Just laying in bed missing my dad he passed do to cancer last year and just been on my mind since Thanksgiving wondering what he’d think of me transitioning or how I can’t keep a job who knows I Know he’d say one thing to keep my hopes up and another to my mom or brother about how he really felt like everyone else does ugh I shouldn’t think like that its not healthy I Know I miss his voice I’ve forgotten what he sounded like a few months ago and that hurts alot I have three separate versions of him in my head pre Cancer post cancer and when I found him dead they all have kinda merged in my head and I kinda hate it
love ya dad
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hi there,
Dealing with big moments after a death is hard, when you want to reach out to them for some comforting words.
Maybe you could try writing a letter to your dad? Maybe you can write to all three versions in that letter, so that you can talk to each version and those memories separately.
I’m sorry for your loss, and I can hear your pain. Grief is a process, it does lessen, it does loosen its grip after a while. Keep talking about your feelings, take care of yourself physically (eating, resting, getting up and trying to go out doors, etc).
Keep strong, it gets better. The pain is there because there was love there. Honour that love by grieving yes, but also knowing that he would have wanted you to be happy and thrive as you transition.
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Dear @Derpplup
I am so sorry for your loss. I know the holidays can be so difficult because they are a time of family and gatherings. I know you are hurting, especially now this week and I’m sure next month will have its challenges too. I wanted to share with you some things that helped my family with the loss of late father in law (around 2 years now):
We talk about little odd habit or thing that he would say, for example he would always want to eat the bacon off the turkey breast that was basically charcoal by the time the turkey was finished. It really helps to remember those memories of funny or goofy things together. You might find each other sharing stories for a moment and reminiscing.
I think you are really going through a lot right now especially coming out and having some job woes, but I’m sure your dad would have supported you and given you tips or encouragement to keep your spirits up. I think you are a great person and having job issues in these times is very normal - the world is crazy right now!
Maybe take some time this week to find some old pictures, you could just go through them alone or with family and friends and talk about what was going on in life at that time. Maybe that will help separate the timeline of his illness and passing from the memories of his vibrant life before.
Again I want to give you my condolences, love from my family to yours <3/Mish
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From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)
Hey Friend Thank you for your Post, I am so very very sorry for the loss of your Dad, I doubt there isn’t a day that goes by when he is not in your thoughts but of course whenever there is a holiday or occasion it is always more difficult because our loved ones that have passed should be there with us. Can I say to you firstly that your Dad would be nothing but proud of you whatever you are doing right now, he loved you, he still loves you and I don’t think there is anything that you could do that would make him feel anything other than pride. I know there is no bringing him back friend, but he will always be in your mind and in your heart so you will never truly be without him. I light a candle on special days for my Nan just so she knows she hasn’t been forgotten, just an idea if you like it. I wish you love and all the very best. Much Love Lisa.
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From: twixremix (Discord)
hi my friend. i’m happy to be able to connect with you again here. thank you for sharing such a raw and heartfelt post on what you’re currently going through. grief is not an easy thing to face ever, no matter how old we are or how many times we’ve been through it. with the holidays, job struggles, and the life milestones of your transition, it’s completely understandable that you are having a difficult time wondering what he would say or think about it all. i can say with confidence that your dad, wherever he may be right now, is proud of you and all you’ve accomplished and will accomplish. you are his child and you’ve endured and conquered so much. so at the end of the day, your dad
is proud of you. always. i do want to ask if you have a recording of your dad that includes his voice in it? i listen back to voicemails of my grandpa who passed earlier this year to cancer and it really does help during times of struggle and hopelessness. i hope you can find something similar to bring his voice back to your memories and guide you in latching on to the good memories instead of remembering times of pain and death. this photo you shared especially is one filled with love and tenderness. my one hope is that you can find more of these photos to help guide you in your memories and your life path. you are not alone, my friend. your dad will always be with you, his memories in your heart, and your HS community will always have your back. i’m proud of you and i’m wishing you a great holiday season ahead. much love, twix
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From: eloquentpetrichor (Discord)
Hello again, Derpplup! It’s nice to hear from you again. I’m sorry for your loss and that you are missing him so much right now. The holidays are always the hardest time to not have a loved one around that you used to always have for those traditions and to be in those holiday photos. I didn’t know your father but I like to think he would be proud of the person you are and that you are living life. You are continuing on without him and being your own person and that’s all parents ever really want for their kids. They want to know that even without them around you are able to keep going and living life and being true to who you are. Your existence, no matter the struggles or pitfalls, means that a piece of him lives on because he raised you and is a part of who you are as a person. And I think he would be proud of that person. 
Regarding the memories getting muddled and weaker I have a few suggestions. Do you have recordings of him that you can watch/listen to? Especially pre-cancer ones. Home movies and the like. If so then watch them. Over and over again. Let those moments flood your mind and push out the memories of him you don’t want to have. Look at photo albums, facebook photos, anything you have of him that is connected to the healthy man you want to remember. Share stories about him with the rest of your family. Laugh together at those memories. Especially ones concerning what he would have been doing during Christmas. A silly tradition he loved or some dumb joke he always used to make. Don’t let those things die with him. Keep them alive in you all and you’ll keep him alive in your hearts. Remember those good memories and you’ll start to hear his voice in your head again the way you want. It works for me and I just it will work for you. My grandpa died years ago and I can still hear his catchphrase in my head because we still say it. Keep the memories alive and keep being your awesome self. Stay strong
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