Maladaptive behaviors, and yet I miss them

I’m usually the one who helps. I give support, I love people, and I’m proud of that. Over the last few months I’ve even made a system to try taking care of myself too. But then there’s nights like this, where it’s 2am and I miss my addictions. I miss how they made me feel. I miss being able to depend on them. I’ve been clean for years, but I really want to give up, start over again later. I don’t feel like I belong. I think I’m enough. I’m insecure and lost, and just really lonely. I know I’m going to get through this. I just wish I didn’t have to

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@julesa first of all, thank you for sharing this. I’ve relied on self harm and prescription painkillers since I was 9 years old. With the help of the community I made it 35 days clean after using everyday for years. However I recently relapsed. I also started attending NA meetings about a month ago and after my relapse, with my sponsor I threw away all my pills. Next is my final blade. Once that’s gone everything I know is gone with it. I like you spend all of my love and energy helping others. Even though I’m not even 2 weeks clean I miss having the security of my addictions. You’re not alone - there are others here, not just me, who can understand and know more than anyone else what you’re feeling. If ever you need someone to talk too - I’m only a message a way… Fighting addiction alone, even after years clean is not impossible, but pretty damn close to. Keep reaching out. There are people who want to help you

Hold fast

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Hey @julesa,

Thank you for reaching out. It takes a strong person to open up to a bunch of strangers and I’m proud of you!

You’re not alone in your fight. Sobriety is a life-long journey, and you’re bound to have difficult days. When you have difficult days, focus on your victories instead of the possibility of relapsing. For example, you’ve made it [X] months of being sober, and you should be proud of yourself!

Keep speaking words of life over yourself like this. You’ll begin to believe anything you tell yourself. Keep telling yourself that you’re strong. That you’re a warrior. That you’ll get through this. Because you will.

Thank you for reaching. We’re here if you need us!


In times of struggle, it can be so easy to think that going back to an old comfort or behavior will help. But the reality is, it will only make it worse. I am proud of you for recognizing that you will get through this. Even if things are hard now. Keep holding on.

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I’m sorry I don’t have any real advice at the moment, but I can share my own experiences. I’ve been clean for nearly 8 years and I still struggle with it, almost daily… It sucks and it will keep sucking, but trust me, it does get better. You’ve probably heard it a thousand times already, but really, take it one day at a time. Every day is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of that!

At this very moment I would like nothing better than to fall back into my addiction, but I know (and so do you) that is not the answer. I also get the feeling of being able to rely and depend on other people, but I know from experience that will not last forever and it might cause you to lose people you care about.

I know it is incredibly rough, but giving in to your addiction will only make things harder.

I really hope you pull through, I believe in you!

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