since relationship therapy or professional individual councelling is too expensive for me, I am back here after years.
2,5 years ago I met the love of my life. We started out very randomly, but soon grew to realize we will never meet anyone else like each other and it naturally started to be a fact we would be together forever. We have the same vision for our lives and our love is just crazy good. We both had a very strong opinion against marriage but were planning to fit this into our lives and getting ready for having a future and family together. He’s from another country then where we live and can hardly go back, so this summer we finally had the possibility to meet his family again after 5 and 8 years. He is my home, his family is my home, he is my everything and the light of my life and soul, my partner, best friend, father, brother, boyfriend. I am the same for him. Even everyone around us is surprised at our love and impressed.
I try to make it short. 3 weeks ago I met someone while walking my dog. He’s from the same country as were I was adopted from, a very big, sensitive and scary topic for me. The last few weeks this topic was already on my mind a lot, also because we were making some serious plans for the future where I just need to get to know that part of my culture and identity too (it was always taboo to speak about this, growing up in my family’s home). The guy I met was very enthusiastic to teach me more about my country of origin and I felt I found the opportunity I was waiting for whole my life. A few days later we ran into each other again and we changed phone numbers, because he had no social media accounts anymore. My partner was very supportive of this and happy for me, he is also very much into the latin-american culture. After my partner met him, he told me something that I got completely wrong. He told me this guy is not looking for friendship, he ignored me completely, he is coming for you. I was tired and sleepy and somehow understood that my partner said that this guy didn’t want to be his friend, only my friend. My partner said also he didn’t care a shit about this guy, so whatever (something like that). My confused mind thought my partner didn’t like to spend time with him while in hindsight, obviously he didn’t want me spending time with him. That was the biggest mistake. I still went to see this guy 1 time more the evening before my partner was planning to leave a few days to his friends’, I felt my partner didn’t like it but I asked him, offered him also to stay home, told him I’d prefer staying home but he told me to go. I am someone to take another persons word serious, so I went, against my gut feeling. Since then my partner ignored me completely, even when he left to his friend by bike to the train station and I was running after him and calling for him. I asked him even if he needs his space. I texted, called, no response. I went crazy because he never did anything like this and had a dozen different scenario’s and thoughts in my mind. I called a friend an she came over and we talked for hours, I ended up texting him I think he needs space but I hope we can talk soon to see what’s wrong. he told me a few days before to take care of myself so that’s what I tried, a bit texting him that I am thinking of him and missing him but mostly leaving him alone. I met up with some friends, went to practice my instrument and also met up with the guy.
This was wrong and when back home he told me I was cheating on him. Emotionally. He told me this 1 year ago also. This time, he wanted to show me something was wrong again by leaving like that and expecting me to come after him. We were back in the same situation but worse, because I was panicking and going crazy (also after a lot of sleepless nights worrying) and our conversations that should’ve helped me to fix it, went wrong and I made everything worse. I realized that 2-3 days later but the pain of the words I said don’t leave my partner, because I was now contradictive he feels he doesn’t know me anymore and can’t trust my careless character.
I can talk about my love in these hard situations. But I am panicking. I cannot show my love properly and how my partner needs it. This makes it even worse for him to trust me again. He tells me I don’t know my limits towards other persons, even if my intention is not wrong, in which he has a point. Unfortunately, he had to move for his internship last week and now we are not living together anymore and seeing each other irl. All the phone and video calls go wrong. He wants to break up, but also believes we are meant to be together. I visited him once last week and that was amazing, everything went more back to normal. Now he doesn’t want me to visit these 4 months that he is living somewhere else, because then his emotions come back and they don’t fit his reasoning that I cannot give him what he needs. He wants a 4 -month break because this and I give him so much stress that he has a heart-problem now (he went with ambulance to emergency hospital for 1 day). He says we have no future if we continue together, but if we have a break an he deletes me from his mind and life, we have a 50% chance to a future together, because we can both take care of ourselves and figure out ourselves and fix ourselves. Then when we see each other again, we know clearly and rationally what we want and then we can see if we still fit into each others life and future.
I am so scared. I don’t know what to do, even though he tells me he wants me to make him feel secure, to update him on my life and what I’m doing and feeling and that I should get my intense emotions under control. I should let my actions show my love and not only my words. For me, this is so hard to do in this panic and also with a long-distance relationship, while we are living together for more then a year already.
In 2 days, we will make a decision (he wanted this weekend suddenly but he wants to give me time to think it through). If I don’t find a better option then his idea to have a break for 4 months, we will do that. But I know him; he is very extreme and can do/reach everything he wants. He might completely delete me from his mind and with that kill his love for me. Or it could go the other way: he could be that extreme that even though we have no contact, he will still have me in his heart and mind even though he said he wouldn’t. the second part would be a way to heal our love and make our relationship stronger, in my deepest heart I believe this will also happen, but rationally thinking I think this is a decision towards ending our life and together.
I am so lost. I can’t function (i am still living in our house with our dog). I can’t tell anyone, they won’t understand because sometimes this just happens in relationships when it’s not the right person for you, but we are and through this all, we both still believe this. 2 weeks ago we were planning our future and now everything is broken because of my actions when he left.
If you have any thoughts about this, ideas what to do except break-up for 4 months, any tips on how to show with my actions how much I love him or how to control my emotions better in this time, please let me know. In 48hrs max we will have the talk.
thank you if you read it this far. And just so you know: I don’t go into details now, but all my actions looked like I was cheating and it was just stupid. I don’t know how I didn’t see that at that time. The guy sure did, he tried touching me up 1 time while my partner was gone those days and that only seems like a confirmation of how wrong my actions were, it even gave him a green light somehow while I told him how much my partner means to me.