Maryland metal head here

Hi All,

New guy here from MD and I wanted to introduce myself. I happened to stumble upon heartsupport a while back and love what it stand for as it ties my love for metal music to other issues that are near and dear to my heart. Ironically, I’m also originally from Lancaster, PA where the members of August Burns Red hail from as a random aside here.

This is different for me sharing my internal struggles and demons to a large community outside of those close to me. To keep this concise I struggle with binge drinking (have had the issue off and on since college) and a vexing porn addiction both with images and sex games (ex: Sims 4, which I play has entirely separate modifications that can be made to it transforming it into a sex game - Google WickedWhims if you want to see what I mean). Video porn is not my thing. Mental health wise I suffer from GAD and some form of ADD. I am being treated for both via therapy and medication through my psychiatrist (both female providers I see are phenomenal). I also actually am active in my church and its youth group. I’m posting here, because the binge drinking and porn addiction are both affecting my life tremendously. I just married my beautiful wife on May 5th (gotta love the Cinco de Mayo anniversary now lol) and she has been immensely supportive of me throughout everything. Unfortunately, a month or so after our wedding I lost my job as a healthcare IT application analyst due to lack of sustained performance (it was a long culmination of a lot of little things and the hole I had dug for myself was far too deep to claw out of). Both the stress of the job loss and job hunting combined with my already existing issues with drinking and porn have made things really hard as of late.

When I get drunk I am a complete dick to my wife and have even gone as far to tell her I want a divorce when I’ve been drunk. Secondly, I know my porn addiction has shot my sex life to heck and rendered me numb to my wife’s emotions and needs at times. I definitely feel really stuck and down a lot as I have yo-yoed up and down with these two things for so long. Now coupled with the constant fighting with my wife the past week and trying to keep myself motivated with the job hunt I do feel like a failure at times. I also feel like a complete schmuck for how I treat my wife when I drink and the increased intensity of my reactions to her over the stupidest crap. Yes, I am trying, but gosh darnit I sure do feel increasingly stuck and with no direction more often than not as of late. Glad to meet you all.

Rock on,
Evan/The Crazytrain

Hey @crazytrain116,

Thank you for reaching out and letting us know what you’re struggling with; I’m sure it wasn’t easy and we’re proud of you for taking that step.

I, too, suffer from GAD and I know how debilitating it can be. I’m sure that some of your drinking is attributed to taking the edge off of your anxiety. In fact, it sounds like most of your addictions are actually symptoms of a deeper seeded issue (perhaps your GAD). I believe that once you address and deal with your deep-seeded issue, then the symptoms may relieve themselves. In the meantime, have you checked out AA meetings for your alcoholism? Have you talked to your wife or mentor to keep you accountable with what you view on the internet?

You’re strong. We believe in you!!

-Eric

@Eric

I’ve discussed the aspect of alcoholism with my therapist extensively and she has labelled my drinking more as binge drinking instead of alcoholism. I am well aware though that alcoholism and alcohol abuse runs on my dad’s side of the family mainly with his extended family. As far as AA goes, I’ve looked into it and it is not for me as it is an all or nothing approach. I’ve looked into the Smart Recovery, which I think fits my needs much better than AA (not to say AA is bad at all). As far as accountability with the internet, I do not have a mentor with this and it is something I am highly uncomfortable talking with my wife about as it is an embarrassing subject for me. The deeper seeded issue with the GAD is something I’ve explored and I think it stems from more than just one thing. Appreciate the kind words and input nevertheless my friend!

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Hey man, read your post and just wanted to say we are all here for you. Life is a struggle and it sounds like you are knee-deep in them. Thank you for sharing, I will pray for you :slight_smile:

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