so im new to the whole concept of talking about personal problems… 33 years old and I have always just internalized problems and let things build up. I am not someone who cries ( not that its bad to cry!! ) but I turn my pain into anger and dwell on that and refuse to cry when its probably needed.
Ive been married for almost 10 years and we have never had kids ( not that we cant but just trying to be responsible adults and waiting so we can afford a good life for them) 2 years ago my wifes sister abandoned her newborn son due to heroin / methamphetamine addiction and is still living on the streets. last November she abandoned her newborn daughter as well.
We took over care and are in the legal process to adopt the children and we have taken them on as our own. I know how I feel about them and my heart has accepted them as our own. we do not care about different biological parents.
Yet I find myself having a hard time with everything. This now raises the issue of do we have our own kids at this point? given the legal system in California we are very concerned for the kids safety and the chance they will be taken away from us and given back to their drug addicted homeless mother who will absolutely not take care of them and put them in extreme physical and mental danger.
with all of these circumstances its causing intense tension between my wife and I. on top of this I am going through some weird medical issues starting back about 8 months. ive spent the last 2 years talking with my doctor about ADHD and was put on adderall which has helped in that regaurd but I am soo fatigued still and cant seem to find an answer. I just did a sleep study for potential sleep apnea and waiting results.
we had an argument yesterday about the kids safety and I completely broke down. idk if it was an anxiety attack but i was overwhelmed with everything. I locked myself in my room and where I would usually just get angry started crying. I couldnt stop it I feel like I am failing my wife as a husband becuase I cant help, I feel like im failing the kids because im never around and when I am im soo exhausted im just laying on the ground half asleep while our boy tries to get me to play with him. our daughter is still fairly easy since she is just learing to crawl but its hard.
I just dont know what to do. I try to be patient with my wife but everything is soo overwhelming for her and when she tries to rely in me for help I cant. I work atleast 4 days a week 10+ hours a day just to try and provide for everyone, Im going to school to get a bachelors degree in occupational health and safety so that I can try and make more money. my wife works 3 days a week and the kids stay with the grandparents during those times because we cant afford childcare but we “make to much” for government assistance. yet we struggle financially especially after taking on 2 kids.
Am I just not patient enough? im trying to do all that I can to help but its not enough. I feel like its going to ruin our marriage. If I cut back somewhere it hurts us in the long run but Im barely making it through as is if you can even call it that. work suffers , schooling suffers and family life suffers because im spread soo thin. I want to be the best at my job and that involves very detailed knowledge of laws / regulations and I know im short changing myself and my schooling and that drives me crazy.
there are so many uncontrollable factors that being someone who likes a structured life mainly because its easy to control and at that point I am the only person i can blame if I fail. I just dont know where to go or what to do from here. These kids are all I worry about and making sure they have a chance to succeed is what keeps me going but im quickly fading and it seems as though I will soon have nothing left to give if something doesnt change.