Hey guys. I am here because of AILD’s Misery Evolving Video.Recently I almost threw my life in the ground but I have been trying to do things differently. I’ll try to sum up the significant parts of my life that are important and then talk about how I got to my rock bottom. My real dad signed away his rights before my birth so that I wouldn’t grow up in separate households. I was sexually abused by a friend at age 14. I then started struggling with an addiction to viewing pornography (to the point where I had to look at it in dangerous situations). I am formerly a Mormon. Tried to be Mormon to make my family happy but I wasn’t happy being a part of the Church. I ended up marrying a Brazilian and we have a daughter. Her and my mom don’t like each other. My parents have been very controlling of our relationship, especially with our daughter. This took such a toll on my marriage. It got to the point where we actually decided to move to Brazil because otherwise, our marriage would be over and international divorce is a bigger monster than normal divorce. During this time, I have struggled with a bipolar diagnosis. It has gotten really bad in Brazil. I used suicide threats to manipulate an outcome of a disagreement. I never had the courage to follow through with such acts but I have been extremely aggressive with objects, sometimes to the point where my own daughter is scared of me. I broke a computer out of anger. I have screamed at the top of my lungs in my wife’s face. One night I had to be locked in the room for their own safety. Thank God I have never been physical with my wife or daughter. Just with objects and sometimes myself but it scares them. I feel that when this happens, I am literally outside of my own body just watching myself as if I am watching a movie.
Now I am trying to be different. I have been making some progress. I have been trying to wake up and write down one thing that I am grateful for everyday. But I need to be on mood stabilizer medication for sure since I have a bipolar diagnosis. My moods go from 0-100 for the littlest shit possible, like the dishes aren’t done or something didn’t go the way I anticipated. The problem is that I am in Brazil. I love living here but the language can be tough and with my mental condition, I really need a psychiatrist that speaks english. I speak a little Portuguese but I really need an English psychiatrist so I can fully express myself and my symptoms. Any advice for me? I know its a little far-fetched but do any of you guys know of any international mental health platforms that financially reasonable since it takes 5 bills in my currency to match a dollar. Let me know. Thank you guys!