Few weeks ago, I had to quit my job because of mental health issues. With the job I lost my health insurance. I am completely socially isolated and haven’t had any contact to any family members for several years (by choice). Financially, I can survive a couple of months but I am getting more and more freaked out that I won’t find another job and will end up homeless (though I’d opt for the “ultimate solution” if it turned out that way).
I don’t manage to do things other than getting lost in addictive, self-destructive behaviors, depression, and negative thought spirals. I am currently not actively suicidal though. The addictive pattern is the only thing left to hold on to, but at the same time it takes all my attention, energy, and unfortunately a lot of money. I am not disciplined enough to let go of it (don’t want to go into details, there’s a lot of shame involved). I cannot focus, at times not even think properly. I don’t have any motivation. The last years have been so horrific, I need a break from all this s***, but that’s simply not possible. My soul has been suffering for all my life. I cannot carry the pain any longer, I feel like I am drowning. There is no one there, but I even don’t want that. I cannot trust others anymore since some traumatic events few years ago (and because of childhood trauma).
I put this into “Journal” just to get rid of it. My situation is rather complicated because of where I live and the circumstances. (Just to explain because the questions ask “what kind of responses do you want” and “why does it matter”, I guess it doesn’t.)