I think I have melancholic depression. But I’m too much of a burden to ask my mom. I don’t want her to waste any more money on me. But I just want to try to eat again. I just want to feel something again. I don’t want to think about suicide again. Then again, self-diagnosing is something, but that makes me feel pathetic. Wow, a (my age) year-old wanting to commit suicide? They haven’t even felt the hardships in life. They’ll be fine.
Is something I tell myself. But that just makes me feel numb again. I always try to play/watch something to make me feel better but I can’t even feel happy. I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of pretending that I’m this happy little girl that only exists to make her family proud.
My grades are falling and there’s no avoiding I’m gonna restart my grade. Bad thing is that if I do, I’m gonna be taught by the worst teacher in the district. I think how pathetic I am if I’m just gonna cut my life short just because of a grade restart. But what’s the point, I can’t even concentrate in school anymore, so I can’t even learn anything. So I’ll just attempt to commit the day before I restart.
I keep telling myself, ‘you can do it,’ ‘you will pass through this’, but those are just lies. The worst thing I can do is to give myself false hope.
I see you. I hear you. And I’m so very glad that you are here right now.
Emotional pain is universal. It doesn’t care about your age, your origin, your gender or anything else. And when you think that you’re not old enough to be depressed, then you’re sending to yourself the message that your struggles are not really important. Which is a lie. And I think coming here and taking the time to share your thoughts truly shows that, actually, it is important. How you feel, what’s going on in your life, are far from being nothing. It is about you, so by definition it matters. You matter. So let’s agree that gaslighting yourself is not needed, and your age doesn’t make your struggles less valid.
I am personally really, really glad that you’re here and share about what’s going on. Depression, and suicidal thoughts especially, can make us feel very alone. It creates walls between you and the rest of the world. So I think it’s actually very brave to overcome those walls and share how you feel. It takes strength to do so. Thank you for being here.
The things you describe in your post are, indeed, very close to what depression creates. A lack of motivation, of enjoying things you enjoyed before, a feeling of being helpless, hopeless, wondering what’s even the point to try? You might have self-diagnosed, but what you describe is still worth to be cared for. Depression often creates a spiral when we end to care less and less about ourselves, to the point sometimes of seeing suicide as a valid option. But it’s not. It’s not a solution at all. It actually deletes the possibility to even try. And it sounds that, right now, you need to allow yourself to try to reach out, to try to break the walls in your mind that makes you believe that you are a burden, to try to receive the support you deserve. You don’t have to wear a mask or hide with your thoughts. There is nothing shameful in what you just shared. Actually, I only see a brave individual who managed to reach out, and that’s freaking powerful.
Your mom is your mom. If she spends money for you - and should I even say, for your well-being - then it’s not a waste. By being a mom, she has a responsibility to take care of you. And it’s okay to allow her to do so. To let her know how you feel and what you could decide together, in order to be sure that you stay safe. You deserve to feel better, to eat again, to find joy in what you like. You deserve support. But you also need to give to your mom the keys to understand that, to understand your heart and what’s going on. I want to encourage you to reach out to her. Even to share with her what you just posted here, if it’s easier. There is hope. But it needs to take some steps to actually feel it again. Don’t stay alone with this, friend. You are so much more than those lies that are eating you.
I’d also like to share the following video with you. It personally helps me when I start to isolate myself and give in the dark thoughts:
You are loved. You matter. You deserve to be safe and supported as you need. Hang in there.