I cannot believe Im complaining again AND when im supposed to be happier!!!
My mum came home from hospital yesterday, her home is great, she loved it, she seems calm and happy (a little anxious) but glad to be back in her home, one thing I hadnt thought of which I was pleased about is that I Cleaned and prepped her flat by moving some things and just making it easier to manouver around for her with her frame and she commented that she was worried about memories of the last time she was in there were going to play on her mind but now ive changed it and its all tidy it looks like a different place so those memories arent there (that pleased me)
So whats the problem then you ask? Everything else now it seems. I took a sigh or relief when mum got home but when I left her to come back home I felt awful, I felt cruel leaving my poor mum all on her own, she looked so frail and worried but i HAD to come home. Then when I came home after a couple of days I walk back in and of course there is no Holly which still makes my heart ache every time i go in the lounge, I just hate it here so much. I now have arthritis in my knee that is truly painful, and debt that I normally ignore, nothing I cant pay but it still debt and Last night laying in bed it all hit me like a ton of bricks, This is my life now, this is my existance. If I didnt have heartsupport and the friends I have met here I would have nothing except that and ill be honest I dont think I could handle much of just that.
I thought to myself last night (in victim mode of course) you have spent the first part of your life mentally unable to live a full life and now mentally and physcially cant either and pain is not something im good with. I would love to catch a break at somepoint, like i did when I met you people but here at home… Im pretty tired of all this shit at the moment but I am glad mum is getting so much better.
I really will stop posting, Im just feeling overwhelmed. Lisa.xx
Have you ever stretched a rubber band, It doesn’t break, it bears the weigh, but it will snap back into place after a while. this s how stress works too.
You survived a lot of stressful moments recently. Now you’re back home but it isn’t the same, so the rubber band isn’t silent, it’s shaking in discomfort.
Does your mother have space so you could stay at hers for a bit?
Your posts are always welcomed. you can’t pour from an empty cup, and every week you pour out a lot of support for others. Fill your cup here! You matter Lisa.
Whenever I’ve been under a lot of stress and it comes to an end, the best way I can describe the feeling is relaxing into a blob. It’s a shift too far in the other direction, going from stretched nearly to breaking to unable to support myself. It sucks, even though I know what’s happening. I just want to feel normal. Eventually, after a few days or weeks, I do. In the meantime, I just do the bare minimum to survive. There may be healthier ways to cope, but all this to say that I hear you, I understand you, you’re not any less for what you’re feeling, and it will get better in time even if it sucks right now.
A motto I’ve adopted to help give myself grace is “No special prizes.” There are no special prizes for operating at 100% when you’ve spent extended time operating at 200%. No special prizes for going from stress and worry about your mom straight into contentment and peace with yourself, when you’ve gone so long without focusing on yourself and maybe things weren’t all peaches and cream beforehand. No special prizes for doing the above-and-beyond intangibles. So do what you need to do now, and the rest will follow in time.
You have been going non-stop for 3+ weeks dealing with pretty traumatic things and you haven’t had time to just sit and feel your emotions about Holly without your mother’s situation flooding your thoughts. Losing Holly was a very traumatic experience and you haven’t really gotten time to grieve. Now things are settling down and all these emotions are starting to surface. Add to that having debt and your knee… That’s a hell of a lot to deal with my friend.
You know that nothing in life stays the same. You’ve already put in for your move to be closer to your mum and maybe someday in the near future a cute baby bird will be put into your life to love.
You have done everything in your power to make sure you mum is safe and comfortable at home. She has people coming twice a day to check on her and make sure she is ok. You haven’t really left her to 100% fend for herself and she is doing good. You’ve been an awesome daughter and support and even thru all the heartache you’ve experienced you’ve been there for her not matter what. That takes so much strength and love.
Lean on this community as much as you need to my friend. You are loved very much.
Traumatic experiences should be given the space to be processed, and you haven’t really had that space and time. Please don’t apologise for needing that.
The news about your mum is amazing! You’ve done such a wonderful thing for her and you have no reason to feel guilt. Does she have a duress alarm or is that something you’d be interested in looking at to ease both of your worries?
I share so much empathy for you. Losing an animal friend is such a deep heartache. I felt very much the same when I lost Lila. The spaces she filled felt empty, it was a loss so raw and I had to give myself time to grieve. It doesn’t seem you’ve had much time to grieve on top of all that’s taken place for you.
Perhaps allowing yourself to do something special in her memory might help? I planted some forget-me-nots where I had buried Lila. It has been so beautiful to see them bloom. Maybe you write her a letter to let her know how much she means to you. Whatever you need to grieve.
Be gentle and kind to yourself. You’ve been dealing with a lot and you’ve managed to keep your head above the water. That’s something to be so proud of.
like Rosie said, you are going through a lot recentelly. you had no time for yourself, no time for self care.
Now the situation with your mum and your knee.
i can relate to you, right now in my life it comes so much together that i can barely have energy. and i am so
sorry to hear that from you. you did not deserve this.
you are such an incredible inspiration, such a big heart, you give so much to others. it breaks my heart to
see you going through all of that. be sure that you can post here anytime you want.
you can be so proud of yourself, and i am proud for knowing you. you are so strong my friend.
you are loved so much, you care so much, and we care for you, be sure about that.
you matter and you deserve everything good in this world. feel hugged and loved.
