Back again with another relationship post lol. This time, I found out my girlfriend doesn’t enjoy when I make sacrifices for her. Because she doesn’t want to hear about it later or feel like she owes me anything. She said she’d rather I tell her straight up when I don’t feel like doing something she wants to do, instead of hearing me complain about it later. But I’m pretty sure she’d be upset either way right? Like it’s a lose-lose battle from what I’m sensing.
Anyway, the problem is after me sacrificing so much, and not getting much gratitude or show of appreciation in the form of a sacrifice herself, well it can be exhausting when you don’t feel appreciated ya know? So eventually I’m going to speak up. Like today, I told her I had a chance to go see some friends, but I wasn’t sure because of the pandemic. And all I got was: " you know it’s not a good time for that". Well…at the very least, I’d appreciate if she cared about what I wanted to do by saying: “if it’s something you really want then go for it.” Ya know like showing full support. And this is all after I made a big sacrifice for her by attending a Halloween party with her so she could see her friends. So you see what I’m saying? I feel like the “give and take” isn’t there and that I’m making a ton of sacrifices with no return.
But at the same time, can 2 people have a relationship by doing 0 giving? Like according to her, she’d rather I just tell her exactly what I want all the time and not make any sacrifices. But…what kind of relationship would that be?? It makes me feel really…weird thinking about that. I would feel like I’m not actually loving her without making sacrifices. I could use all the advice I can get on this one.
I totally agree that you should just tell her how you feel, especially if you don’t want to do something with/for her. After all, trust means everything in a relationship and you should trust that she has your best interests at heart and therefore should trust that she wants to hear what will make you happy (or not) and act accordingly.
It wouldn’t upset me in most cases. Stop assuming.
I think you’re approaching this the wrong way. She doesn’t WANT you to sacrifice for her, according to what you’ve previously said. She wants you to be open about things you want to do, but you either are not, or you do those things anyway. That is your choice, and just because you choose to do things you would rather not do doesn’t mean she should have to. That wouldn’t be fair. This shouldn’t be a case of, I made myself uncomfortable for you so now you must make yourself uncomfortable for me. Being in a relationship, you shouldn’t expect to have to do things that make you uncomfortable and you certainly shouldn’t expect your partner to do that.
I mean… She’s not wrong.
This I can somewhat agree with. She should support you in what you want to do. At the same time, she is showing that she cares for your health during a pandemic which is tough love but still care. I love junk food but my husband doesn’t keep any in the house because I have high blood pressure naturally. It sucks because I like junk food, but I know he cares. Ya know?
Again, she has told you to tell her how you feel about these things rather than sacrifice. It was foolish if her to go to a party during a pandemic, admittedly, but did she absolutely insist that you go? And did you tell her you didn’t want to or that you thought it was a bad idea?
Stop then. Tell her if you don’t want to do something or if something makes you uncomfortable. Because clearly you feel as though you’re doing too much.
Ok. So this.
You cannot be in a successful relationship with both people giving zero effort. You can be roommates or friends with benefits but you absolutely cannot be in a healthy romantic relationship with both people showing zero effort. Also, relationships don’t require you to constantly be making sacrifices for your missus. She is telling you to talk to her so talk. She is telling you to stop overextending at her expense, so stop. And guess what? Not all females like to feel as though they are a damsel in distress that needs rescuing by way of constantly doing for her at the cost of your happiness. If it was my marriage and my husband, at this point I would probably grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he listened to me. She is literally telling you how to fix this, and it sounds like you’re more worried about being the hero than being a partner.
I’m sorry if that was blunt but it just seems so obvious. The answer is simple - communicate with your partner. And just as importantly, listen to her, don’t just hear her. You want to sacrifice less, she wants you to sacrifice less. It shouldn’t be this difficult. For the love of God please just talk to each other.
-ahem-
Now that that’s out of my system. I am not a relationship counselor but I have been happily married for 7 1/2 years so I think at least to some extent I know what I’m talking about.
Yes, you are doing too much, but you are doing it to yourself because she has told you not to do all that. Relationships need to have trust, honesty, communication and support. Without those things you have nothing. So I would advise working on those things immediately because if those aren’t worth the time and effort then you’re wasting your time in this relationship, plain and simple.
Thank you for response. I’d assume you’re right because it’s still my first relationship and I’m still learning. But can you blame me for finding it really hard to trust that she won’t be upset if I tell her “no” or “I’d rather not” ? I want to make her happy not unhappy. It’s just really difficult. But I’m gonna try to be better and speak up when I’d rather not do something.
No problem. We all have to learn at some point in time, we are not born knowing everything.
I think it’s normal to be scared of what the unknown, and in your case, you don’t know how she will react. At the same time, as I said before, your partner should want what’s best for you and you should be able to trust that she does. Also, you should feel safe enough to express yourself.
I understand. Your heart is in the right place, it just seems like your judgement might be clouded. Loving someone doesn’t exactly equate to ‘sacrificing comfort’ for someone. Loving someone means accepting someone unconditionally, regardless of flaws and being there for them in their time of need. Making them feel safe enough to be themselves and express their needs. Sacrifice does come with the territory, but Sacrifice is NOT the territory. It’s one of those fine line sort of deals. There will always be a time in a committed relationship where you will have to offer support when they need it, but it shouldn’t be constantly. That is a boundary you will have to play around with to find out where you are comfortable.