Might be my last post

This might be my last post due to the nature of everything that’s happened and is happening. I’d be lying if I said right now I don’t feel bitter or angry or scared.
I like to think I’ve been positive throughout everything. Maybe even though I’ve accepted sickness and even death I have moment where I want to be okay and feel like I can work towards a future. It can be shit to know that the most stress some people can feel is to wonder what job they’ll have because you won’t ever be able to make it. I hate being sad and scared, I hate being angry and resentful. I hate me so much when I lose myself. I can’t want and hope for great things in my future, just in the future of my family. I just somehow deep down wish I could experience it. Even if it were all a failure. I want to experience it.
Anyway sorry. Thanks for listening.

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Hey friend,

It’s more than okay to be angry, scared and bitter right now. You have all the right to feel those emotions. It doesn’t make you a bad person or someone ungrateful. Only a human being who has strong emotions and has valid reasons to feel those. And you know, anger is often tied to emotions that we perceive as being more acceptable, such as sadness and grief. You’re not guilty for having emotions, okay?

I’ll can’t pretend to relate to how you feel precisely, because I’m not experiencing what you’re going through with this sickness. But I’ve certainly felt like I’m limited in my capacity to live a “normal” life because of prior health issues, also because of traumas, depression/anxiety. To feel like your options are limited, like you’re less than others and you’re just helpless. It’s incredibly frustrating to have to deal with things you never asked for and make you feel like you can’t access to the same things as others, while it seems so easy to them that they don’t even realize the chance they have. You just want to embrace this life at its fullest - the good, the bad, all of it. That makes totally sense and is absolutely justified.

I’m angry for you, friend. Because no, that’s not fair. And it’s not wrong to say it. It’s not wrong to shout out a big “f*ck” sometimes. You are not disappointing anyone for feeling how you feel, and I really want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself during those times.

As human beings, there are times when it’s hard to wrap our head around this kind of situation. We can focus on the present moment, on what’s in our control, but sometimes we can’t help but having a larger perspective and it scares us. It is okay to be scared, friend. You are not expected to feel or react a certain way. Only to be as much patient and compassionate you can with yourself. Because the people who love you want the best for you.

I care about you. It really brings a smile to my face when I see your name here and on Discord. Your presence is seen, appreciated, valued. So much. You are not out of this life or this reality. You’re entirely part of it, just like we all do through our own journeys - which are sometimes pretty chaotic, to say the least. But we’re all together, accepting and loving each other just as we are. I wish so much goodness for you, friend. And I know there’s only so much we can do, because a lot of things are out of our control. It forces us to be humble and focus on what is essential, in any circumstance, which is the insane amount of love available for you.

I’m sending a big hug to you right now. I hear you and care about you. You’re entirely part of this online family. So please take care of yourself, friend. And if sometimes it means to get things off your chest without any filter, then so be it. No one will judge you for that. Hitting those walls is painful, but it’s also part of building acceptance and creating peace in your heart.

:heart:

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I definitely feel bad, and I think it’s just been a really hard week this week. It really sucks feeling so down and I really feel for people who have to fight that every day. I’be certainly been grieving a lot of things I feel I’ve already lost. I’ve been focusing on staying positive and maybe ignoring everything else until it became overwhelming

This is so hard. It’s just hard to think about, but that’s sometimes how it feels.

I think I’m disappointed in losing control over the emotions because I feel like if I lose it then so will everyone else. Like I have to be brave and stay positive as much as possible for them. But it does feel kind of good to just drop it. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but just have a moment to… like you said, shout a big F!

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Hey @cohen . @taylorpalmby sang a song for you on the live stream!

Hold Fast

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This is so hard. It’s just hard to think about, but that’s sometimes how it feels.

Yea, I agree. It does hurt to think that way sometimes. As human beings, we’re often aware of what we had only when we lose it. There’s definitely a balance to find between looking after the things we don’t have, but also seeking light and joy in what we have. Grieving the things we don’t have or never had is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. My heart goes out to you, friend. Please keep in mind that it’s okay to take your time to process those things. It’s okay if sometimes it feels like moving forward and backwards repeatedly. You’re definitely growing and learning to compose with what you have, which only shows how strong you are. Those are growing pains. It doesn’t mean you are less than anyone else. But grieving what we miss is a painful process, indeed.

I think I’m disappointed in losing control over the emotions because I feel like if I lose it then so will everyone else.

That makes sense. It certainly feels like there’s a lot of pressure on your shoulders and, somehow, you have to be an example for your loved ones. But you are still human, and others emotions are not your responsibility or yours to control. Actually, showing some vulnerability is also an inspiration for others to not bottle up their emotions either. And in such circumstances, there is no need to “perform”, emotionally speaking. It’s okay to be brave, it’s okay to be strong, just like it’s okay to find strength in your own vulnerability.

I might be really wrong, but do you feel responsible for being sick, somehow? A little bit like, because you are the one being sick, then you feel like people are looking up to you so they can adapt their own reactions/emotions (and so you have to be very careful of how you react)? I’m aware that this is the kind of pressure we can have when we’re facing important health issues, whether it comes from ourselves or our loved ones - even if they don’t do it on purpose.

I hope next week will be a little more peaceful to you. Take care, friend. You are loved, truly. And I’ll say it again, but your presence is a blessing. :hrtlegolove:

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@Kayla and @taylorpalmby thank you for sharing and thank you for that amazing cover. It really did put a smile on my face, such a good song! Some times you need to just believe that things will be okay

That is the truth of it. For the most part I find it fairly easy to find joy in a lot of things and those moments like the last week or so, joy turns to something dark. In each moment you don’t think about how you could ever feel the other. When it’s good it’s like nothing could ever take that away, and when it’s bad it doesn’t feel like any of the good things we’re ever real.

Especially my sister because she’s younger and has always been an emotional person. So has my mum. My dad and my brother are a bit more level headed type people, but get more frustrated. I feel I need to try balance them out and give them all a reason to stay positive. If I’m positive and okay then they can be.

This also applies to what I was saying above. I recognise I’ve had a lot more time, money and energy spent on me. I don’t like to admit it, but I’ve had those thoughts that if I just died now then everyone could move on and save all that for better things or for my siblings.
And there’s definitely that feeling that if I lose it in front of them then that will make them feel like there’s no control or hope. I guess what I mean by that is it would feel a little better to be able to break down and not be okay if they could stay strong for a second and hold it together for me.

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