Hi, I’m dealing with trust issues lately to my partner. I’ve always been one who find everybody’s suspicious. No matter I don’t have enough reason to feel that way, I always feel people have tendency to hurt me or lie to me.
Lately, I asked my boyfriend to come to my house, meet my big family. He’s fine with that, but on that day, he did a rapid antigen test and turned out he’s corona positive. I’ve seen the screenshoot of his result, but still I feel a little doubt that he manipulate the result and lie just so he didn’t come to meet my big family.
I don’t have the right to doubt him, he’s not a liar kind of type. But I think about it all day and night, till a point I feel powerless, draining, and such in a badmood. I keep thinking he’s lying, he doesn’t love me, and tons of other negative overthinking, and I don’t know is it normal to feel that way? I’m not going to confronting him and ruin our relationship (because to be honest things are amazing with him so far), but I don’t know how to erase my doubt and stop thinking that he’s lying. Is this normal or not, and if it isn’t, what should I do? (FYI to begin with, my trust issues began on my cheating father, who lied a lot to me during my teenagehood just to meet his mistress).
Have you had a lot of issues with mistrusting people? I know I personally can be the same way. Very wary and suspicious of people, and unfortunately it can sometimes strain relationships.
Have you had any reason in the past not to trust your boyfriend?
Do you feel like you are constantly seeking validation from your relationship?
Have you spoken before to a professional about these things?
How do you think he would respond to an honest conversation about how you’re feeling? Would he support you?
All you have to really say is that it’s been difficult for you lately because you keep getting these feelings of suspicion. Even if you don’t truely deep down believe he is a liar or a suspicious type.
You’re not alone with these feelings. Once trust has been so broken (especially if your were hurt as a child), then it’s a fragile thing to restore. It makes you feel unworthy of the love and validation.
But just so you know, you deserve that love. You are very worthy.
nice to meet you! Thank you for being here and opening up to us on what is a deeply personal issue. I thank you for that trust and hope we can support you as best as we can!
Would it help you to consider other possibilities, which logically have a higher probability of being his real motives? for example, you got suspicious that he faked being positive to avoid meeting your large family. You could ask yourself?
- did he give any indications before that he didn’t want to meet them?
- why did he get a test on that day? Most likely he was trying to be responsible and make sure he was healthy before meeting everyone. This would an amazing reason for him to be tested, and it would show how much he respects and cares for your family, that he is making sure he is capable of meeting them without getting anyone sick.
analyze the source of your fears. Is it something he did really, or is it a phrase and a moment from your past that triggered the fears?
is this the first time these suspicions and fears have bothered you like this with regards to this boyfriend? Or have you been questioning his feelings for a while?
I think it’s a good step for you to identify where the trust issues stem from, and maybe getting some professional guidance can help you deal with this, so it remains with the cause, and doesn’t affect your relationships this much.
It does not sound like the typical way of thinking/feeling about your partner, and I’m really sorry that you are going through this sort of emotional avalanche right now.
Trust issues like this are really tricky. It is difficult to be constantly proving to your partner that you love them and try to show you’re trustworthy. This is why I asked if your doubts are based on fears and not a history of actual behaviour.
I’d suggest that you work with a therapist to address this, since it could improve your skills and ability to deal with these thoughts, which could make things much easier for you emotionally and mentally.
There may be helpful online resources you can look up to, that deal with this sort of deep trust issues, that can give you some tips and tricks to deal with your possibly unfounded fears. Wishing you peace, and hope that you can lessen the mental burden of these fears and doubts, friend.
Hi Friend, thank you so much for your post, I can most relate to what you have written as someone who has never had a relationship that has not involved that lack of trust and yes it could most definitely have started with what you experienced as a teenager, I think in most circumstances and we will put our parents up on pedestals and believe that they can do no wrong and that is the road we too want to follow and then one day however serious the situation we find out that they make mistakes and that particular one, one where we find out that our own parent has broken someone elses trust is a big one because then we have the quandary of “well if my own parent cant be trusted, who the heck can I trust?” The sensible answer to that of course is everyone is fallible and just because one person lets you down tells you nothing about any one else but its not your sensible mind that is talking to you at the moment, far from it. If you genuinely believe in the moments when these thoughts are not happening that your relationship is good and its your mindset that is the problem then working on your mindset is the answer and that can be done. There are many ways to work on mindfulness and to train your mind to to ignore these intrusive thoughts when they come. I will put some links down under this post, it will take some time but I think its worth it if you love your partner and also for your own peace of mind, it’s a horrible way to live, that feeling of fear that someone is cheating. Please stay in touch, you can message anytime and if any of what I have said makes sense have a look at the links I have posted. I wish you lots of luck. Much Love Lisa. x
THESE are Intrusive Thoughts! - YouTube
Hi @eufrasiiaa I’m sorry you’re having such trouble with trusting your partner. I have borderline personality disorder and this type of thing happens to me a lot with friends. It’s a fear of abandonment which causes distrust. I have something that I can teach you that might help lesson your fears. When you are fearing the worst make a list of all the facts that make your fears valid and then make a list of the facts that make your fears invalid. You said yourself that he has been amazing so far, that can be a fact that makes your fears invalid. After you’re finished, take a look at your lists and notice how you feel. Hopefully, your fears will go away. ~Mystrose
Welcome back to the community, eufrasiiaa! I’m sorry your dad’s cheating has instilled this fear of being lied to in you. That’s so rough.
I would put the doubt on hold until your boyfriend is over covid and ask him again if he would like to meet your family. If he comes up with an excuse at that point then maybe he is worried.
Maybe your boyfriend is nervous about meeting your whole family at once especially as it’s a big family. How long have you been dating? I feel like meeting family members can be nerve-wracking in a relationship and that’s just a few at a time.
If I were you and you want to know if he doesn’t want to meet your family then ask him if he feels nervous at all meeting them. Maybe he’s afraid to admit he is worried even if his covid is real.
Relationships are all about communication. I hope you feel like you can trust him enough to ask him if he is worried and I hope he trusts you enough to tell you the truth. Hopefully things go well for you two. Good luck talking to him and please come back and post anytime
Yes, I had lot trust issues towards people. It always feel like the whole world contributes to hurt me in many ways, including closest people like my family.
I did once in a toxic relationship during my teenager and I think it contributes to my trust-issues. And yes, I did many toxic treats to, including always seeking damn validation from my closest circle (espcecially my partner).
I’ve been spoken to professional before, and I took a psychopathometric test. My conselor suggested medication but at that times, as a student, I can’t afford the medicine. Do you think my condition’s severe enough that I need to start therapy+medication?
Hi, nice to meet you too, thanks for responding to my story.
- No, in fact, he’s quite excited to meet my big family at first.
- He got tested because he feels a bit unhealthy the day before, and he was afraid he’d infected one of my fam. Actually, I finally checked myself his result the day after I wrote this, and turned out he’s really positif. I feel bad, awful, and disgusted with myself for having a negative thoughts towards him
Yes, I think I really shoud see a professional for this. I’m at stage where my trust-issues affect my relationship to others. Thank you for you suggestion and all the kind words.
don’t beat yourself too much about it. I think it’s a big step for you to use logic and apply it to the situation. It sounds like you’re willing to learn from this and see how best it can be handled. That’s some solid progress. Do let us know how it goes for you, if you’re comfortable with sharing that with us of course!
Wishing you good things, friend!
Hi Lisa, thank you, I really appreciate your kind words and thank you for the link. It really helps me. Wish you lots of luck too!
Thank you for kind words and I’m sorry to hear about your BPD. Thank you for the suggestion, surely will try to do the list!
I’m so sorry people have hurt you so much! You don’t deserve that at all.
I hope your current partner is supportive of you. It must be so very hard for you dealing with this, but hopefully not alone.
I know sometimes people find it helpful to talk to professionals and develops coping skills that make life for them easier, but not everyone finds it helpful. It’s really up to you as I understand sometimes people find these things expensive.
It’s great that you’re being open and talking about it though, so we’ll done to you! How have you been going recently?
Thank you for response. I checked the result by myself and turned out he’s really positive. We’ve been dating only for 3 months, but he has no problem with meeting my parents so I thought he’s also okay with my big family. Recently I have asked him and turn out he has no problem with meeting my big fam. He also asks me to meet his… so all turns out to be only my fear.
Thank you once again!