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Mental health issues

Few weeks ago, I had to quit my job because of mental health issues. With the job I lost my health insurance. I am completely socially isolated and haven’t had any contact to any family members for several years (by choice). Financially, I can survive a couple of months but I am getting more and more freaked out that I won’t find another job and will end up homeless (though I’d opt for the “ultimate solution” if it turned out that way).
I don’t manage to do things other than getting lost in addictive, self-destructive behaviors, depression, and negative thought spirals. I am currently not actively suicidal though. The addictive pattern is the only thing left to hold on to, but at the same time it takes all my attention, energy, and unfortunately a lot of money. I am not disciplined enough to let go of it (don’t want to go into details, there’s a lot of shame involved). I cannot focus, at times not even think properly. I don’t have any motivation. The last years have been so horrific, I need a break from all this s***, but that’s simply not possible. My soul has been suffering for all my life. I cannot carry the pain any longer, I feel like I am drowning. There is no one there, but I even don’t want that. I cannot trust others anymore since some traumatic events few years ago (and because of childhood trauma).

I put this into “Journal” just to get rid of it. My situation is rather complicated because of where I live and the circumstances. (Just to explain because the questions ask “what kind of responses do you want” and “why does it matter”, I guess it doesn’t.)

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Hey @blini

I am so sorry you are going through this very difficult time. And I think I speak for everyone that we don’t want to loose you. So thank you for reaching out.

We want the best for you.

You need time to yourself. You absolutely deserve it. But let’s also talk about creating a plan of action.

You need to find employment right? When you are up to it, search job positions and apply to all of the ones that will keep you afloat.

You have addictive patterns that are expensive and self destructive, are they rehab related? If they are, lets find proper support groups and resources to help combat that.

You have no motivation, try to give yourself one task, no matter how small, everyday to do. It could be just making your bed, doing your dished, washing a load of laundry. Nothing earth shatteringly difficult, but something you can say, “Hey, at least I did (insert)”

Keep us informed. We want the best for you. We are here to love and support you.

  • Aidan
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I wish I could find a starting point. I’ve been living with that for more than half my life. It takes up so much brain space, time, and energy. It does so much harm. At the same time it is such a relief, it numbs feelings, lets me forget about my situation. I can’t take all that without anything to hold on to. Five minutes ago I thought I’d come here and write down that I have to overcome this, that I want to start tomorrow and stick to it. To have some accountability. I don’t even make it to writing it down. Thinking of letting go of it makes me cry and anxious. Instead my head is already making plans for tomorrow to engage in these disordered behaviors.

My soul is constantly hurting. I feel so worthless, unwanted, and needless. I don’t know what I do that for. There’s no point in it. I’m so sick of it all. Will it ever stop getting worse?

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi @blini I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this situation. I hope you can find a job soon and was wondering if where you live there were any type of occupational programs to help you find work or learn a new job skill. I would also encourage you to post here about your addiction (I have and gotten a lot of support) so we can help support you the best we can. There is a lot of support online for addiction and I bet you could find some type of support there. Hope this helps ~Mystrose

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From: SuchBlue

Hi @blini,

Your life matters, you matter. The most that you can lose in this life, is your life. I’m not sure about where you live but where I live there is a number that you can call if you have any mental health or addiction issues. It’s perfectly fine to talk about what you’re going through in this forum, we don’t judge and we certainly won’t bite :slightly_smiling_face: If your addiction is what’s wasting all your money and is causing you all your problems, then that is the first thing that we have to get rid of.

I believe in you, you can do this :hrtlegolove: ~SuchBlue

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, blini! It does matter, because it’s your life and you matter :hrtlegolove:

I know you don’t ask for advice, but I would love to help you if I am able. Why is it so difficult to get another job that you worry you won’t get one in time? I don’t know where you live but I see ‘help wanted’ signs every time I go through a town. Apply to everything and everywhere you see. And if you don’t see a help wanted sign but see someplace you might enjoy working you can always go in and ask a manager if they need any extra help. You may get lucky. Even if you don’t think you would like a job or qualify still apply. Maybe you will hate where you end up but you may also find something you love doing that way.

I’m sorry you are feeling so down and you have been having such a hard time for so long. We are here for you if you ever need us or want help, advice, or just some friendly eyes to read your words. Please don’t stop sharing and don’t stop fighting. You really do matter. Stay strong, friend :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hiya Friend, Thank you for posting, I know you picked Journal but we still think you matter greatly so we respond to tell you so. I am so sorry you had to quit your job, mental health problems are so tough and having to lose you health insurance on top of that is just so so hard, its no wonder that you are struggling. It breaks my heart that you don’t seem to have any support either but to start with you do now, moral support and friendship you do anyway, right here. I can understand your fears of not being able to manage past the next couple of months and encourage you to look up what benefits and help there is where you live, when you have a mental health problem in some places you are entitled to claim extra money as its classed as a disability but you need to see your doctor and start to make claims if you haven’t. In the UK where I am it takes time to get these things done so the sooner you get the forms done the better and I know its hard and you probably don’t feel like it but its better than losing your home. I really want you to feel secure in your home so that you can begin to recover and feel better in yourself because you you deserve to be happy. Much Love Lisa

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Thank you all so much for your replies. They’ve reached me, touched my heart, and helped a lot to lift me up out of the dark place where I was stuck. Thank you for taking the time, it really made a difference for me to be noticed and heard, and knowing that there are people who think I’m worth it that they invest their time and try to help.

Since I don’t live in my home country, I am not too familiar with how things work here, but I found a labor office and handed in my documents yesterday. I will have a phone call with them on Monday, which is the first step to get an appointment and their support in finding a job. I hope they also know a bit about how it works when one has mental health problems.

Some weeks ago I made an appointment at a center for my type of addictive problem. They have a waiting list and the appointment will finally be tomorrow. I thought many times about cancelling it, but I didn’t.

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Hey @blini
I am so pleased you found both a labor office and a center to help with addictive problems, thank you for not cancelling it, the very worst thing that can happen is that nothing happens so you have nothing to lose there and on Monday the people there if they cant deal with the medical side of the benefits system then they will be able to put you in touch with who does so you are doing everything you can which is brilliant. Just be sure to explain the challenges you have had with working whilst having mental health problems because it clearly has been a problem so the more they know of that the better, one thing I have learned over the years is they don’t automatically come up with ideas for you, you have to be as straight forward and give as much information as you can. Good luck with both appointments and if you want to talk again, id love to know how you get on.
much Love Lisa. :heart:

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Sending plenty of thoughts your way today @blini for your appointment. You got this. Keep us updated, if you feel comfortable doing so. I’m looking forward to hearing from you and how things are going.

We’re all so very proud of you. For reaching out, for taking all of these brave steps. For not giving up nor cancelling any of it. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you @Lisaw1973 and @Micro for your replies! :hrtlegolove: I’ll make sure that I’ll bring the mental health problems up on Monday and ask for information.

So sorry for the long text.

The call today was with a center in my home country. They said they aren’t responsible unless I’m registered there. However, being registered requires to live there, but getting an apartment without a job is impossible. Even letting someone use one’s address to register is not allowed and fined with 50k euros.

The social worker I talked to recommended one of their therapeutic living communities (if I can resolve the registration issue) because I’m socially isolated, stuck with depression and my addiction, and don’t have a job. She also said that my situation is very complicated, which was a nice validation.

I’ve been to a treatment center 4 years ago and it was horrible. I cannot live without my addiction. I think I’m in denial how bad it actually is, probably even that it is an addiction at all, despite I know about my thoughts and behaviors, and what I do to my body. I’m so used to it, I don’t think I’m aware of the problem. Thinking of letting go of it makes me cry. I don’t want anyone else to have control over this, over me, over my behaviors. That would be the case in the living community. I don’t get along with others. Two persons share one room there. I cannot handle that and I don’t want anyone to notice how much I’m crying and annoy them with that either. I need privacy. Once there, I couldn’t even escape if things went badly. I still wouldn’t have a job so no way I could rent an apartment and I would really be stuck there.

There is a part of me that is so exhausted from the emotional pain and the suffering that has been going on for so many years. I feel cut off of everything. I’m just existing in this weird reality that I’ve created. It keeps me safe, away from others, and close to my addiction.

I am so afraid to lose more and more time. My CV has suffered already a lot and it won’t get any better any time soon. I don’t want to end up doing temporary help jobs for the rest of my life after all the effort that I put in my education years ago. I cannot just wait, not doing anything. I’m not sure if things will get better this way. If I force myself through the next job, I’ll end up in the same situation that I’m in right now, and have been for so long. I think the change has to be much more fundamental. I think I have to let go of the idea to get back to a “proper” job any time soon. This is so devastating and makes me feel like such a failure, but otherwise I’d constantly feel the pressure to get back to functioning asap, which probably isn’t helpful at all.

I don’t know what to think. That’s too much to deal with.

I asked for an appointment with someone who is in charge of the living community service.

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I’m glad you reached out to someone and maybe they can help you.

I’m hearing you say both good and bad things about the addiction that you’ve had for over half of your life. Could you imagine a life without it? Dont worry about the pain and stress to get over it or the adjustment period, imagine if a genie could snap their fingers and get rid of it - what would that life be like? What would change in your life?
Is that life a bit better than where you are now? Would it free open finances, mental energy, more time in the day to do other stuff you enjoy and want to do?

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These are very good questions and I should definitely work on finding an answer to them, because there isn’t anything that comes up. Without the addiction there is just a vacuum. On one side because my entire life has been evolving around the addiction for so many years. On the other side, I have no idea who I am, what I am interested in, what I want to do. Due to childhood trauma I’ve been completely disconnected from my Self. I neither felt my body nor did I have access to my emotions. I only realized that at the end of last year. For me this has always been normal. I thought that I was the problem and not what happened during childhood. It took me three years without any contact to my family to realize that. So right now, it’s just dark and foggy. If I could choose any job and education wasn’t a problem, I wouldn’t even know what I wanted to do for a living.

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oh friend,
I am so sorry that your childhood was like this, and that it has caused you to not know yourself! This sounds like an incredible period of growth and self-learning, and we are ready to help you and support you through this. I am so glad that you’re figuring out that you didn’t cause those problems!

It makes sense then that the addiction feels like a safe space because it’s been one of the constants in your life. I was a bit worried that my questions would sound harsh and I’m glad they made you think on them a little.

I really hope that things work out for you, and even if you have to share a room and stuff, it’s okay to cry a lot and say that this is what you need. Everyone there is dealing with something too, and you issues are just as important that what they’re going through! You deserve to be there, and get help, and be safe. Please let us know how things are working out for you!

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Thank you so much for your kind words @Sita. It means a lot to know that you care and that I can come here and find support. :hrtlegolove:

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