So, last night on new years eve I was having dinner with my mother, sister and father, we are on a family trip and stuff, even tho I am not completely into it because I dont want to be here, i’d like pretty much better stay at my home and study for the upcoming tests I have next week when college starts back.
So anyways, last night I bailed from the celebration, and now everyone is mad at me. But what they dont see is that I get easily overwhelmed with anxiety thoughts and also incredibly irritable when I am with them, my sister is like a parrot who nevers shuts up, it’s so annoying, my dad is either an angry yelling monster who makes us all feel uncomfortable or this sentimental big ass baby who is also hard to stand, and it’s very hard for me to be around him without feeling anxious, sometimes I try, sometimes like last night I dont. My mom is cool, she makes mad, and laugh, and I can sit with her in silent, or talk almost about anything.
So, we finished dinner around 11pm and I decided, to get up and go to the bathroom, and midway I decided I was going to my room, so I did, and I swear I felt so relieved when I got there, so I decided to go to bed, I didn’t want to have to stand being upset/anxious/sad and more from all these pallet of emotions just because it’s the new years eve. I’ve been having pretty bad days here, i’ve on the edge of crying in public just because I feel so fucking overwhelmed with my own thoughts, I haved dropped a few tears of sadness a couple of days in the safety of my room.
It’s so hard for me to be around them, like I just want peace, and they exacerbate my thoughts and feelings of depression and anxiety. Like I just wonder if the problem is not the way they are but the way I am, and so, so I start to question myself, and start feeling ashamed of myself, suddenly I am also angry, and it goes on and on… so I just bailed. But my dad just see an ungrateful son who turned his back to their family on new years eve. Yay I stay I go trough hell just because some stupid celebration, yay I leave then I am hated and now I have to worry about the consecuences. Fml.