i guess today wasn’t terrible from an outside pov but it felt really shitty. the brownies i made actually tasted like normal brownies and were good and weren’t dry or anything but nobody would eat them unless i guided them over and told them to. i went over to my brothers house. their friends were there, a family of three. i’ve known them most of my life and they’re always there every holiday whenever we go over there. i just wanted one day where we got to spend time with just our actual family. it pissed me off. everyone went into groups. all of the dads gathered and then the moms and my niece and her friend from the family friends. my other niece and i were the ones alone and we talked occasionally because we both are interested in anime and video games and i was helping her set up something. i gave her my crunchyroll login so she could watch a bunch of stuff since she was only using netflix and she uses it so i’m happy about that. she was mainly on her nintendo switch playing games with her friend though. there was a puppy! an 11 week old boxer from the family friends. i played with him a lot and let him nibble on my fingers that was fun. i helped make dinner which was good and then i kind of just sat there. my oldest niece and brother both cried when we gave them their gifts. it was a necklace and a ring with my moms ashes in it. i got over the family friends being there because they had a puppy and made good food but i still just felt really isolated. i wanted to cry most of the time. then the brownies, which nobody was eating. i left one tin for my brother since he started eating some when we were leaving. i just wanted people to enjoy them though and when they didn’t it just felt really shitty… also with the gifts. i know nobody had to but i didn’t really receive any thanks so i was a little bummed about that but i guess it was kind of selfish to want to receive thanks for something i was giving them anyways. it’s not like they asked for it. it’s just the isolation and feeling so alone that is getting to me. i hate groups of people… especially when i know i won’t belong anywhere in them, which is most every group. i don’t know man. i just feel like crying today
oh i also snapped at my dad because i was already feeling upset and he told me i couldn’t wash a stuffed animal because it would ruin it and i was upset because i hate things not being washed from stores so i ended up snapping at him and almost crying then too. i feel bad about it.