First post. Hopefully it’s in the right section.
I’m honestly not sure what I’m looking for here, maybe a place to talk without feeling like I’m burdening other people with my problems.
Where to begin? I’m a miserable drug addict. I hate myself beyond what I can convey with words and life has become unbearable.
I’m 28 years old. I’ve been using/abusing opiates for nearly 15 years and been addicted to them in one way or another for the last 10.
Regular, long-term drug abuse is clearly contributing to my issues, yet at this point opiates are the one, sole source of joy or comfort in my life. Without them I have nothing, no reason to make it through the next hour, day, week.
Fortunately/unfortunately, I can afford my habit and am a fairly functional user. I write for a living and make a decent salary by my own (low) standards. In the sense of unsustainable or catastrophic use, I’m unlikely to hit “rock bottom” anytime soon. I’m free-falling into what feels like a bottomless pit.
I don’t know what to do with myself or how to improve my life. Even were I to kick opiates, things don’t magically get better. I’ve quit at various points over the years, but other problems remain and I always end up coming back to drugs.
Hypothetically, I want to have a social life, meet girls, hang out with friends, do things other than work, etc. Yet when opportunities for such things actually come up, I never want to do any of it. I’d much rather hang out by myself in my shitty apartment.
I realize nothing changes if I don’t change anything, but I feel like I’m currently living out the best of all my options – the result just happens to suck complete ass. Like this is as good as it gets for me. This is it.
I don’t really know what kind of response I’m expecting here, but I’m certain I’m not alone in feeling like this. Any thoughts or advice or questions or criticisms are welcome.