Love of my life doesn't trust me anymore, my actions were like cheating

[Catalatina]

Hello,

since relationship therapy or professional individual councelling is too expensive for me, I am back here after years.

2,5 years ago I met the love of my life. We started out very randomly, but soon grew to realize we will never meet anyone else like each other and it naturally started to be a fact we would be together forever. We have the same vision for our lives and our love is just crazy good. We both had a very strong opinion against marriage but were planning to fit this into our lives and getting ready for having a future and family together. He’s from another country then where we live and can hardly go back, so this summer we finally had the possibility to meet his family again after 5 and 8 years. He is my home, his family is my home, he is my everything and the light of my life and soul, my partner, best friend, father, brother, boyfriend. I am the same for him. Even everyone around us is surprised at our love and impressed.

I try to make it short. 3 weeks ago I met someone while walking my dog. He’s from the same country as were I was adopted from, a very big, sensitive and scary topic for me. The last few weeks this topic was already on my mind a lot, also because we were making some serious plans for the future where I just need to get to know that part of my culture and identity too (it was always taboo to speak about this, growing up in my family’s home). The guy I met was very enthusiastic to teach me more about my country of origin and I felt I found the opportunity I was waiting for whole my life. A few days later we ran into each other again and we changed phone numbers, because he had no social media accounts anymore. My partner was very supportive of this and happy for me, he is also very much into the latin-american culture. After my partner met him, he told me something that I got completely wrong. He told me this guy is not looking for friendship, he ignored me completely, he is coming for you. I was tired and sleepy and somehow understood that my partner said that this guy didn’t want to be his friend, only my friend. My partner said also he didn’t care a shit about this guy, so whatever (something like that). My confused mind thought my partner didn’t like to spend time with him while in hindsight, obviously he didn’t want me spending time with him. That was the biggest mistake. I still went to see this guy 1 time more the evening before my partner was planning to leave a few days to his friends’, I felt my partner didn’t like it but I asked him, offered him also to stay home, told him I’d prefer staying home but he told me to go. I am someone to take another persons word serious, so I went, against my gut feeling. Since then my partner ignored me completely, even when he left to his friend by bike to the train station and I was running after him and calling for him. I asked him even if he needs his space. I texted, called, no response. I went crazy because he never did anything like this and had a dozen different scenario’s and thoughts in my mind. I called a friend an she came over and we talked for hours, I ended up texting him I think he needs space but I hope we can talk soon to see what’s wrong. he told me a few days before to take care of myself so that’s what I tried, a bit texting him that I am thinking of him and missing him but mostly leaving him alone. I met up with some friends, went to practice my instrument and also met up with the guy.

This was wrong and when back home he told me I was cheating on him. Emotionally. He told me this 1 year ago also. This time, he wanted to show me something was wrong again by leaving like that and expecting me to come after him. We were back in the same situation but worse, because I was panicking and going crazy (also after a lot of sleepless nights worrying) and our conversations that should’ve helped me to fix it, went wrong and I made everything worse. I realized that 2-3 days later but the pain of the words I said don’t leave my partner, because I was now contradictive he feels he doesn’t know me anymore and can’t trust my careless character.

I can talk about my love in these hard situations. But I am panicking. I cannot show my love properly and how my partner needs it. This makes it even worse for him to trust me again. He tells me I don’t know my limits towards other persons, even if my intention is not wrong, in which he has a point. Unfortunately, he had to move for his internship last week and now we are not living together anymore and seeing each other irl. All the phone and video calls go wrong. He wants to break up, but also believes we are meant to be together. I visited him once last week and that was amazing, everything went more back to normal. Now he doesn’t want me to visit these 4 months that he is living somewhere else, because then his emotions come back and they don’t fit his reasoning that I cannot give him what he needs. He wants a 4 -month break because this and I give him so much stress that he has a heart-problem now (he went with ambulance to emergency hospital for 1 day). He says we have no future if we continue together, but if we have a break an he deletes me from his mind and life, we have a 50% chance to a future together, because we can both take care of ourselves and figure out ourselves and fix ourselves. Then when we see each other again, we know clearly and rationally what we want and then we can see if we still fit into each others life and future.

I am so scared. I don’t know what to do, even though he tells me he wants me to make him feel secure, to update him on my life and what I’m doing and feeling and that I should get my intense emotions under control. I should let my actions show my love and not only my words. For me, this is so hard to do in this panic and also with a long-distance relationship, while we are living together for more then a year already.

In 2 days, we will make a decision (he wanted this weekend suddenly but he wants to give me time to think it through). If I don’t find a better option then his idea to have a break for 4 months, we will do that. But I know him; he is very extreme and can do/reach everything he wants. He might completely delete me from his mind and with that kill his love for me. Or it could go the other way: he could be that extreme that even though we have no contact, he will still have me in his heart and mind even though he said he wouldn’t. the second part would be a way to heal our love and make our relationship stronger, in my deepest heart I believe this will also happen, but rationally thinking I think this is a decision towards ending our life and together.

I am so lost. I can’t function (i am still living in our house with our dog). I can’t tell anyone, they won’t understand because sometimes this just happens in relationships when it’s not the right person for you, but we are and through this all, we both still believe this. 2 weeks ago we were planning our future and now everything is broken because of my actions when he left.

If you have any thoughts about this, ideas what to do except break-up for 4 months, any tips on how to show with my actions how much I love him or how to control my emotions better in this time, please let me know. In 48hrs max we will have the talk.

thank you if you read it this far. And just so you know: I don’t go into details now, but all my actions looked like I was cheating and it was just stupid. I don’t know how I didn’t see that at that time. The guy sure did, he tried touching me up 1 time while my partner was gone those days and that only seems like a confirmation of how wrong my actions were, it even gave him a green light somehow while I told him how much my partner means to me.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hi Catalatina
Its nice to meet you but I am very sorry its under such tumultuous circumstances.
You are dealing with a lot in a short time and that must be taking a toll on you and your partner.
It sounds to me that you both talk but a lot to each other but some gets lost in translation and I mean that because things don’t appear to be being explained or heard properly and I don’t think its a “confused mind” that has caused an issue I think it sounds like a genuine misunderstanding which anyone can have and it saddens me that you are punishing yourself so much for a genuine mistake.
As for what happened when your partner ignored you, you lived your life the best you could under the horrible circumstances even though you were very unhappy, that is not wrong.
You speak a lot about what you can or cannot do for him and how you make him feel and you don’t mention very much at all about what you do to help with your own mental wellbeing which sounds like is suffering and is very important as you live with you every day.
You both love each other and I hope you both find the happiness that you want , I also would love you to not continue to punish yourself for things that are not your fault or allow anyone else to punish you either. Love and relationships can be a struggle at times but ultimately are meant to be a pleasure and joyful.
Whatever happens in your future please take care of Your well being.
I hope this is of some help to you.

[twixremix]

hi @Catalatina ,

i hope this message reaches you in time before you and your partner’s talk. thank you for sharing this huge moment in your life with your HS community and hope that you are feeling the love and strength
from all of us to you.

i agree with everything @Lisalovesfeathers has shared with you. i think there will be a chain reaction from the moment you address this emotional cheating with your partner that will likely help ease the sleepless nights.

in order to regain any trust that has been lost by your interactions with this new guy, i think a gesture that reminds your partner of how incredible and life-changing your love together is. whether that’s through a letter, going to a place y’all love together, flowers, etc., i think you showing that love through your love language is what will have the best result. you can also offer to learn your culture together through movies, books, studying the history, and so on. you mentioned how he is also very interested in latin-american culture so i think this will be a great next step in building back the bond in your relationship.

wishing you the absolute best of luck in this discussion with your partner, my friend. i believe in you to keep this love alive while also learning about your culture. looking forward to hearing any future updates on how you are doing!

love,
twix

[mishsim]

Hello Catalatina,

I think it is awful that you and your spouse are going through this tumult. It sounds like an honest mistake and a stranger with a different intention that you thought has created a scenario where your spouse feels like something is wrong.

What if you had them read this post (as it is almost an apology letter in the way I read it) and they could see your honest heart and feelings. Maybe they will understand that you didn’t mean to hurt them. Just keep in mind that both hearts are hurting and will need to heal in their own time and ways.

Some times these things happen for a reason. If the other person is looking for a way out, they will get extra upset too, so not to point fingers but it’s always possible there could be another story on his side too. Maybe he needs to explain why he thinks 4 months is changing anything vs. one night or a hour apart?

If you feel up to it we’d love an update here this next week.

Until then, my heart goes out to you <3 mishsim

[Catalatina]

Thank you everybody for your kind and caring responses.

The day before we were gonna talk, we were calling and realizing both of all of our feelings are going numb. We are so so tired from this situation. On one hand, we want our life back and go back to ‘normal’, on the other hand he has no hope because of my actions failing him and he would feel weak to go back to me, which I also understand. We shouldn’t stay like this too long, we should take a step but I don’t know which step. I would love to see him, everything in me says it is right to meet up each other, it’s only less than a 2-hr drive. But he doesn’t want to see me because of his mixed feelings towards me, he says when he is with me he has no control of his actions which he might regret later. I also understand that, but I really am lost at what to do. I am trying to take care of myself and keep my own life and responsibilities on the rails, he is trying to do the same but me and what I’ve done are of course distracting him so much. He says he wants to not care anymore because it is interrupting everything in his daily life. I don’t know what to do still, I will have some talks probably with one of my coaches from my studies, she knows all the important deep stuff about me that probably has something to do with how I was behaving and feeling too. But in the end, I have to show my partner something that gives him back security. I really want that. Because he is secure with me, I will never want someone else and won’t give myself to someone else. If only he could feel again what I feel for him…

So we are trying to take care of ourselves individually, which is the first step of course. But I am not sure if I am interrupting him by still being in contact. I was wondering if we could have less contact to stay more focused, but for example a few times only per week, or even less. But he says he should be all-in or all-out.

So yeah, everything is very tense and sensitive stil…

[SheetMetalHead]

In this situation I’d tell him to call you when he’s ready. Each time you contact him, even with the best intentions, is a small rip in a wound. It also gives him control of a situation where he feels lost and powerless.

For what it’s worth, him reconciling with you would be a very strong thing to do. Have you heard the expression “In love, you can be right or you can be happy”? My interpretation of that isn’t about winning and losing arguments, it’s about pride and principles versus humility and forgiveness. He can categorically dump you on principle, but then all he’s left with are the ashes of an important relationship. Or he can give reconciliation a chance, and leave open the possibility of rebuilding what you had. I hope he realizes that, and I hope that can give you a measure of comfort Forgiveness and trust may not come over night, but giving them a chance should be the winning solution for both of you.

[Mystrose]

@SheetMetalHead

Well said

[Catalatina]

thank you so much, I think this is a good option. He stopped talking to me since yesterday because he says he just doesn’t want to care anymore and I understand that, this is exhausting. I was thinking to tell him this option you just told me, I hope we can somehow find some kind of agreement on if some period of time would be too long, like the 4months of his internship he mentioned. But we will see… He doesn’t want to call with me but he will make time for 10 minutes any minute from now. I think this will be our last time talking for a long while and it’s breaking my heart and spirit…

[Catalatina]

So we called, he indeed decided to delete me because I am only giving him pain. He cannot see anything good, and says love isn’t always enough. All his feelings are turned off, he cannot say what is gonna happen to our relationship and our future. He is focusing on himself and asked me to do the same. When I can explain him why I did what I did, we can see if there’s any more things we can do. But he thinks not any reason will comfort him for a future together.

I will not contact him unless I find something important about myself that explains why I did what I did. He only asked me to everyday send a video of our puppy.

When I asked him for how long we can keep up the act that everything is fine towards our friends and family, how he is planning to do that, he said ‘you think you really need 4 months to figure yourself out?’ so I will hold on to those words as a motivation to work very hard, and also as a hope that he somehow somewhere has some faith maybe… But maybe I am fooling myself. He also said this day would just come and he doesn’t understand why I am suprised or even calling him.

I really hope the space will help us calm down and then realize we are missing each other, we are not complete. I hope it will not bleed out our love. He said he doesn’t care, just not this pain anymore. So he takes the risk, he doesn’t care anymore but he also doesn’t want to care anymore. I am as of now deleted from his life and mind…

The hard thing is, I heal first on the outside a bit and then on the inside. But he says his wound is so deep, that it is too painful to even stitch it. It first has to be numb and maybe the wound will heal them, maybe not. I am very very scared I will forever be a problem fo him, i feel so much responsibility which I want to take, but I also feel powerless because I am afraid his feeling will stay away.

I still have our dreams. I can’t see couples, I start crying when I see babies because we were always dreaming together when we saw babies. I can’t function. I really hope I can find peace in myself and understand myself and then let him know that. But it’s very hard finding peace and understanding in yourself when you almost killed the love of your life who gave you his everything, which he never did before with anyone.

[Sita]

I’m no expert, but I think what may help is for you to acknowledge to yourself first that you didn’t cheat with the other person, and that you made an honest mistake. It hurts, but you have to learn the lessons from that, and maybe not be so trusting of others. it also sounds like you and your partner need to be more transparent in your communication so that you each really hear and understand what the other is saying, to avoid any more misunderstandings. I really hope you can find a solution that bring happiness to you both. Thank you for sharing, relationships can be really tough! All the best friend

[Catalatina]

Thank you everybody for caring.

He broke up with me last week via text message in the midnight while I just finished my working shift. I had a breakdown and could talk with my amazing colleagues. I went to see him the day after and we had a hard 2-hr talk, then we kinda were so done with everything we went ‘back to normal’ for a while and I left the next morning. From then we had better and more open communication and this weekend he came home. It was vey hard the first day but late r on we had a lot of deep, vulnerable talks that was very precious for both of us. Since last night he became more distanced and looks like he is deep thinking but e said he was gonna be fine. This morning he went back and told me later he is in a very serious mood since last night. I think he is wondering if I am hiding more things from him which i told him I’m not but yeah the trust is broken. So I’m jsut trying to make him see that I deeply care about him in all the small things I do and hoping for the best. I cannot believe we will be apart. I’m just trying to make myself and us healthy and thriving again

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hi @Catalatina
Thank you for the update, I have been wondering how things were going for you.
It sounds like such a roller coaster and I hope soon it will settle down one way or another because this is taking its toll and its not healthy.
I wish you all the very best and hope that you make the right choices for your own mental wellbeing.
Take care and we are always here for you.
Much Love
Lisa

[mishsim]

I’m so sorry. It has been such a terrible time for you. Just remember sometimes things don’t work out and it’s ok. Sometimes things are broken but later are mended to become more beautiful than they were before. I will hope for the best for you, but remember these conversations and both parties should be held accountable for their actions/behavior. You are not alone and I’m so glad you had coworkers to talk to that day for support.

<3/Mish

[Catalatina]

It’s been a while… A lot has happened, as in, the rollercoaster kept on going. My partner tried and tried but I was just frozen from fear and regret. I think since 2 days I feel ready to own up for my actions and just answer all the questions and open up about everything, before I was so scared and didn’t want to hurt him more. I am finally able to accept what I’ve done. But it is too late. He told me it is too late. He left and is not coming back, we will only see each other at the appointment we made 1,5 weeks ago for a relationship therapist. This appointment will happened friday next week. I think I was frozen too long. My partner says that when he thinks of me as a friend, he feels better and calmer. Which I understand. He is waiting for approval from the therapist to go indeed in this direction.

I somehow cannot show him in my actions how deeply I love him, for me in a romantic and partner-for-life way. My actions don’t make it clear for him.

He says he tried everything and cannot do anything anymore. I just have to make him feel safe, make it super obvious for him how much I love him (in my actions, no words anymore) and the trust has to be repaired, if the first two steps are working…

I cried as never before. I want the best for him. But I believe I can be that. I believe that now I accept what I’ve done and I am ready to move forward and change. But of course he is not ready. I am so scared. I was very hopeful for the relationship therapy but with the time that passed before we can have the first talk, we both have different goals for that… opposite goals…

[Sita]

I’m so sorry that you’re still hurting. It sounds like you were both not being clear about things and needed to communicate better/ communicate more.

If you have accepted what you’ve done, then it is time to make peace with it and learn and grow from it. I’m glad you guys have an appointment with a therapist. You also have to set limits for yourself.
if you have tried and tried with your partner and he has chosen to split, then there comes a time when you need to accept that decision and let him go. Making a mistake and learning from it is part of life. Sometimes a relationship can absorb it, sometimes it can’t.

You need to focus on your own individual way forward and what makes you happy. It’ll hurt, yes, but you also have to forgive yourself as well.