Love makes me sick now

[wren_wyn]

I don’t know what I want or who I want. I’m just a dumb kid that doesn’t have one hell of an idea of who attracts them because I honestly don’t feel that much towards anyone at all. There was someone I liked. Was. We actually dated for a few months until my mental health went downhill and I decided not to drag them with me.

I don’t know what changed in me. Whenever I think of all the things we did, I feel sick in my stomach. Like my stomach is being folded and twisted inside out. But I don’t understand it since this was someone I loved for a long time. Maybe I hate it now because I feel so exposed. Maybe because it feels so familiar.
I’ve always been the gutsy one, I’m reckless at times. I follow self indulgence since I am a selfish person. I remember being the first one to remove my shirt, my pants, all on separate occasions and nothing more than that. (I think they had mentioned it before and I stuck with the idea of such a thing). Curiosity, simple curiosity. Maybe I’m a pervert or creep, but I didn’t feel anything. My heart rate went up but that’s the most that happened. I felt nothing, numb, hollow. But afterwards I was self-consciously regretful or, “Why did I do that?”
Nothing was ever sexual, but still. I can’t see myself loving someone and maybe I never loved them, but rather the feeling of loving. Maybe I’m projecting what I was forced into onto them. If so, that’s disgusting and I hate myself for it. Ah, well, I’ve always hated myself. Nothing ever changes, does it?

Struggling to write all this had made me realize my biggest problem: confrontation. Running away from my issues and things is easier emotionally. And yet I’m still attracted to horrible things, but I’m not ready to sort my thoughts out about going back just yet. I’ll smile and laugh about my problems, about how I’m so poor and pitiful and that it’s patheticly funny. In all truth, I can take everything else seriously except myself. Because I really don’t deserve it. I’m laughing right now because I don’t know what else to do anymore. I’m so stupid. People around me always mention how I’m so “brave” and have such “courage” when I’m really just a dumb fuck who has no image of self worth, confidence, or value. I’m only able to smile and laugh during hard times because otherwise I’d cry. It hurts.

I feel so dirty, like I’m spreading the filth under my nails. Vulnerability sickens me so I know I’ll regret this later. I just want forgiveness since I’ll never be able to forgive myself

[Wings]

If you met someone who was very much like you, and dealing with similar issues, would you feel it fair to hate that person? Would you turn your back and walk away, having decided that person didn’t deserve your time or attention?

You are dealing with a lot of complex life issues, but trying to work them out while feeling self-hatred is comparable to trying to butter your toast with a cinderblock.

Everyone has troubling thoughts and urges, but you are not your thoughts. You are the person behind your thoughts, the one who decides to either act on them or not, or to ignore them or become freaked out by them.

It’s an indication of wisdom that you acknowledge that you are selfish. In truth, an appropriate amount of selfishness is necessary in order to provide yourself with adequate self-care. That includes emotional self-care.

You were in a relationship with this person, and during that time you felt that your mental health was declining. Have you considered that the relationship itself might have been a contributing factor? Sometimes people hang around each other even if they’re not good for each other.

You have said that your biggest problem is confrontation, or seemingly more accurately, self confrontation. That is totally understandable considering the extent to which you have been beating yourself up emotionally. So, in a sense, you are afraid to approach yourself, just as you would be reluctant to approach anyone who is emotionally abusive.

Try an experiment. For 30 minutes, commit to being kind and compassionate to yourself. During that 30 minutes, “confront” yourself about an issue you have been struggling with. I have a feeling that you will come out of the experience with a greater degree of self acceptance and quite possibly, an improved ability to deal with the issue.

Honest self-assessment takes courage, but it also takes a commitment to self compassion.

In a sense, realizing a decent level of self worth can be a little bit scary because with it, a person usually tends to have higher self expectations. In other words, despair can be easy because it requires no effort to maintain. Realizing one’s own value, suggests that a person should be doing something with it.

It’s okay to see the humor in one’s own flaws, but it needs to be balanced with awareness of the person’s positive attributes.

There is a flipside to the golden rule, and it is of equal or greater importance: “treat yourself as you would treat others.”

[wren_wyn]

I don’t know why I can’t treat myself with kindness. If I was an outsider, if I saw myself, it’d be different. I don’t think I’m an awful or rude person but rather the opposite. So I don’t understand why. Well, I do, but I’d never admit the reasons to myself. Reminds me of playing peekaboo in the mirror. I’ll only see what I let myself.

I will try the little experiment. I’ve got nothing to lose, but whenever I give myself the smallest ounce of praise, my mind shoots it down with a negative one.

I don’t think our relationship was ever healthy from both ends. I have a bad attachment style which I think is fearful avoidant. On their end, they’re really sensitive and have had to deal with emotional abuse. It was codependent especially from my end. I was quick to love and maybe I mistook it for love. I followed my indulgence.
Maybe the rumors are making me sick, too. Because it’s made me feel guilty about how I felt about someone similar to me. Yes, perhaps they were true, but that’s not enough foundation to make what those who started it valid. I regret it. I’d take it all back if I could but I can’t and that’s the most helpless feeling. I’m scratching at sand and getting nowhere.

I don’t know what value I have since I feel so degraded. In my mind, everything works as an exchange or trade. I have to earn my self worth and value somehow. My confidence would then be boosted by that.

Confronting myself would lead to vulnerability and I don’t want to make myself vulnerable. It would also mean admitting what I know and finally cementing them firmly. Knowing is different from acceptance.
Admitting all my problems would slowly fracture my defenses. So it feels as though I’m finally breaking because of me admitting how broken I actually am. Like my porcelain is chipping and crumbling into dust. Maybe it’s for the best. It really is overwhelming. I’m unsure of what to think or feel anymore. I’m so tired of everything. My mental health is so poor and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like yelling into an empty well, “Please help me.” No one has replied to my call physically. The waiting lists for therapy can’t be helped for but I’m growing tired of waiting. The severity of my state has yet to come out. But then again, I’m like a cat- I don’t show my sickness until it’s too late.

[Wings]

So, you admit that you are the opposite of an awful or rude person. I agree. Regardless of that, even if you were an awful or rude person, you would still have value, but at that point, it would exist as unrealized potential.

Self-worth is a fact. It is who you are, not what you earn. However, even if believing that earning it was necessary, I’m willing to bet you have a history of accomplishments, along with that, you have integrity and attributes of personality that are an absolute gift to others.

I also think that you have learned a lot, which has made you a far different person than the one you used to be, you know, the one you still feel guilty about. You have made mistakes, but I think you are at least as good as anyone else when it comes to not repeating them. You will make more mistakes, which means you will have more opportunities to learn.

You feel as though confronting yourself would lead to vulnerability? However, you already have confronted yourself, and in a very unfair way, as you have passed harsh judgment upon yourself. You also indicate that vulnerability would mean admitting to what you already know. If you already know, you have admitted it.

When it comes to defenses, are those defenses actually working for you? Perhaps they are, as they are defending against a decent sense of self-worth. If your vehicle is running badly or not at all, is it better to feel miserable because it’s “broken,” and just live with it in that condition, or is it better to look under the hood and try to figure out why it’s not behaving?

You are correct, knowing is different from acceptance, but both things are important. It’s okay to accept yourself while knowing that you have things about yourself you need to work on.

If you degrade yourself, you also disempower yourself, making it really hard to make positive changes. You don’t deserve to be degraded, even if you are the person doing it.

Regarding rumors, I’ve heard it said, “what other people think of me is none of my business.” I know that sounds a bit extreme, but it does suggest that your feelings do not need to be controlled by what other people are saying. Ironically, those who project the attitude that they don’t care what others are saying or thinking, tend to be more popular, and those around them, instead of gossiping, seek their approval.

It really sucks that there is a waiting list for therapy. Yet if you are on that list, eventually, your name will come up.

In the meantime, you’re welcome to talk here all you want, and there are people who will listen and care.

[wren_wyn]

I’m feeling better now since I’ve had a chance to step back and look at the big picture. So thank you.

I think I view things as a trade because of my past. If I gave “bad” behavior, then I’d be hurt and he’d make me cry. But if I gave “good” behavior, then I’d be praised/cherished/“loved.” And so if I was a suck up all the time, I never got hurt. If I appeased him then it’d hurt less and that was the easiest thing to do. I suppose you could call it survival, but that seems dramatic. The perception of myself is so warped because of the man who abused me. And since I’m still struggling with the things that he did to me and told me like: “you’re worthless, you’re stupid, you’re so dumb, I hate you, I’ll kill you,” alongside many other things, I’m still carrying him around. That’s the biggest shame that I have which reinforces all the things he told me. Maybe he’s not with me anymore, but his shadow is still behind me whispering.

I think the defenses work. If not, then I’ve convinced myself that they do. I tend to keep others at a distance and sometimes myself, too. If they don’t work, then it’s similar to reassurance. I distance myself because of the fear of being hurt again (especially with the rumors now) but then it’s mixed with the want to be hurt again. I don’t think I can trust anyone, not even myself at times. I was a child and it was my upbringing so my brain has been destroyed. But it can’t be helped for. The past is the past and I can only worry about the present.

At first the rumors didn’t affect me but then they did and they are. I’m leaving next semester to start homeschooling again which will help my mental health. I usually don’t care what people think of me but when it gets to the point where it’s constant, I start to doubt myself.

On a happier note, you’re right, I have many achievements. I’ve been described as resilient and strong multiple times. I don’t have any formal rewards, but my academics are more than great. I’m usually quick to pick up anything new that I learn. I feel as though I’m bragging. I’m your average person except I’ve seen how hideous the evil in people can be.