I want to believe that these things will never happen and that im just trying to be a minimalist and better my life, but what if it does?
That’s a very interesting question. And somehow, I think you responded to it by sharing some significant parts of your story, but also your fears about what might happen in the future. What you’re questioning here is the deep roots of what appears to be a way to practice minimalism. Definitely a positive thing to question yourself about your inner motivation.
I approached minimalism and read quite a few things about it because, just like you, through the years I had these cycles of urges when I’d declutter the stuff that I have. With time, I started to approach it in a mindful way (is this object valuable in my life?) and not a quantitative way (reducing the amount of objects I have). What’s been interesting through this process is to realize that this practice didn’t come from nowhere but is deeply rooted in my own story. There’s something therapeutic in this when it allows us to reflect on ourselves - just like you’re doing through this post.
I agree with @Sarah: grief could be a keyword. It reminds me of something that C.S.Lewis wrote in an short essay: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid”. It’s not even necessary about the actual loss of something or someone, but even just the possibility of it. We’re humans. We have a capacity of projection. And often times it’s based on our past experiences. These are fears:
This is how I think:
Something bad will happen and I need to be ready to run away
The US is going to start a war and I need to be ready to hide
Some sort of Apocalypse will happen and I need to be ready to defend myself and my belongings.
But it’s also incredibly positive to be aware of how you think. It could be a major difference between minimalism and a potential trauma response/coping mechanism. Minimalism is a way of life, it’s about chosing something that suits you more. There is a sense of freedom in it. But if it’s motivated by deep fears first and foremost, then it could be interesting for you to work on it, and why not with a counselor or a therapist.
Is decluttering a personal choice or a habit that you developped over time? Does doing this causes any pain to you/does it prevent you to live how you want to live, or be who you want to be? Do you feel stuck or driven by your fears before anything else? Just some open questions - don’t feel any obligation to respond here particularly.
I any case, it’s truly positive to question your motivation and seek a better understanding of yourself. I believe in you and your capacity to identify your own truth. Whether it’s by yourself or with the right support. This community is here for you as well. Take care, friend.