Mental illness has ruined me forever

This is not a plea for attention.

I have diagnosed, and very severe, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I have been on two psych meds for over a decade: Paxil and wellbutrin to be exact. I have come close to killing myself a dozen or more times. I also struggle with addiction to pornography. I have hurt my wife so bad that she’s just a shell of what once was her former self.

Each day that I get up, it’s an act of courage. Although my brain, my soul, my mind has been seemingly damaged beyond repair, I am still here. I often feel like God has abandoned me. Yet sometimes I can hear his still small voice whispering that he loves me. But I’m also afraid that the mental illness will someday drown out that whisper - the whisper which seems to be getting more faint every day.

I want to learn how to pick up the pieces of my broken existence, like Tim Lambesis and AILD has, and make something beautiful. If anyone out there has any encouragement or advice, I welcome it. Worth mentioning is that I have been getting professional counseling for years. It definitely helps, but so does hearing the insights from regular people (like you) who struggle with some of the same issues I do.

Thanks for reading.




I’m sorry you are not in good place right now. I’m glad you share your struggles with this community. There is still strength in you. Your struggles won’t last forever. You will overcome them. I encourage you to keep fighting. You are not alone in this.

Hello Tony. Mental illness does scar you, but that doesn’t mean it can ruin your life completely. I know it seems like things will never get better, that the depression and anxiety is choking your life out and there’s nothing. But don’t you forget the sun, okay friend?
I’m glad you listen to AILD. I’ve found rock music really helps, like Linkin Park and Black Veil Brides.
As for your wife, show her you care about her. She probably feels since you watch pornography, she’s not enough for you. Talk to her and be honest. I know it can be difficult, but communication is key in a relationship.
Addiction is hard, and sometimes you need a physical reminder, like a tattoo or a piece of jewelry. Remind yourself of what you’re fighting for, who you want to be. a song about going through addiction and/or self-harm and rather feel the pain or high
You say each day getting up is an act of courage. You’re not the only one, my friend. I get you.
You’re a survivor, got that? Don’t you dare forget it. :slight_smile:

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Hi, Tony

I’m glad that you reached out! It doesn’t mean it’s an act for attention. It’s a good thing to speak up about the things that trouble us and that we each battle through. So don’t even worry. That’s what we’re here for.

I do recommend being careful about naming specific meds in posts. It’s okay to talk about taking medications, but in the future I wouldn’t give the actual specific names. For the safety of everyone. :heart: Just to prevent discussing meds, recommendations and all of that.

I understand a lot of what you talk about here. Especially when battling with anxiety and depression. Or any type of mental health issue. Getting out of bed let alone dressed and showered or making ourselves get out can be very draining and difficult tasks. I battle with that on the daily. You are not alone my friend.

I know you feel like you are damaged beyond repair. I can relate. But you aren’t beyond repair my friend. You are so important and valued and deserve love and care. From others and from yourself! I know that addictions, depression and anxiety can be so dominant, but there is light in the darkness. It may not always feel like it, but it’s there.

Fighting addiction is hard. Especially when it hurts those around us. But I know you can come through it. It takes a lot of strength and courage. It takes time and commitment. And it takes patience. But one day at a time and with setting goals for yourself, you can do it!

You CAN make and be something beautiful my friend. It’s not going to be easy. It never is. But all of us can reach that better versions of ourselves. What things would you like to accomplish? What would you like to see yourself doing? What things would you like to change? And what kinds of small steps and goals can you take and set for yourself to work towards making those happen?

Working towards change and improvements can be scary and hard. I know that all to well. But we are here to walk along side you along the way. You don’t have to go at it alone. It’s good that you have a counselor that you see! I’m glad that it helps. It’s a good starting point. Maybe they can help you set goals for yourself and maybe help give you resources and tips in how to achieve them.

One day at a time my friend. I believe in you.

  • Kitty

Thanks man! (or woman ;0)
I appreciate the encouragement…exactly what I needed to hear.
I’m taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, and the sun does seem to be getting brighter.

Thanks Kitty. I appreciate the time and encouragement you’ve given.
Sorry about mentioning meds. I’ll stay away from that going forward.
I am working on goals with my counselor. It’s going well so far. This community/resource is going to be a huge part of my recovery, I can already tell. Hopefully someday I can donate time/money towards it - return the blessing a bit.

Grace & Peace,


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Great song…thanks for sharing!

It’s okay! Don’t worry about it.

I’m glad that you are working on goals with your therapist. That’s a really good thing. Making and achieving goals can be hard but small goals to make those bigger ones happen help. So not to overwhelm yourself. We can push ourself as we need to, but not so much that we feel overwhelmed. I hope that it continues to work for you.

This community really is a good one. I’ve become close to a few people here. Lots of good folk! All who are loving and supportive. :heart:

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