I have one friend I open up to. None of my other ones know about how I’m doing mentally. It’s a trainwreck. Main thing being suicide. He talks to me almost every other day and promises me it’s what he wants but I just found messages and hes scared. When I open up it makes him worried and hes not sure what to do. I go to him with every small problem and hes freeking out. If I knew I would never ever done that kind of stuff. I opened up but I may have ruined him. Were both young, 14, and he recently told me that if I killed myself he would kill himself and he spends his days sometimes just crying for me. I believe him it’s not like hes lieing. I m suicidal i want to kill myself and I dont know how hes taking it.
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Hey @Chicken_noooodle,
Thank you so much for being here. 
It sounds that you have a really awesome friend right there who genuinely care about you and is not afraid to say it. On your end, it’s also really good that you decided to open up about your suicidal thoughts, and I want you to know that it doesn’t make you toxic, as an individual. You are struggling, and a healthy decision when we struggle is to talk, to open up, so we can receive the support we need.
Though as you said: you are both young. And even as adults, knowing that someone we love is considering suicide can be a very distressing knowledge. It can create a huge sense of responsibility in someone’s heart and be overwhelming in the long run. It’s not your fault. It’s just that this is a heavy subject and we need sometimes to find the right places where we can talk about it, and this place is not always our friends or people who are the closest to us.
Clearly, at the moment, your friend can’t be that person who would listen to you about this specifically. Even if he’s willing to listen, he also needs to take care of himself and learn to regulate his emotions. I’m sure you both don’t want to create a dangerous spiral where a lot of heavy and intense emotions are involved, so it will be important to change that dynamic.
As said before, you made a first step by talking about it. Now might be the time to reach out to someone else, an adult preferably, who could support you in a way that would be more effective and not distressing for anyone. I’d like to encourage you to talk to a parent you trust, or a teacher or a school counselor, but to consider the possibility to talk about it to someone older who would have the means to listen and support you. That way, your friend could feel a relief and you could both try to enjoy your friendship in a different way.
It’s really, really awesome to have friends who are willing to be there for each other, but sometimes we also have to admit that we can’t be that person for someone else, and we need a third party to lend a hand. I strongly encourage you to not stay just the two of you with this “secret”. It’s really important to talk about it to an adult now, for both of you. There is absolutely no shame, fear or guilt to have for that. You didn’t do anything wrong and you are not at fault for struggling. Just like you shared about it to your friend, it is okay to talk about it to an adult you trust or would be equipped to listen.
I’m sending hugs your way. 
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