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Made some progress but have also fallen back

It’s been a bit since I’ve been here so I’ll say some of the good things first. I’ve been able to stop self harming for two weeks when I hasn’t been able to stop for about 5 months. I’m not clean at the moment but at least I been able to break that funk. I’ve also been trying to convince myself that I’m not worthless but things haven’t changed since the last post. Now for the pitfalls. I have attempted suicide 10 times over the past two months. I haven’t for two weeks but it’s been a hard two months. I have also stop caring about my body a lot more. For example in marching band camp I pushed myself nearly to the point of passing out. I have also just diened myself to talk to my friends about this. I have tried to get over it but I keep ending up with the same thing that I either I don’t deserve it or it would hurt them.

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Two weeks is progress. What are you thinking about that has led to feelings of worthlessness? Feeling worthless isn’t the same as being worthless. The reality is, that no part of you is worthless.

You don’t need to treat your friends as though they are your therapists, but it might be helpful for you to let them know that you are struggling. Is it possible for you to hook up with a therapist or counselor?

I’d like to say more, but I am so tired I can’t keep my eyes open. So long for now.

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Hey @Paladin,

It’s good to see you again. Thank you so much for sharing these updates. :hrtlegolove:

I have attempted suicide 10 times over the past two months.

My heart breaks for you, knowing all the pain you’ve been through with these suicide attempts. Being in that emotional state of feeling hopeless is a terrible experience and I wish you didn’t know it personally. On the other hand, there’s not enough words to express how grateful I am for your presence, for the fact that you are still with us today, alive and breathing. You matter, friend. So much. Even during the times when you are convinced that you don’t.

I’ve been able to stop self harming for two weeks when I hasn’t been able to stop for about 5 months. I’m not clean at the moment but at least I been able to break that funk.

Being clean for two weeks is also an incredible success and mark of strength. This is something that you have accomplished, friend. You. With your perseverance, your heart, your resilience. That is something to be absolutely proud of, and it’s so good that you take the time to acknowledge it today. Victories during healing need to be validated, never dismissed. It’s part of how we create a positive and healthier cycle in our mind. For what it’s worth, I’m so proud of you for not harming for two weeks, even if there might have been relapses until then. Same for the absence of suicide attempts during two weeks. This is huge, friend.

I have tried to get over it but I keep ending up with the same thing that I either I don’t deserve it or it would hurt them.

It’s been a huge wall for you, indeed. Although there are times when you actually reached out to them. Maybe relying on these past experiences could also give you some strength again. To remind yourself how it was - that your friends listened to you and were glad to be there for you. That the question of “deserving” or not wasn’t even present, because that’s just not how it works when love someone and care about them.

Reaching out is tough and I totally feel these fears that you have as I share the same with my own friends. Though I try to remind myself that the discomfort and fears are temporary when we reach out. Because when we talk to the right people, people we know we can trust, then reaching out feels a bit like jumping from a cliff… and landing in a very smooth, safety net. There is someone to catch us there. And letting our fears dismiss that would be a pure injustice, both to ourselves and to them. It’s okay to give a chance to the people who love us to care for us. It’s actually a gift in which trust and love can grow stronger.

PS - I want to encourage you to give a try to the Safety Plan that we have here on the Support Wall. If you share it with your friends, or eventually therapist if you see one, then it could be a good way to keep you safe for when you’re going through a very rough time. You can see it as a kind of contract between you and yourself, but that might also involve trusted people, for the times when it gets hard to think clearly because our feelings are too intense. I personally filed one and might share it with my therapist. Overall, these are good steps to take, friend.

You are loved so much. It may feel unreal at times, but really, that truth never changes, regardless of the circumstances you encounter in your life. :hrtlegolove:

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I’m not trying to treat my friends like therapists I just want support when I’m feeling worthless. I have also been looking for a therapist I just haven’t found one yet. I really do want to let them know that I’m struggling but I also don’t want to hurt them.

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Thanks for your concern and kind words. I have been trying different coping skills as to not get overwhelmed and try to attempt but I’m not that good at it yet. I’ll definitely try the safety plan.

I wish I was also proud that I was clean for a bit but I’m not. I still view it as a failure that I’m clean at the moment but I’ll keep trying to validate it. I’l keep trying to reach out and try to stop feeling like I’m worthless. Thank you for responding.

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I know you’re not trying to treat your friends as though they are therapists. What I meant by that is you don’t need to explain in detail what you are struggling with, if you believe doing so would make them uncomfortable. It is an investment of trust if you say, “I’m struggling, and could really use a friend.” If someone says that to me, I feel honored by their trust. I think a lot of people feel that way. Some friends don’t know how to act towards other friends who are struggling. It’s just as well to forgive them in advance if it works out that way.

You have friends here because you are worth having as a friend.

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I’ll try to do that when I need some support. I’ll also try to remember that I’m worth something or else I wouldn’t have friends. Thank you

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