About a month ago I came back from deployment, my wife has been doing so much since I been Away on her own. Handling school, our child who was born while I was gone, my step kid. I been Trying to adjust and get into the rhythm of things, it’s been a learning struggle but I never give up and I’m constantly improving even if it’s minor things. Well my wife and I have been arguing a lot lately, her saying she always picking up what I slack on, things I forget I leave around. I’ve gotten better with it and honestly my wife slacks on things and also leaves things around but I don’t say anything cuz I dont Wanna start an argument or seem like I’m being petty. We communicate and I think I’m getting better, there are days where I have brain fart and forget something and she goes off on me. I feel Like no matter what I do, it’s never gonna be enough and I feel like an absolute failure of a husband.
Welcome to Heart Support, and thank you a lot for sharing this.
i can relate to the thing with the brain fart. i also forget things pretty easy and some things aren’t done
in time. when it comes to things like that, for some “little” things, stuff laying round, i try to build myself
some routines. that helped me a lot since my struggles went bigger, since i am overwhelmed with
everything in my life. it takes a lot of energy out of me, but it is worth the effort.
in the morning after i get up, i open all windows, do some push ups, then i go make pipi.
after i washed myself, put clothes on, brush my teeth, i do some push ups, get my food for the day, do
some more push ups before i leave to work. that helps me a lot. i do that every morning when i went out
when i come home and there is stuff laying around, first i open the windows in every room, get the stuff
up in every room and calm down for a few minutes. maybe with a coffee or water. before i do other things.
you can build something like that up to, after you have done that for some time, you will notice that the
things you will automatically.
you said that you communicate, which is very important in a relationship. that is very good.
my friend, you talk, you try you are doing so good. your handling school and your child. you can do that,
i think you will do good. be proud of yourself so far, you will be even prouder when you proceed forward.
we are so happy to have you here, we are proud of what you have done so far, that you try ! .
You are absolutely no failure, you are a loving husband that tries to be the best every day, give yourself the
time to be a better of yourself and you will notice that the more you will progress, the more you will achieve.
do one step at a time, small things matter most. you are worth it and you matter.
Feel hugged, we are here for you anytime you need someone.
So turn, and face the sun now my Friend.
Welcome to heart support, I am by no means anywhere near knowledgeable about marriage, but I guess we all learn that in relationships we have to find a balance of communication. The give and take. The what you let go of and what to address. So on.
I’m sure being away has affected you both in different ways and maybe having the perspective of how it has would help you both? Perhaps having a chance to talk to a couples counsellor would give you both a safe space to talk, be heard and learn how to take action in a healthy way. Neither of you sound like you’re wanting to hurt the other and neither of you sound like you’ve had an easy ride. You both do deserve support. Hope things are feeling easier for you both.
Hi Friend, welcome to Heart Support and thank you for posting. I’m sorry that you’ve come home from deployment to a situation like this. I think that maybe your wife is used to doing everything on her own and is nit picking because you’re not doing it like she does. She could also feel some unintentional resentment towards you as well because you weren’t there to help. She might not even realize. Have you thought about going to couple’s therapy? It might help you to get back on track, it’s prob very hard to pick your life again after being away for a long time. Take care! ~Mystrose
You show you are not a failure of a husband if you have concern about all this. And you are not failing to forget things; trust me; I do ALL the time!
Seems as though you have both been doing plenty. However, it has been physically separate due to circumstances) and now all need to adjust to physical proximity. I can imagine that would take more than a month. If you are comfortable; have you tried reaching out to VA? I can only suspect that this might actually be an adjustment many face.
Hi Friend, Welcome to HeartSupport, Its nice to meet you. Thank you for your service by the way. I am sorry you have been feeling like this at a time really when you were probably hoping to come home to excitement, joy and some fun family time. I can certainly see both sides of this and I think you are both in a difficult situation just like all of your colleagues, its like living 2 separate lives, you deploy and you wife lives the life of a single parent and then you return and you both live as a family and that cannot be easy for either of you, going from having a home to yourself, keeping as you want and doing things your way every day and then having another person there (no matter how much you love them) can be incredibly annoying as im sure it can be for you too after being away. I think its just going to be a matter of time and patience and if not maybe couples therapy could be an idea, please also bare in mind that after child birth hormones play a massive part in how a woman feels. I wish you lots of luck and many happy years with your growing family. Much Love Lisa. x
welcome to the heartsupport community! i appreciate you being here and being willing to share what you’re going through. congratulations on y’all’s new child! i can only imagine the stress that puts on the both of you as well as handling school. usually with those minor things that turn into arguments, the root cause for the fight isn’t the socks you forgot to pick up. most of the time it’s a bigger issue weighing on someone, such as financial burdens, raising a child, work problems, etc… i wonder if you sat down with her and ask what chores or childcare tasks she can delegate to you so things feel more balanced in her eyes?
i love that y’all communicate and support one another, azrael. a child deserves a mutual partnership between parents and i know that y’all will raise this child to be an amazing human being. in the meantime, please know that you are not a failure. you are trying your best and it’s understandable that some days are total brainfarts like you said. heck, you just got off of deployment! so be easy on yourself, keep that line of transparent communication open with your wife, and keep moving forward so you can raise your family up to new heights. you got this, azrael!
I am very glad that you made it home from deployment safely. And that you have a healthy newborn to return home to!
It sounds like mom may have had her hands full while you were deployed. I’d guess she learned how to manage two children on her own, and put in place her own systems. She also learned how to deal with the stress of being a mom of two without her husband around, which I can’t imagine is easy, by any means. You both learned what you needed to do to get the job done while you were apart.
Now you are back together, and only for a few weeks. Both of you are re-adjusting to a new situation and environment, where you both need to figure out the new normal. Who does what? How is each thing done? How do you agree upon how things are done? These may seem like small/easy questions, but finding the answer that works for both of you, and is the best for the kids, isn’t straight forward. It will take time and a LOT of communication between you two, to figure out your new routine.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Don’t be afraid to ask about a marriage or life counselor on this. I’m rooting for you two/four!
hi there Azrael,
so glad to see your post!
Sounds like you and your wife have had a mountain of readjustment to do since you came back (hope you are well, and in a good space mentally and emotionally from that too!). She’s been carrying the squad by herself for so long, it must be a bit weird to re-incorporate another pain of hands into the mix. I love that you say you’re not giving up.
Would making a schedule or roster of tasks and activities help you both out? So that each knows clearly what major and minor tasks have to be done, what’s most pressing, and a fun little reminder for the tiny stuff that makes life easier (pass a toy, pick it up, put into the storage for toys; cat or dog kicked over a plant, sweep up the dirt when you see it, etc). And keep communicating. You’re both on the same team, talk abot your feelings and respect each other to know that they are valid, and see how to manage and work through them. And we’re here, please always share your feelings here, we’re here to support you.
Hello, Azrael, and welcome to HeartSupport! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I feel like an adjustment period is definitely normal when combing two separate lives back into one cohesive one and it will definitely take some time and effort from you both to make it work. It sounds like you’ve both had busy lives away from each other. Would you be able to find an evening where you could get a babysitter or even have the kids cared for at a friend or family’s house so that you and your wife can have an evening alone to talk and reconnect?
A night out is always good, but I’m thinking if you were able to do a night in where you order some food (or cook together if that’s something you both enjoy) and where you could talk about the chores and things around the house with examples right there may be better. Call it a safe night where you can both openly talk about things that are bothering you or that each of you are struggling with during this readjustment. Make a rule that if things begin to get heated you stop and watch an episode of a favourite show, part of a movie, a comedian you both like, something light that lightens the mood until you both calm down and can discuss things again. Have you seen How I Met Your Mother? Like Lily and Marshall’s “break” they do with fights. I’ve always thought that was such a smart technique for a relationship.
I just think that whatever you do to help you both find some peace and harmony again combining your lives back together that you both need to be able to communicate and feel safe with what you are feeling and want to say or ask each other for. You are a unit. Partners. Squadmates. Companions. Good luck to you both and if you ever want to talk about things, we are always here for you.
Coming back from a deployment to a running home that has its own routine is hard for you and it’s probably hard for your wife as well. Disruption causes a lot of friction on its own and it really sounds like tensions are just high in general. Are y’all in couples therapy? Are you in individual therapy? Be sure to use the resources available to help everyone adjust! It might also be helpful to communicate very consciously with your wife every day to tell her things you appreciate and are thankful for as an exercise to build up some grace between you. The truth in love exercise is one that really does wonders for all members of the family in times of conflict also (but not every day, that would be way too much). Hang in there, and truly just be sure to communicate openly, frequently, honestly and kindly!