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Mixture of thoughts going through my head

So im trying to be really strong and deal with this on my own but posting this now it just feels so pointless. I don’t even know. I guess this post is going to address a few things that been on my mind lately , just not sure , smh.

  • 1 : so on they night i am writing this i am already in one location for acouple more days till i leave for another state to hang and celebrate my 20th birthday with the people on my dads side of the family but it also ill be sharing my birthday with thanksgiving (cool right). Before we left we had a communication issue between me and my father. I ended up crying on the phone when i was talking to my mom because shes my go to person when i have these type of issues. (Side note; Communication and Frustration were issues while i was younger.) It sucks when you need the right answer but at the same time the the answer you get is probably because something is on the other persons mind just like it happened with me . Mean while, yet it was explained the second time to me and yet still wasnt clear enough because apparently i thought i understand what he meant . But clearly not. Also, i fear at coming into an altercation with my dads girlfriend and having to listen to my dad trigger my self harm by yelling. I am fearing it may or may not happen at this trip. But so far it hasnt but it is just the beginning. what should i do so i can make it to the 2 year mark (the 2 year mark is december 12 2019)?
  • 2 : When we got to our destination i looked around and "claimed an area for me so i could relax and work on college stuff but at the end when it actually came to relaxing i was in a weird mood again (probably cause i pulled an all nighter and took naps). It just didnt seem fair but hey life isnt fair right? so i ended up having to deal with what i have to deal with for acouple more days with barely an area to be able to put my laptop so i can do what i need to do . Yet i did find one place but it wasnt permanent. So i resorted in and calling my mom (it was like 4 ish times) cause i didnt feel like i was treated fairly in my own eyes. and i just hung up on my mom when i tried explaining because i felt like she wasnt on my side when i knew she was.
  • 3 : This comes from a different point on something i havent really talked about to anyone or even mentioned on here really . When it comes to previous message from this post people may ask why arent you speaking to your father? and my answer to that is because i dont trust talking to him i dont trust him with this information even though i do say stuff that is considered a tmi ( too much information) neither do my dad his gf or my mom know about my current state of depression , but my dad and mom both know about the time I self harmed in 2016 (freshman year of highschool) but they also do not know about the self harm in 2017 (its now almost 2 years since i self harmed). The point here is how can i trust anyone (mostly my father) if i am unable to come to him about the issues im having in his household even if i do go to my mother in the first place. what should i do ? how should i learn to trust him even though hes taken measures of steps to feel like im not able to go to him .
  • 4 : This will probably be talked about again like i have done in my previous post but something i should even address in this post. The feeling of feeling alone . I know I’ve felt this in the past (first week of November 2019) but i just feel like i am not feeling this now but this feeling may occur when i dont have someone i could rely on (like i do with my mom ) . Yeah i do have my therapist that i somewhat trust but theres some information i do not want to tell her. I know people have busy lifes but when they dont get back to me i just feel alone that i have no one i could rely on in the moment . This feeling only happened once on this trip so far. What should i do when i encounter this feeling after today do you guys have any suggestions?
  • 5: When it comes to thoughts of wanting to kill myself i try to stop them from taking over my life. then it comes to this part where i dont like to hear it at all . when it came to the spot where this is taking plasehe night after we arrived at the place till wednesday, we were playing a board game and my dad makes a comment on how or if something doesnt… i dont know what else he said after that but he jokingly said he was going to kill himself and i knew he was joking but i didnt like that comment coming out of his own mouth ( due to times i wanted to do it myself/the one attempted time). Hope this isnt a useless long post its nearly 4:22 am when I finished this.
    Thanks for responding , have a good day or night. !
    -Ashley

Hey Ashley,

Gosh that’s a lot of stuff going on…thank you for taking the time to write it all out. It’s a tough place to be with your dad / mom because there’s only so much ability you have to influence that situation, and it seems like it has a massive ability to influence you…the fear of their actions flaring up a lot of your struggles is a real thing…and to feel like you’re at the mercy of people you can’t control is really tough, it stirs all kinds of anxiety about what might be coming up. And that sucks.

As far as self-harm, it sounds like you have a lot of successful experience in thwarting those thoughts. You don’t get to one year and 11 months by accident…What have you done in the past to help keep yourself making healthy choices? And if you know that your dad’s emotions in particular are a trigger, what could you prepare in advance to help cope with that in a healthy way? Often, knowing what strategy is set against us is the best information we can use to come up with an effective plan.

As far as the feelings of loneliness are concerned, those really suck. It’s a pretty brutal feeling to be experiencing, and I’m sorry you’re going through that – especially with the holidays looming where it’s seasonally easier to feel that. I think one of the big things that helps me when I’m feeling lonely is taking risks to connect with others. Even if it’s imperfect, just giving someone a call and telling them what’s on my heart/mind is really helpful. Having them hear me, hearing what’s going on in their life…just genuine connection, a check up call, a friendship convo…connection is the opposite of loneliness, and taking the risk to reach out to people, even if they’re not your “best friends” is a great antidote to those feelings.

I don’t have great advice on the family dynamic, but I do think it’s worth investigating why you’re afraid of what your dad might say or why what he says has such an effect on you. Curiosity around your pain and fear can lead to some really fruitful discoveries.

Hope this helps, friend :slight_smile:
-Nate

@Nate ,
Thanks for responding i just have fought these urges . and yeah i deff. agree with what your saying. thanks for responding i hope you have a great rest of the day .

  • Ashley