Feelings of never being good enough has always been a stable of mine. I’m feeling as though there is nothing I can do to get out of my slump. I have dealt with depression my whole life but its way over the edge. I have a failed marriage , alot of insecurities , and over all no motivation to do anything. I have a good job , good money , been there close to 10 years now. I’m not really sure if this site will help with my struggles but I seen the other post and relate so much. I feel I have no talent in anything I do , have false storytelling about myself, and I’m always “happy” and “positive” around people. I am loved by my co workers , I’m a restaurant manager and do keep my composure most of the time but sometimes I snap in frustration and I don’t know why. I just become a complete prick to everyone I’m around. Today I yelled at crew line workers and told them I’m about to get fired for the way they are acting and they need to shut the f*** up. The problem. It wasnt true. They were doing really well , and I was not mad or anything , it just came out , I wasn’t thinking. Upset everyone when I wasnt trying to. Makes no sense other then me bottling up my emotions them exploding for no reason. Yes I’ve seen therapist , it hasn’t work. I tell people random stories that aren’t true about myself. For in stance voice impressions. I like to do impressions for fun. I tell people I do stand up and I’ve opened up for a celebrity here in town. Its not true but I guess I just want people to think I’m better than what I am. In relationships , I tend to be controlling. My ex wife really messed me up there. I have a hard time trusting. I tell people I get seizures while driving so I don’t drive. I don’t have my license and I’m 26 years old. My family looks down on me for not having my license. Not in a negative way but I’m a very disappointed way. It makes me feel like absolute devastated. My hours at work are 48 per week on salary but I work more like 55 a week not getting payed for the extra 7. My hours are ridiculous too , working until 2am on saturday night then coming Sunday and working 8am - midnight. Then coming back Monday morning 11am - midnight. Its rough. I have asked for my hours to be changed. I have talked to my bosses/owner about my depression , that’s very hard that is for me to do but I did. They just told me they want to keep me and grow with me but the performance I’m putting out sucks right now and moved on. They don’t Care. My friends don’t want to talk to me when I need someone so I feel so alone. They only want to talk to me when there is something fun going on. Gaming marathon or movies or something like that. We go to restaurants too. Long story short , I feel completely worthless , used , unmotivated , depressed , fat , alone , bored with life , and just overwhelmed in life with everything. I don’t see me being alive for very long , I have been having a massive amount of suicidal thoughts then normal. Please help.
Your bosses need to take your request seriously. They want to keep you working there which is great, clearly you have done a good job at least before! I think we humans need to put our health first, that also means mental health. You should get your working hours less tiring. You end up being burnout if this keeps on. If you really are valued in work they should show it to you by trying to easen up the work hours. Say it again, say that you feel tired and sad, but want to keep working. Say that you need help, and they can help by changing the work time.
It sounds good that you get good pay. Money doesn’t make you happy but constantly counting pennies is very stressing. With money, the world is is more open to you! Take time for yourself. Travel somewhere where you think you could relax! Walking in nature helps many people too. Those friends, it sounds to me that they don’t know how to help and are afraid. That’s why they only come to party or have fun. Or maybe they are just aholes, not sure. Could you talk to them? Say that you would appreciate if you hang out more in peacuful activities. Like have coffee in a coffee shop and just talk etc? Say that you would like everyone in your group to be more open and honest about bad feelings too?
And being licenseless isn’t wrong. Think about it this way:you probably need to use public transport, and that is ecological! You can get drivers license later in life if you yourself feel the need to.
What do you enjoy? When do you feel at ease? For example, I like beautiful things, so I like to walk in forests, or watch the sunsets, and take pictures and watch those sceneries later. I also like games and drawing. Try different things and observe your feelings ; what makes you feel better or at least less shitty.
I don’t know if you are really fat by weight index, but I can tell you something. It does not define your worth. People make a big deal out of it, are being asholes about it, but it’s not your problem.
One more thing. I don’t approve that behaviour, but it’s good that tou recognise that it’s wrong. You are thoughtful or others which is a great quality!
But please do not hurt yourself. Voice your thoughts louder, so that you will be heard. Tell about those feelings.
https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines in case you need
Your job seems to occupy a very important space in your daily life, in terms of the time and energy you devote to it. But you also need to take care of yourself, especially right now. Your work schedules are extremely exhausting and, in addition, you aren’t paid for your extra hours, which is absolutely not normal. So, I know that work occupies an important place in life, but really, there’s no work on this Earth that deserves you to ruin your health. Your bosses should have heard your request. It was completely justified. The fact that they expect you to be effective is normal. But on the other hand, they are wrong by not taking much into account your request, which is serious and urgent. Do you think it would be possible to see with your doctor if he could influence the setting up of some reasonable arrangements at your workplace? (and if that’s what you’d want, of course)
Tiredness (mental and physical), in the first place, plays a major role in depression. I can only assume that, right now, your weekly schedule doesn’t allow you to have much rest, moments when you could take care of yourself or do things you appreciate. But right now you need time for yourself. Do you have hobbies or activites you appreciate outside work?
Know that you are good enough. You are precious, you are not worthless and you are valuable. These are only circonstances that doesn’t help you to see that for the moment.
Also I don’t how things will be in the future, but it may be worth it to consider a way out to a new job if the situation doesn’t improve. This kind of transition is tricky and you have to be able to consider all the possibilities in order to stay safe, but know that what you’re experiencing right now is not a dead end.
Also, as you mentioned the fact that sometimes you were a “complete prick for everyone”, I wanted to say that when you face stressful situations like this, it’s normal to have a hard time controlling your reactions. You don’t want to be like that. And I have no doubt that this doesn’t correspond to who you truly are. You remain a human being. You have the right not to be well, you have the right not to keep a smile on your face if you don’t want to. Know that here, nobody will ever judge you and you can share what you want, as much as you need. You don’t need to wear any mask. And I thank you for this post. For being honest and vulnerable with us. It takes a lot of courage to do that.
Friend, I don’t want you to harm yourself in any ways. If you need to, don’t hesitate to reach a crisis line to talk about your suicidal thoughts. There’s no shame to do that and it can be helpful to get some additional relief when you feel overwhelmed. Here are some additional resources for USA in case you’re living there:
Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741
Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255
National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
Take care, friend. You matter.