Me and what I feel is wrong

[Ryan1]

We’re do I begin…I feel so up and down and coming to the realization of I am a alcoholic,mind altering addict,affection thief…being 10 days sober and dealing with myself has become so hard.feeling deja Vu,creep upon me,I suddenly remember why I am here today and becoming stronger to withhold temptation and begin my journey to have serenity.plz help me figure this out.i can’t do this alone.

[Rick]

Hey @Ryan1, welcome to Heart Support!

I appreciate you coming here to share all of this. As far as beginnings go, I think this is a very good one. There are many things that we should never have to do alone, and going through something as complex and difficult as what you are right now is certainly one of them. When you come here you’ll find a community of people working through their own hard times, all at different points along the road, who will listen and understand without judgment. We’ve got you.

I see some of the ways you’re referring to yourself and I can’t help but think that they’re a bit harsh. ‘Affection thief’ sounds particularly scathing, it’s really got to hurt to see yourself like that. I just want to check in and remind you that there is so, so much to you, it wouldn’t be possible to put you as a whole into words like this. The painting of your life is adorned with many colours, just like you’ve been through and done many things. There’s so much to see, how you view it really depends on your perspective more than anything. From my perspective, I see someone already on the path to recovery who’s looking inwards so they can grow and make things right. I see a lot of strength in you coming here for help. A lot of positives are here.

I can say from experience that addiction doesn’t emerge out of nowhere and it can rapidly make us into people who we never wanted to become. That doesn’t mean that’s who we are, it’s just one more thing that we’re working through. To be 10 days sober is incredible! I know it’s hard, but every day, every hour, minute, second, that you push through is a great victory. You’re saving yourself right now and that’s something to be proud of.

I can completely understand the mood swings that come with an effort like this. You’re actively fighting against a brain and body that don’t like to change, that are trying to force you back to the status quo even though that wouldn’t be good for them. This is a rough thing to go through, for sure. Where possible, it’s good in the particularly hard times to be able to get other things on your mind. For me that meant blasting music, putting on a show I liked, pacing around, anything that served as an okay distraction while my brain settled. These feelings shall pass, none of it is forever. You just have to outlast them.

On the other hand I think it’s great to share these things when we feel the need to. You’ve already made a great step in this regard with this opening post. If you feel comfortable, do you want to talk more about what your moods have been like or what you’ve been thinking about and doing these past few days? You could tell us about your history up to this point or what your journey to serenity looks like and how it’s going. Anything that feels like the right thing to share is the right thing.

We’re here for you, you’re not going through this alone. Thank you again for sharing! I’ll be here to talk if you want. Stand strong, friend.

[Ryan1]

@Rick …I can’t explain what u have said that I keep hearing since something decided to land me in those rooms to show me the is a answer.reading what u said and …it’s almost like u hit every chord leading to a breakdown,and processing what u said …is what I needed just for today.thank so much and maybe I should start from the beginning.much love and thank u

[Rick]

I’m sending all of my love, friend! I really see you. When you’re ready to talk more we’ll be right here. We’ve got you. Be extra kind to yourself today for me.

[Wings]

With each day you abstain from alcohol, your ability to ability to remain sober increases. It’s time for you to appreciate your own efforts. Congratulate yourself, not only on remaining sober, but in looking within and your willingness to be honest with yourself. Some of that honesty has taken the form of raw emotion, which is why you have thought of yourself as an “affection thief.” Everyone needs affection. Not everyone gets it. If you’re craving affection, I suspect it has something to do with not having received enough, at some point in your past. Sometimes it’s necessary to accept that a craving for affection exists, even when it’s not available.

Rick alluded to something I’d like to reinforce. He found blasting music to be a useful diversion. Stopping a negative habit leaves a void. It’s like, “what can I do with my time, now that I’m not drinking?” I used cross country skiing to fill my void. I also used exercise, carpentry, computer building, picking up broken things off the side of the road and fixing them up. Incredibly, dropping that one harmful habit can open up a universe of possibilities for you.

Now is the time to reward yourself by doing something that makes you happy. You are a good person who, due to an unfortunate DNA mediated tendency, had to find a way to get past addictions. Here you are, on the way to a much more fulfilling life. Again, congratulations!