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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Judith by A Perfect Circle
Loving that APC is coming back into the public awareness. Just such a great confluence of talent and Paz? Yeah… Paz. Since the Pixies for me but her contribution to APC was great IMO (beyond that hair tie).
That aside, anyone who has borne witness to the horrors that can be inflicted on a body, mind, or spirit feels the frustration in that first “Fsck your God.”
I’m grappling with a wife who had a stroke (body), a mother who has advanced dementia (mind), and me trying to hold it all together without letting helplessness or anger take the wheel (spirit). Yeah, I cried like a newborn when they played this at Sessanta. I was a grown ass man with over 5 decades on this planet and just streaming tears. It was the first show she and I could go to after her stroke (we would always do festivals and concerts… it was kind of our thing).
Even just now (7 months and 3 days post incident), just watching this video dredged up that feeling… that anger. It’s white hot and wants a target so I get it. I’m not a Christ Puncher so I don’t really blame a specific God like Maynard does but my mother was devout so I feel the lyrics. I guess, for me, I feel that I have to kind of isolate it so it doesn’t burn up the rest of me or people around me. I suppose that is some kind of coping mechanism… denial, isolation, compartmentalization. A shrink would have a term for it I’m sure.
My wife was (and remains… she lived) the kindest, most gentle soul but she’s changed - how could she not after that? My mother was a nurse for 50 years caring for the most broken people selflessly while trying to raise two rambunctious boys on her own and devout enough to seek rides to church even when she lost the ability to drive so she could keep up her weekly attendance; yet, now she can’t hold a memory beyond the length of my visit. This happened to them… why can’t things like that happen to a pedophile or serial killer? Where’s the justice? Where is the presence of this all powerful, all knowing entity? Surely it knows if omnipresent… surely it could do something if omni powerful. I grappled with that in my own spiritual journey long before any of this happened but these recent events are an exclamation mark and a question mark at the same time.
I have played this song over and over this year. Shouting that final “He did it all for you” at the end when, to my ears, he really lets it lose and that growl seeps back in… yeah, that’s therapeutic for sure.
Anyhow, I wish you all who read this far peace as we endure this journey we are all on. Be well.