Mistakes, and guilt

Okay, to sum up a long story, I struggled with alcohol for years. During that time, I faced stage 3 cancer, sought help, and managed to overcome it. Crohn’s disease has been a part of my life since forever. I met someone who became my best friend, and we had plans to get married. In light of my victorious battle with my disease and the positive things happening, I made the regrettable decision to drink excessively. As a result, I sent text messages, which were not explicit or expressing a desire to rekindle our relationship, but due to her past experiences, I deeply hurt her and shattered our trust. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, and even if she forgives me, I am still grappling with depression and a profound disgust towards myself. I dont blame her if she never forgives me and the worst part is for me if thats her choice its my fault alone. idk how to deal with this. im a fighter always been but how do u fight urself? when ur to blame? i know of only one way and i wont ever i mean ever get to that point. but still its my fault mentally i cant let that go or ever trust in myself again…

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In my experience, the more a person fights with a part of themselves or habitual negative behavior, the more that negative thing fights back and tries to survive. It may at first seem counterintuitive, but expecting to have a huge battle with yourself about something, can assign subconscious power to the thing you are trying to eliminate.

In this situation, those feelings provide evidence that you are a genuinely good person.

If we learn a hard lesson through self-inflicted adversity, we are changed. At that point, we are no longer the same person. As a different, wiser person, feeling guilt in the present for who you were in the past, is no longer needed or useful.

Drinking definitely does impair judgment. If you want to preserve your good judgment, in the moment of choice, remember your good judgment.

Do you really think you will repeat the same mistakes? It sounds to me as though as a human, you will make more mistakes, but I seriously doubt if you will repeat the same ones. I think you can safely trust yourself not to.

Even if you do mess up, trust that at your core, you intend to continue being a good person. Trust that you have the integrity to be honest with yourself and face your mistakes.

When it comes to making changes in habits, it’s best to turn away from them and find alternative ways to deal with the urge to do something negative. For example, channel the impulse to yell at someone into taking a long walk. Once upon a time, I dealt with the urge to drink by eating an apple.

I think counseling would be helpful. Your friend deserves someone with adequate self-esteem. Counseling can help you develop it.

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I want to extend my heartfelt gratitude to all of you for your kind words, thoughtful comments, and unwavering support. Despite my mistakes, I am trying my best to find forgiveness within myself. As a YouTube creator, I often feel burdened with guilt, especially because my channel revolves around love and positivity. It’s difficult to preach these values when I, too, make mistakes that hurt others. How can I spread love, light, and hope when I still struggle with my own demons, leading me to make errors from time to time?

I’m on a journey to become a better person, silently fighting my inner battles every day and night, regardless of sleep. My determination to promote love and positivity on my channel is sincere, but I admit that I haven’t fully learned to love myself yet. I feel lost, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to reach out to people like you for advice. Lately, I’ve been struggling, and it’s not what I ever wanted. Starting my YouTube journey saved my life, especially after going through cancer and dealing with the challenges of having an ostomy bag. However, I still struggle to embrace all my scars and fully love myself.

I apologize for rambling, but I want you to know that I am fighting battles within myself, and at times, I feel incredibly alone. Your support means everything to me, and knowing that I can open up here gives me a glimmer of hope. Thank you for being there for me, and I’ll continue striving to be a better person and share positivity despite my struggles.

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I’ll share one of my perspectives that usually elicits a “deer in the headlights” reaction from those who hear it. It’s not terribly complicated but it did to a significant extent reinvent my perception of forgiveness. I’ll have to refer to a bit of dogma that is allegedly scriptural, that we are not to judge others so in turn, we will not be judged. However, when thinking about forgiveness, in the absence of judgment, there is no determination of guilt and if that’s true, what is there to forgive? In short, the traditional practice of forgiveness includes the steps, first pass judgment, then forgive that judgment. A cartoon flashes in my mind of one person angrily pushing another down into the dust, then decides to give “forgiveness,” and reaches out to give that individual assistance to get back on his feet.

For me, there is too much cognitive dissonance involved with this traditional practice of “forgiveness.” I don’t know where you stand on religion, but there is one individual documented in Scripture whose practice of forgiveness seems to parallel with what I imagine it to be.

I believe the lost definition of forgiveness involves bypassing judgment and focuses on whatever form of healing or of making things right is needed. For example, say some guy is stealing stuff and is caught. Justice may require that this guy spend some time being incarcerated, but forgiveness should not take the form of “okay, you’ve done your time. We are no longer angry with you. Now go away and stop bothering us.” Instead, effective forgiveness looks past the crime and punishment aspect and deals with whatever problems that individual had that drove him to steal.

What might be considered a milder call for forgiveness is when someone says something offensive and upsetting. The reaction can first be anger, then in a demonstration of “virtue,” tell that person they are forgiven. Typically the outcome of that kind of interaction is the offender continuing to hold a grievance and the person who did the forgiving, having an excuse to feel pious.

Now, considering your mistakes, which form of forgiveness will be of greater benefit to you? The only utility guilt has is to initiate a decision not to repeat a mistake. If you hurt someone, your guilt will not make anything better. On the contrary, guilt is debilitating and destroys confidence. In that weakened state, how easy will it be for you to make positive change?

The only way to not make mistakes is to not do anything, but that would be a mistake :upside_down_face:

What if you reframe mistakes as lessons and instruments of growth?

A wounded healer is the most effective kind. Finding meaning and fulfillment while still contending with demons means that you are highly relatable to those you are inspiring. If you were so saintly that you did not make mistakes, for one thing, you would soon be out of touch with those you seek to help. You would lose audience because people would think your standards and philosophy to be far beyond their reach.

I still get down on myself sometimes, but usually I maintain awareness of my loving intention and when I’m sharing love, I can love myself as an instrument of love. I also believe more love flows through me than from me. That perspective allowed me to avoid burnout and compassion fatigue as a medical provider.

Screwing up sometimes keeps me humble. :slightly_smiling_face:

I admire both your determination and commitment to growth. You might be surprised at how many opportunities to share your journey on YouTube will appear.