Hi guys, 29 year old virgin about to lose my virginity on Thursday with a girl I really like, basically I stumbled upon her on Saturday as she was giving away pamphlets for a conference she was organizing at a street corner, I stopped by to say hello 'cause I’ve still got a huge crush on her and by the end of the conversation she gave me her number, told me she was about to move to my town and invited me to the conference. Then on Wednesday I got called for a job interview in a town which is 100 km away from the one I am currently residing in, so I figured I’d attend the conference in the evening, then commute back home since I can’t drive 'cause I’m epileptic, and get another train in order to arrive at the job interview. On Thursday night we were both eager to meet each other, there was a lot of affection too and then, to my surprise, she invited me home, but I glitched and told her about the interview and about a couple things that I actually had to collect at home and bring to the interview with me, so she gave me a big hug and we said good night to each other. I thought she was down to date another time but she’s ghosting me, now, I don’t mind being ghosted but I’m very sad for having put my needs in front of hers, not being able to show her how much I like her. The problem is that being busy is a common excuse to put someone off, so I’m afraid I might have come across as uninterested and perhaps standoffish when actually she really is the girl of my dreams, and if I blew my chances with her I wonder if I’ll ever love again. Plus I have spent the entire weekend looking for relationship advice online and now I am drained, burnt out, sad, and nostalgic.
Anyway, has anybody got an opinion on my story? Mine is that I let my insecurities spoil the perfect date once again, so I feel stupid.
It’s super important to be open and frank in a relationship. You didn’t do anything wrong to tell her the truth about your interview. That is also important and something you need to do.
How is she ghosting you? Not responding at all to calls or messages?
How long have you guys know each other? It’s okay to take things slow and get to know each other first, and then decide what you want to do, how far to go intimately etc.
There’s no pressure at all to rush into things. It’s sometimes better to be able to talk to the other person so that you both know what the other is expecting from your time together: Sometimes a relationship, being exclusive to each other, or maybe it’s a one-night stand that’s just for sex and there are no feelings involved, and to discuss contraceptives/protective measures. It’s important to know this before hand, so you know how to approach the situation.
Send her a message stating this, and ask her to clearly state where she is at, if she needs to think or reconsider, if she’s no longer interested, etc.
Your insecurities didn’t ruin anything. You were honest about what was going on in your life.
It’s up to her to be honest about her intentions. It’s perfectly acceptable to look out for yourself. This isn’t anything to feel stupid about. Maybe she was after a quick hookup?
Either way, you did well to be honest. Let her know you’re still interested and willing to make a proper plan for you guys to hang out again. There’s no pressure for it to be intimate.
Sometimes people lose interest, and it has nothing to do with you. So don’t be so hard on yourself, okay?
Let us know how things go, if you’re comfortable with it.
I can feel what you’re feeling right now. Not far beneath the surface, I still feel like a young insecure virgin who wondered if he would ever get laid. I’d have been kicking myself too if I felt I’d blown my best chance at getting laid to prep for an interview. One time I spent the night with a girl I really liked, and I couldn’t bring myself to push past making out. She didn’t want to see me again after that. The reality of the situation was that some guy she had a crush on had asked her out, but I thought I had blown my only chance at having sex with her. I took it really hard. I internalized it, and told myself I would never let that happen again, no matter the cost.
I’m not going to try to convince you that sex isn’t good enough to compromise on other aspects of your life–people compromise their lives for sex all the time–but consequences like staying stuck in your old job stay with you long after the fun is over. It sucks that you didn’t get to have sex with her, but if she was really into you, this wouldn’t have been your only chance with her. If she cared about you at all, she would have fully supported you nailing your interview, and been ready to celebrate later.
Her fleeting interest is just as pathological as a guy who quits talking to a girl because she doesn’t put out right away. It’s not okay in that scenario, and it’s not okay when the roles are reversed and you’re the one getting rejected. It’s nothing you did, and it’s not a shortcoming on your part. Know your worth.
By the way, how did the interview go?!
No, I don’t think it sucks, it must have been a misunderstanding: I thought she had only invited me the conference, but perhaps that was a lovely excuse to spend time with me.
Anyway, today I have been thinking about the whole chronology of the situation: basically I saw that beauty across the street in a town near Florence, went over and acted a fool; she seemed to really enjoy it and told me she was organizing a public conference, gave me the flyer and also gave me her number informing she was about to move to my town. It really felt great and I was eager to meet her on Thursday, but on Wednesday morning I got a call from a company in Leghorn (100 km far from Florence) booking an appointment on Friday morning at 10.40 AM, so I figured I’d attend the conference and then catch the train back to Florence in order to sleep there and catch another train to Leghorn the day after, but after the conference the girl invited me over. I had left my pills and the keys to my house in Pisa in Florence, thinking I’d go back after the conference, so that’s what I told her, and we said goodbye.
Now I cannot help but wonder whether it’s the company or the girl that has the priority, since the girl had invited me to the conference on Saturday, and I attended it in full, and the company booked an appointment on Friday, but perhaps the girl wanted to spend more time with me, and I really wanted to do the same, but her invitation to her actual place happened after my booked appointment in a street that I didn’t even know the location of.
So, in your opinion, who’s got the priority? The girl’s invitation came first, but does that apply to the conference or to the whole evening?
I really hope I didn’t let her down…
In my opinion, her invitation applied only to the conference. I think it was good of you to honor your commitment to go to the conference. It might have been an excuse to spend time with you, and that’s good too! Your next commitment was to the company you were interviewing with, and you honored that commitment too. Going home with her would have been fun, but you would have overcommitted. Saying “not this time” was a perfectly reasonable response, and one that kept all your commitments intact.
I think this pic I stumbled upon on the HeattSupport Twitter relates pretty well to our debate.
Thank you so much for the support to both of you, I love you.
Dunno, I might have been silly because there were trains in the morning that led to Florence, from which I might have proceeded to take the train from Leghorn: since the closest ones to the time of the appointment depart from 7 AM onwards, I would have still slept for a similar amount of hours as I did in Florence, but in the company of the love of my life instead of completely alone.
However, I should have taken a very specific train, I guess the one departing at 7.36 AM, or I would have been late to the interview.
Now that realization makes me feel really stupid, on top of the fact that mine are just crocodile tears…
What’s your take on this story?
This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.