Meh day :/

[echo]

i guess today wasn’t terrible from an outside pov but it felt really shitty. the brownies i made actually tasted like normal brownies and were good and weren’t dry or anything but nobody would eat them unless i guided them over and told them to. i went over to my brothers house. their friends were there, a family of three. i’ve known them most of my life and they’re always there every holiday whenever we go over there. i just wanted one day where we got to spend time with just our actual family. it pissed me off. everyone went into groups. all of the dads gathered and then the moms and my niece and her friend from the family friends. my other niece and i were the ones alone and we talked occasionally because we both are interested in anime and video games and i was helping her set up something. i gave her my crunchyroll login so she could watch a bunch of stuff since she was only using netflix and she uses it so i’m happy about that. she was mainly on her nintendo switch playing games with her friend though. there was a puppy! an 11 week old boxer from the family friends. i played with him a lot and let him nibble on my fingers that was fun. i helped make dinner which was good and then i kind of just sat there. my oldest niece and brother both cried when we gave them their gifts. it was a necklace and a ring with my moms ashes in it. i got over the family friends being there because they had a puppy and made good food but i still just felt really isolated. i wanted to cry most of the time. then the brownies, which nobody was eating. i left one tin for my brother since he started eating some when we were leaving. i just wanted people to enjoy them though and when they didn’t it just felt really shitty… also with the gifts. i know nobody had to but i didn’t really receive any thanks so i was a little bummed about that but i guess it was kind of selfish to want to receive thanks for something i was giving them anyways. it’s not like they asked for it. it’s just the isolation and feeling so alone that is getting to me. i hate groups of people… especially when i know i won’t belong anywhere in them, which is most every group. i don’t know man. i just feel like crying today

oh i also snapped at my dad because i was already feeling upset and he told me i couldn’t wash a stuffed animal because it would ruin it and i was upset because i hate things not being washed from stores so i ended up snapping at him and almost crying then too. i feel bad about it.

[Wings]

It sounds like you did well with the situation you found yourself in. I think you might be a bit like me, introverted, and not crazy about having a bunch of people around, but at the same time don’t want to feel isolated. I suspect that all the brownies were eaten and appreciated eventually. When there is a lot of talking, snacking, and wandering around in a large gathering, a lot of people are too distracted to remember to say thank you.

I tend to get pretty quiet, perhaps talking to one or two people only, when I met a party. I have come to accept that because I am shy, I am often overlooked. Actually, I am quite comfortable being just about invisible when in a large group of people.

The feeling of not belonging often occurs when a person has a unique perspective on life. Ideally, you will eventually find friends who can relate to that feeling of not belonging, because they also feel the same way. People who stand apart from the crowd, tend to grow in wisdom at a much faster rate than those who “fit in.” Those who fit in often feel trapped by the expectations of others, as failing to meet them, will make them feel as they no longer fit in. Therefore, I have to say there is more personal, intellectual, and spiritual freedom available to a person who doesn’t worry about fitting in.

Not fitting in is a mixed blessing. Not fitting in and freedom are two sides of the same coin.

If you put a few drops of laundry soap in a bucket, then dip a washcloth in it and ring it out, you can wipe down a stuffed animal, and it will do a pretty good job of cleaning it.

Are you talking to a counselor or therapist?

[Micro]

Hey @echo,

It sounds like Christmas was pretty heavy, indeed. Honestly, I have a hard time with groups too. As I am socially anxious and pretty introverted, if there isn’t only people I feel 10000% safe with, which is… 4 people on this planet, then I tend to shut down and feel like I don’t belong. There’s all these people smiling but I am here ruminating and any micro event will be seen as the validation of how I feel - just like for you with your brownies, the gifts and the fact that you were all in some kind of separate group. In a group of friends, I’d be the one who doesn’t talk much and would disappear to cuddle the pets of the house. When people know us and how we are, they don’t mind at all and understand that, somehow, it is our way to “fit in” at the moment.

There are of course objective reasons for what may have caused your family to not eat what you have prepared, etc., reasons that are not related to you personally nor the affection they have for you. You know that already. But I understand that, when we feel this knot in our stomach, when we feel isolated and disconnected from the rest of the group, it’s hard to find the possibility to hang on to the wagon again.

I hope that, despite all of this, you’ve managed to find some times of joy and simple peace.

On a different note, Wings is totally right: delicate stuffed animals can generally be washed with hands and soap. You would need just a little dose of soap as the quantity of water would be small. First washing with soap, then rinsing with clear water.

Sending hugs to you.