Hello. I put a trigger warning because I describe behaviors in some detail that would be massively triggering for me, so please consider to not read it.
I am very much caught up in my eating disorder. It makes up 99.9% of my life. It determines my life, what I do, where I can go. It dominates my thoughts. I try not to get on the scale in the morning so that I am not triggered already then. I try not to look in the mirror when showering. I don’t purge everything I eat. When I follow the rules (no sugar, no processed food, no flour etc.), it’s okay. Even the amount is not heavily restricted. Sometimes the cravings are already there in the morning, sometimes I even dream about binges. The pressure builds up towards the afternoon. I usually plan for it cause I don’t manage to resist it. I have massive binge/purge sessions, drink water and purge some more. It’s overall >50 times per session, followed by compulsive cleaning of bathroom and apartment. It takes hours. Afterwards, I could start all over again. I am looking forward to the next day to go for it again. I am disgusted of how fat I am, sometimes there is some other self-harming behavior, though never to an extent that requires going to see a doctor. It is so out of control.
It’s impossible to do things or plan something in the 2nd half of the day cause I won’t have finished in time. On rare occasions I manage to go one day without it. I don’t even know what kind of advice I’m looking for. I’ve been stuck with this for years and nothing’s changing.
I just want you to know that you are valued and loved. I can’t claim to know the extent of how you’re feeling or thinking, I did struggle a bit for a while, but not to the same degree.
I do know how that mindset is so hard to break and how cruel it is when it taunts you and tells you that you’re not good enough.
You are enough though, I promise you.
I do think at this point that professional help would be key, especially since it’s been going on for so long and knowing how hard it is to try to get out of the mindset. It still haunts me from time to time.
I think a big thing that helped me was to stop labelling food. Good or bad or off limits. But again that took some time to be able to do that.
You do deserve help and you deserve to feel good about yourself, proud of yourself. You deserve to love yourself and be loved.
hey mze, thank you for joining the heartsupport community and posting this. you help others going through a similar journey as you not feel as alone, knowing that someone is also struggling with an eating disorder, acknowledging you’re stuck and wanting out to some extent. you’re incredibly brave and while i may not have personal experience with ED, i do know that i want so badly for you to know how loved and valued you are… and to also know i believe in you to overcome this, to reclaim your life and not feel like you lose your days purging/binging. i agree with bimini in that professional help to give you solid techniques and methods to ease out of these behaviors safely and smoothly is going to be the best thing you can do for yourself. you’ll not only be saving yourself in the now but also preserving your future, allowing yourself that 2nd half of the day to make plans and make the most out of your gift of life. i’m here always for you if you need help identifying professional help or need support (my @ is twixremix on here too!). you are far from alone in this, my friend, and you’re going to be okay. i believe in you fully and your heartsupport community is here with you always. love, twix
Welcome to the community mze and thank you for sharing with us!
I truly cannot imagine what you are going through but I am so heartbroken reading your story. You matter. You do. Not your weight or your appearance or any of the things you think about yourself that are causing you have this eating disorder.
You say that it isn’t bad enough to see a doctor but you are wrong. Every time we vomit regardless of whether it is because of illness or on purpose we are damaging our bodies. The acid in your stomach is not meant to leave it. It damages your esophagus and your teeth. I’m not trying to scare you but there is a real possibility of long term damage to you physically.
I’m guessing at least one of the reasons you want to lose weight is to be healthier, right? But if you lose weight in an unhealthy way then you are exchanging one kind of unhealthy for another. Please talk to a doctor so that you can get help being healthy in every way.
I may just be a stranger online but I care about you. Please stop hurting yourself. Please get some help and find a way to truly take care of yourself so that you stop dreaming about your eating disorder. And please come back to the forum and continue to update us on your life and your journey. We want to hear about it and support you in any way we can. Stay strong and good luck