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Misery, addiction, hopelessness

First post. Hopefully it’s in the right section.

I’m honestly not sure what I’m looking for here, maybe a place to talk without feeling like I’m burdening other people with my problems.

Where to begin? I’m a miserable drug addict. I hate myself beyond what I can convey with words and life has become unbearable.

I’m 28 years old. I’ve been using/abusing opiates for nearly 15 years and been addicted to them in one way or another for the last 10.

Regular, long-term drug abuse is clearly contributing to my issues, yet at this point opiates are the one, sole source of joy or comfort in my life. Without them I have nothing, no reason to make it through the next hour, day, week.

Fortunately/unfortunately, I can afford my habit and am a fairly functional user. I write for a living and make a decent salary by my own (low) standards. In the sense of unsustainable or catastrophic use, I’m unlikely to hit “rock bottom” anytime soon. I’m free-falling into what feels like a bottomless pit.

I don’t know what to do with myself or how to improve my life. Even were I to kick opiates, things don’t magically get better. I’ve quit at various points over the years, but other problems remain and I always end up coming back to drugs.

Hypothetically, I want to have a social life, meet girls, hang out with friends, do things other than work, etc. Yet when opportunities for such things actually come up, I never want to do any of it. I’d much rather hang out by myself in my shitty apartment.

I realize nothing changes if I don’t change anything, but I feel like I’m currently living out the best of all my options – the result just happens to suck complete ass. Like this is as good as it gets for me. This is it.

I don’t really know what kind of response I’m expecting here, but I’m certain I’m not alone in feeling like this. Any thoughts or advice or questions or criticisms are welcome.

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First off, welcome to HeartSupport! You came to the right place for feedback and compassion.

What I’m hearing from you is that your drug habit has become unmanageable, and you are having trouble quitting on your own. That’s Step 1 of the 12 Steps. Congratulations! It takes a lot of bravery to admit that out loud. Admitting it makes it real, and that’s scary.

Now, throwing away your crutches is fucking terrifying, and no one can blame you for not wanting to. When the withdrawals are finished, you’re left with agonizing feelings of failure, insecurity, and hurt. Why would anyone in their right mind want to face that? Most people try to numb their problems. For you, it’s opiates. For me, it’s sex. For others, it’s alcohol, food, shopping, video games, work, gambling, on and on. Most people are in denial. They don’t have a problem, or their fucking problem is *insert circumstance. You have made a big step waking up enough to see that your crutch is hurting you. You see value in learning to function without it–increased freedom, social interaction, more fulfillment.

How do you get there? I’m just starting that journey, so I can’t give you a comprehensive guide book, but part of it at the beginning is discerning and acknowledging what hurts and what you’re trying to numb. It’s unpleasant, but so enlightening. I’d recommend finding a support group. It can be a 12 step group, a recovery group, or some other alternative. You’ll find yourself in the company of people who have been where you are, or who are right where you are, all of whom understand and none of whom will judge you. The first time you go, all you have to do is walk through the door. Showing up is a huge step, and it’s the catalyst for starting to change.

Thank you for sharing here. I applaud you, and I admire you for being brave enough to admit your “big shameful taboo” addiction to a group of strangers. I wish you well as you start figuring things out. Be brave, and keep us updated.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

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@FullAgonist Hey there friend. You came to the right place to voice your concerns free of judgement.

I want to say upfront that I know what you’re going through. I myself was an addict for many years and have been clean for 8 years. The idea of losing your dependencies are absolutely terrifying to think about. The first step in the right direction is admitting that there is a problem that you recognized. Recovery looks different for everyone, for some it’s a 12 step program, for others it’s NA, and others have something completely different. As SheetMetalHead said, I recommend finding someone or a group of people with like minds. Try finding someone or a group of people that will hold you accountable and challenge you to grow as well. This is a point in your life where you need some support systems, so don’t be afraid to reach out when you need to.

I want to say that you have every reason to continue with life without the dependency on opiates. It may seem dark and inescapable, but there will be a brighter side of life on the other side of chemical dependency.

Thank you for reaching out to us, and please don’t be afraid to reach out when needed! I praise and applaud you for beginning this journey. Much love.

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Thank you for the kindness and encouragement.

I suppose part of my issue with drugs is they’re certainly contributing to the problem, yet they also present the only immediately available “solution” to my feelings of loneliness and dread and self-hatred. It’s a bit of a catch 22.

Of course, I know the answer is long-term abstinence. My brain is all out of whack and won’t recover until I quit. Those negative feelings aren’t going to disappear on their own, but god damn are they hard to face without fake drug-induced comfort.

My support system is virtually non-existent. I live alone, work remotely and have almost zero interaction with other human beings. That’s probably one place to start, and maybe posting here could be considered a first step.

Thanks again for your response. I really appreciate it.

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Hi @FullAgonist

I’m a bit late with my reply, but I just wanted to say that with help you can detox. I was addicted to opiates too and I was at the end of my rope, not wanting to live. I ended up in the emergency room and spent a week in the psych ward detoxing with meds to help with withdrawals. Also the therapy groups and one on ones with the in house therapist really helped me. I went thru a year of rehab in the program the hospital offered.

That was in 2006 and I didn’t go back to abusing pills and I’m very thankful I had the help.

No one can make you quit. That want has to come from somewhere inside of you. :hrtlegolove:

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Hey @FullAgonist,

Acknowledging an addiction and the fact that things need to change for you to have the life you desire is definitely a huge step. Thank you for opening up here, especially as this is your first post on the forum. Your vulnerability is inspiring and respected. :hrtlegolove:

My support system is virtually non-existent. I live alone, work remotely and have almost zero interaction with other human beings. That’s probably one place to start, and maybe posting here could be considered a first step.

Here at HS, we have community groups on Discord named Action Groups which are about providing a support system to people who 1/ don’t have any, and 2/ are in this fundamental time of their journey of wanting to take action and healthy steps forward. It’s not an addiction support group, but it is a place where you could share your situation and brainstorm, with the help of other members, the steps you would like to take to tackle your addiction. Groups meet weekly and the idea is to provide accountability on reaching those goals, no matter what they are. Given what you have shared here, I deeply believe that these groups could be a good, first start for you. You could for example define goals in terms of reaching out and developing your support system in your life - looking after local recovery groups, therapy, or whatever you would like to try.

All in all, I would highly encourage you to have a look at it and connect with a group Lead to see if that could be of interest to you. @SinningSaint77 who responded just above is one of those group Leads. You can also have more information (+meetings schedule and contacts) HERE.

No matter what your decisions are in the future, you don’t have to walk that path alone. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, Welcome To HeartSupport and Thank you so much for your post, I am so grateful that you found us here and that you have been able to find a place to unburden yourself. It sound like you have really been through the ringer for the last 10 years and I am so so very sorry for that and you are right, you are not alone, you are far from alone and here at HeartSupport I hope you will not only have the oportunity to feel better by opening up but you will also be able to talk or get to know other people with similar or their own issues that also just wanted to come here for that reason who also felt that they had no reason to be here until they found that they did because they are loved and cared about no matter what. I do not know what a drug addiction is like so I don’t know what you have been through with that but your words sadden me, your lack of self worth is apparent and I do hope in some small way we can help with that. we have a discord channel here where we offer support groups called action groups, if you do want to give up there is support there, they are run by some wonderful people, ill put a link under this post. just take a look, you dont have to join, you dont have to do anything you dont want to do. it costs nothing and you have nothing to lose. You do have a reason to make it through, that reason is you, you have no idea what is ahead of you, it could well be that hypothetical life you speak of or better, none of us know our future. Please stick around and give it a chance. This could just be the first step on an amazing journey. Much Love Lisa. xx

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