About 5 years ago my best mate was diagnosed with cancer. I was with her for most of her fight, appointments and everything in between. It was rough, I was also there with her when she found out. I was always (still am I think) in denial that she would never be gone, let alone this soon.
I went travelling for few years and it was so hard to say goodbye for a bit. Although we still spoke everyday.
I was luckily enough to see her a few times (at distant coz of covid) once I came back last year before she was gone forever, but the funeral was rushed and with only a few people ( again covid!)
I just don’t feel I had the proper goodbye yet.
My best mate was my roller derby wife too ( a team mate you just click with and have such closeness with)
Due to Covid this hobby of ours was stopped and still is. However it’s looking like we might be going back soon and Im so scared this is when I will really feel her loss. We would also pair up together, travel together and go to pub afterwards too and this will be gone.
What do I do if I freak out going back? I miss her so much and I think being around people who also knew her well is going to trigger things. 
Hey there SpiderTrev,
Growing up my family made friends with our next door neighbor. He name was Wanda. Even when all of the kids were young she would call all of us nicknames and we would never EVER forget the good times we had with her. She ended up with breast cancer and passed a few years ago.
My younger siblings who have special needs met a friend in school. He also having special needs also had cancer. Great kid, always fun being around, just a light that walked into the room.
They both impacted my life in a positive way. I will forever miss them but honor their memory and take lessons from their life and apply it to everything else. The pain will never goes away but it does get easier. Start small with yourself. Remember self care as well. Reach out when you need to.
Trev, I would like to learn more about your friend when you are ready. <3 Zeph
SarahK replied to your post live on YouTube!
Wow , thank so much for your kind words. I have processed a lot over the weekend and feel somewhat better.
You have such a good point , I need to carry on with the sport I love and make her proud. I’m going to work really hard to do really well and get back into it , as this is what she would have wanted.
I am so glad to hear this!! Please reach out if you need anything else. I am the girl from the YouTube stream! DM if you ever need to chat more
Thanks Sarah, I will do . I’ll come back here when we finally go back to skating in June and let you know how I get on 
@Skava0127 just wanted to update you that I went back , met up with a small group. It’s a slow start but I made it , I didn’t flake out , I made myself go. Even went to the pub afterwards.
Im still nervous about getting on with things and my hobby again without my mate. But I know it’s better than not trying.
I went out today to a place that I didn’t realise was a slight trigger (we had planned to go there together , but she passed away before we went.) I had to go to that place for work today . Super tough , I basically didn’t enjoy any of it and my heart aches. But I know this is part of what I need to go through. But ouch it hurts so much !
@SpiderTrev I am sorry that I am just seeing this now, but I am so proud of you!! And you should be proud of yourself too. I understand the pains and the heartache. I haven’t been around lately because a week ago, I found out about the death of my friend. So, I have been grieving right along with you. You are not alone in your grief.
I think you are right in that going to these places will help you heal. The grief won’t necessarily disappear, but you will grow stronger and be able to hold your grief without it hurting so much. Please keep me updated! As I said earlier, I am with you and you are not alone. Don’t beat yourself up. Take your time and heal at your own pace.
Hold fast, my friend
Aww Sarah , I’m so sorry to hear you also lost your friend , but yes being together in this pain somewhat helps for sure. I went to training again this week and I think it’s getting a little better each time. I had a cry on my way home as it feels like I have a missing piece out of me from it all , but I will keep going and keep trying. Like you said, I will go for her and she would be proud .
She also loved animals and zoos and so recently I have been going to loads of animal parks that she would have loved , a charitable donation on her behalf sort of thing. Going to these places for her and giving them money in the mean time as she loved to do that …it’s be good fun too. Otters are so cute !!!
This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.