I don’t know what I want or who I want. I’m just a dumb kid that doesn’t have one hell of an idea of who attracts them because I honestly don’t feel that much towards anyone at all. There was someone I liked. Was. We actually dated for a few months until my mental health went downhill and I decided not to drag them with me.
I don’t know what changed in me. Whenever I think of all the things we did, I feel sick in my stomach. Like my stomach is being folded and twisted inside out. But I don’t understand it since this was someone I loved for a long time. Maybe I hate it now because I feel so exposed. Maybe because it feels so familiar.
I’ve always been the gutsy one, I’m reckless at times. I follow self indulgence since I am a selfish person. I remember being the first one to remove my shirt, my pants, all on separate occasions and nothing more than that. (I think they had mentioned it before and I stuck with the idea of such a thing). Curiosity, simple curiosity. Maybe I’m a pervert or creep, but I didn’t feel anything. My heart rate went up but that’s the most that happened. I felt nothing, numb, hollow. But afterwards I was self-consciously regretful or, “Why did I do that?”
Nothing was ever sexual, but still. I can’t see myself loving someone and maybe I never loved them, but rather the feeling of loving. Maybe I’m projecting what I was forced into onto them. If so, that’s disgusting and I hate myself for it. Ah, well, I’ve always hated myself. Nothing ever changes, does it?
Struggling to write all this had made me realize my biggest problem: confrontation. Running away from my issues and things is easier emotionally. And yet I’m still attracted to horrible things, but I’m not ready to sort my thoughts out about going back just yet. I’ll smile and laugh about my problems, about how I’m so poor and pitiful and that it’s patheticly funny. In all truth, I can take everything else seriously except myself. Because I really don’t deserve it. I’m laughing right now because I don’t know what else to do anymore. I’m so stupid. People around me always mention how I’m so “brave” and have such “courage” when I’m really just a dumb fuck who has no image of self worth, confidence, or value. I’m only able to smile and laugh during hard times because otherwise I’d cry. It hurts.
I feel so dirty, like I’m spreading the filth under my nails. Vulnerability sickens me so I know I’ll regret this later. I just want forgiveness since I’ll never be able to forgive myself