll always be a team. We can do this.” Even so it doesn’t keep me from wanting to give back more cuz they do so much for me I getz it doe.) I just, feel guilty, idk why, I think it has to do with past trauma. That’s another thing that bothers me. I feel like I’ll never have a normal friendship because I’ll always get dissociative and derealized and detach and push myself away now when it’s healthy and people are nice to me and genuinely like me because I feel like it’s not real and it’s impossible that it’s real, it doesn’t make sense and get confused scared, anxious and paranoid and then feel like I can’t do enough for them and I’m a burden and feel guilty. Even so, my headmates say that it’s distrust and with time it will heal, and they will prove that there’s good by staying by my side.
Sometimes I wonder, what if I didn’t have social anxiety or wasn’t in bad enviroments, what would it be like to be with someone. The last person I liked threatened my life multiple times and screamed at me, so yet again, idk why my heart picks the shittiest ones and the feelings can’t go away, but, I wonder, if those people’s lives were healthier. If they had a better life, would things be different? Could they be happier? Would it even be possible to be with someone? If I just talked, would I even have a chance, to at least be a friend? What would I have missed, nothing? Everything? Is it possible that I just haven’t found a genuinely good person and all the potentially gays are freaks or ftm fetishizers? Is it because I’m trans??? Is the trans community just hounded by creeps or something? Is that what it’s been? But even when I was younger it was still an issue, almost got raped by a pedo in freshman of HS so like idk. Plus it’s hard to accept the idea of someone liking me anyways because that just seems, impossible? I feel like no one would ever actually like me, it’s hard to understand that concept, so, I don’t try. I mean, risking my life just to date or make friends still isn’t worth it to me anyways so like ¯_( ͠° ͟ °͠ )_/¯
I mean if anyone understands this can they explain what it is? Why? Why it’s a thing? Why I keep liking those that seem kind but by now I know that is far from who they are with a simple glance, and yet even when faced with ones sick twisted mind I still care so much? It’s like I never learned boundaries but I have after the trauma with the “friend” and yet my only cure is to just not show I like someone and be a heart of ice. Is it maybe because someone stable would not be interested in me? Is it because I’m not interested in stability?? Is it because I’m unstable??? Is it just because trauma??? I really don’t know, but I remember when I felt better last year before it all went to hell again. That’s why I hate people, they always ruin it. Once I’m better they break me down again by calling me a hypocrite and telling me I’m a terrible person when they’re far worse off than me. I hate it. I’m tired of it. Humans are dangerous and disgusting because they don’t even bother to see what they’re doing to others and when they realize it they don’t try to learn from their mistakes and change. They lack self awareness and just cause pain for no reason, and blame it on the people who actually care. They hurt others who they know are innocent and just different because they’re angry about their own life, but there’s no justification for that. They could have better outlets but their outlet is to bully, manipulate, and ruin people for no damn fucking reason except the fact they don’t want to suffer alone. And that’s fucking digusting. I’m fucking tired of that shit over here. Manipulative dickish people who have no fucking soul, making you start to lose your shit and try to trick you into thinking the only way to survive is to be like them or simply drive you enough insane that you start becoming them.
I get I shouldn’t hate specific people, and I get that everyone is going through their own hell, but it’s still no reason to make someone else go through that hell with them. And that is what I cannot understand. I don’t get what makes someone think it’s okay to hurt others for no reason. I mean at least I’m taking the introspection to understand this shit because I reminds me I’m not the insane one aside from when trauma relapses me. I mean maybe they don’t realize it? Is it a mental gymnastics thing? Because every time I think about it deeper I feel like you can’t blame someone who’s been bent to their last straw. Hurting others is wrong but if they don’t even realize it… Is this where the years of gaslighting come in? Idk if this is empathy overthinking, genuine understanding, or just the acquired thinking from my idiot old “friend” telling me it’s my fault for everything that happened to me, making me find a reason to beleive it’s my own fault for what others hurt me for. The years of them blaming me for the shit they did to me. Idk. Idk idkidkidkidkidkidkidkidkidkidk at this point the line of reality is a blur for me atm. Idk if I see things as black and white or I don’t give myself enough boundaries. Because no one deserves to suffer, but no one should bring others suffering. But we all do it in a way, we all lose out grip at some point and don’t realize the people we’ve hurt. We all impact unknowingly our aura into others, which spreads whatever we are feeling and can either make or break someone’s reality and emotions and control, so then, then. then… Is that the gaslighting talking, is this the lack of boundaries speaking? Is this too much introspective empathy or idk. Is this right? Someone please tell me. I always feel like I try my best for people and every mistake I make they blow it up so I can’t tell if I’ve fucked up or they just want me to see only the negative about me. It’s what my friend did to me for years. No matter how much I tried to take care of him and make him feel better, give him some sort of emotion since we were kids he told me how negative I was even after Mori left. He only saw the depression and fed it saying I was a peice of shit no matter what I did, and that I was a horribly negative person no matter how bright I tried to look to things. He always said that, they always said that, Mori said that. I hope that everything he put me through was at least enough to wake him up, regret, and try to change, but seeing as he went to work with what he fetishized… I highly doubt it. Shit, abusers never grow up. But it reminds me of the times I’d both love him dearly, and want to kill him at the same time at the very end of the abuse cycle. I cannot even begin to understand this feeling, but it is how he made me feel at the very end of it all. Like an all or nothing feeling. I either gave up all my self worth and self love and beleive him and care for him like a slave even if he didn’t care for me or himself, all because I deeply loved him as a friend, or I lose it, I let reality hit, let myself hate him for everything he did, let myself remember what he did to me and others, realize what is right for me and others and kill him. It was a hard cycle to get out of, but him leaving my life was the best thing I could ask for. It was, very scary at first, bc I didn’t know who I was anymore, but nowadays I rarely think about him. If I faced him today, I wouldn’t react. I wouldn’t let him know how I feel, though my skin would crawl for an itch to draw blood the moment he was alone and thought I was still caring towards him. Honestly, I hope that man is tortured in prison. Knowing the psychopath he is tho, without a bad social record and an eye to watch him, he’s free to harm any creature or person on this planet, with everyone thinking he’s a saint.
I hate men. Disgusting peices of shit. I mean it’s always the ones that have hurt me. Though don’t mind me, I’m just angry talking at this point. The shit that’s been going on in this state latley has been… Death provoking. Men making laws to take away the rights of wemon, trans kids and their parents, gay people, and different races. Men fucking ruin everything. Old boomers really but, the smile you see on their face when they write the contract to abolish abortion when they have no place to speak about a woman’s body and know nothing about FUCKING TAKING CARE OF CHILDREN… God I wish they were all dead sometimes Sorry. I guess this is where I start to not blame people for how they feel. Maybe it’s because I understand the feeling mutually, except instead of hating innocent people, I hate people who actually deserve death. Sexist a bit rn but I know it’s not everyone who my hate targets are pointed at, at the very least. Though, it’d be better to shoot myself and leave this joker shithole than keep around and think I can survive. Trauma does this to you I guess. This is why my therapist says I can’t do trauma exposure therapy. The memories make me relapse quick. At least Mori is not here to act upon this anger. This is why I can’t think back to the trauma even a little bit.
I hate this fucking world.