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MarkosModernLife Fan #6

Am I ever going to find someone that wants me for me and not play me? I keep thinking something is wrong with me when all these guys just use and play me. Where’s the guy for me? Is he out there?

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It is so brutal to feel hopelessly alone…that there’s no one who will ever understand, no one who will ever care, no one who will ever actually see YOU…when people use you for your body, it’s almost like you have a storefront, and customers come in and buy things and give you cash but never actually look in your eyes or talk to you, they just engage in the transaction and leave…and you can feel surrounded by people but utterly invisible, utterly insignificant, and ultimately alone. It is so hard to feel like you are desperate for love and attention but the way you are receiving it right now actually leaves you more hollow afterwards…it is a bittersweet atrophy because there is the hope – this time, this time I will be loved – and the let down is always more and more ache…not necessarily that it gets more painful because you’ve almost grown to expect it, but just that the wound is deeper and deeper so even if it doesn’t sting the same, it is a deeper, more soulcrushing ache because you’re losing hope, you’re losing resilience, you’re losing the belief that things will ever change, or that you are even lovable in the first place. So hard to be in that spot friend…I’m sorry things feel so hollow and hopeless right now. I believe that the question you’re asking makes complete sense – will this ever change? But I think it may be the wrong question. If you shift it just a tad, you may be able to get more out of it…What can I change? If there is a pattern in the type of guy that you’re attracting – the transactional type – then perhaps there’s something in your control that you can change. Maybe going to counseling could help figure this out…maybe going to some kind of recovery group for people who are codependent on others for their self-worth…maybe just taking up journaling could be helpful! Whatever it is, there are things in your control that might help you identify things that aren’t wrong with YOU but are wrong with the WAY you’re looking for love…and that could put a lot of power in your hands because having the ability to change actually gives you hope because there’s something you CAN do. Ultimately, I believe you are worthy of love, and you deserve making the effort to truly find it.

All the best.
-Nate

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Thank you so much for responding… I feel exactly how you described it. A store front, like they know what to do or say for me to just walk all over me and get what they want. Maybe I just need to be stronger and say no before I know I’m going to get hurt by them, I’ve gotten hurt so many times that I know how a guy acts when he just wants stuff and then leaves and doesn’t want the actual relationship part of it and I think to myself everytime, this guy is going to be different he’s not going to use me and he’s going to want and have a real connection with me and want to be with me but that NEVER happens… Will it ever? I feel like there isn’t a guy that doesn’t want just a relationship anymore they just wanna have “fun” or a friend’s with benefits but that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a real, true, honest, no games, relationship where there’s trust, respect, honest and we talk about everything 100%/100% where are those guys at??? Oh yeah those are the ones that don’t want a relationship yet or are gay it seems. No offense to anyone reading this… but again thank you so much NateTriesAgain for responding to this. Hope you have a great and happy day!

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Gemini, honestly, “just saying no” is kind of like telling an alcoholic – just stop drinking! There’s a reason that you say “yes”. And it’s because you want love. You’ve actually learned to associate “sex” in some ways with “love”…even though you know that it isn’t true, your brain still feels like it’s true. For instance, an alcoholic will drink to numb the pain of feeling inadequate. Likewise, you might say “yes” to having sex with someone to numb the pain of feeling alone. You’d rather have something than nothing, even if you know it’s unhealthy for you. Likewise, the alcoholic would rather feel nothing than feel something. It’s the same concept…your brain has learned a wrong way of thinking about sex and love, and it actually takes a process of renewing your mind, of recovering from physical changes to your brain, that damage and trauma in your past has caused you. In that sense, it’s not a “50-50 choice” between “yes to this guy” and “no to this guy”, because really you’re making a choice between “feel unloved and feel loved”, or so it feels. And in that sense, your brain has, over time, chosen the “feel loved” even if it means pain later, so many times that it’s not a 50-50 choice anymore, it’s more like 95-5 that you will say “yes” when you should really say “no”. That’s the reason why “just saying no” tends not to work. You actually have to learn a new way of thinking, learn a new way of seeing the situation, learn a new way of seeing YOURSELF and valuing YOURSELF. It’s not a “boy issue”, it’s an identity issue, a love issue. And when you have deeper healing, it will help you make better relationship choices.

Now, maybe you CAN just start saying “no” to the wrong guys…that would be amazing!! But there is still the issue of feeling like you are only worthy when you’re validated in a relationship. In that sense, if you were in a relationship, you would need that person to make you feel worthy, make you feel loved…and that’s where you can get into some unhealthy relationships when your entire self is wrapped upin someone else.

Perhaps my point is saying…healthy relationships take soul work to improve yourself and become a secure, wholehearted person. This problem with sex could be the motivation you need to start to do that work so that you are ready for the person that you’re looking for whenever they show up in your life. How amazing would that be!!

Hope this helps. Again, I want to reiterate – you are worth the effort of pursuing your heart, of finding the pain and healing it…you deserve good things!! I hope you choose to chase it! :slight_smile:

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What do you mean problem with sex? I never said I had a problem with sex. I have a problem with finding guys that all the want to do is get some and then they leave and I never hear from them again.

Perhaps replace “sex” with “get some” – whatever that looks like for you! Sex was intended to be a generalized word for the meaning of – they are coming to you to take some kind of sexual experience from you.