Mom + nightmare last night

i’ll start with last nights nightmare. i had only been asleep for around 45 minutes when i woke up. i had a looping dream. it started off with me talking to two of my friends and then they melted into the floor and the day sort of restarted. i was confused until it happened again and i realized i was in a loop. i didn’t know i was asleep at first and was banging on something to stop looping my days and give me my friends back. i then was suddenly in my house with a mixture of my sister in laws house. i knew i was asleep by that time but couldn’t do anything about it. i kept screaming that i wanted to wake up. my sister in law showed up and i told her what happened but she didn’t believe me. she said let’s watch a movie and i said okay buti kept gripping onto her so she wouldn’t melt into the floor. she had made popcorn but forgot it once we got to the couch and went to go get it by herself and i was begging her not to. everything was fine until she came back and was about to sit next to me but melted into the floor again. there was a sort of evil monkey laughing throughout the ceiling and i kept pointing to it and telling her to be careful. after she melted i started crying and trying to kill myself and jumping out of windows and things to wake myself up. it worked but whne i woke up i looked at my ceiling and saw a small gremlin-like figure on it and once i looked at it, it started crawling towards me. i saw it even when i picked up my phone and shone my flashlight on it. if that didn’t make me paranoid enough, my cat kept looking into one spot of my room for the next ten minutes after. now onto my mom. i keep recalling how shitty of a daughter i was and i feel terrible over it. i was the one who told her she wouldn’t die when we all first found out she had cancer and i lied. i lied to her about it because now she’s dead. it’s just something you say when people get news like that but i didn’t actually believe she would die. now i feel so shitty because i lied. i kept having nightmares of her too. i keep recalling the worst one where she was laying in her bed when she died and her face was the same expression but she was rotting. it keeps popping up in my head whenever she comes into my mind and i don’t want to think about it. her face from the funeral keeps popping up too. why are funerals a thing??? why do you have to openly display somebody’s dead body on a casket??? it’s horrifying. i don’t want to see that again. i don’t want my dad to die either.

some good news is that i made two really cool friends though. kind of got closer with another and the original two i had are still in the places they have been :slight_smile: i’ve been going on walks more and i went on a long one yesterday. i took my dog with me and we ran into a bunch of people but he actually didn’t bark at them this time. i think it’s because he can sense when i’m anxious around people and wants them to stay away from me. i wore my mask while walking which helped a lot because i’m better if nobody can see my face. a bunch of people said hello and were friendly. i’m not really used to anybody telling me that so it was nice. i want to go again today but it’s kinda hot and i don’t really want to sweat again. gotta get out of that mindset…OH I ALSO MADE A BEEF AND BROCCOLI STIR FRY FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT TURNE DOUT SO GOOD. i’m proud of myself for that. i’m also close to convincing my dad to finally go to the gym with me. i hope he decides to, i really want to be able to use the equipment there. also it’s my birthday in 17 days :smiley: gonna be 18. don’t think i’m really going to be doing anything that day but oh well. also going to visit my (non drug addict) sister in a few days. the 7th to 14th. she lives in west virginia so i have to fly there. anxious about having to fly alone but it’s okay. not too excited to go tbh because it’s an unfamiliar house and i won’t have a private space where i can just get away from everyone

4 Likes

i’m a bit confused. Do you think you somehow are responsible for her death because you told her she wouldn’t die?
Do you think your words somehow affected the spread of the cancer?
Sorry to be so blunt, but this sort of guilt you’re carrying with you blames you for something you couldn’t possible be responsible for! it’s a winless sort of guilt, because it is so extreme, so beyond reality, that you can’t argue with it.
Let’s look at the alternative - it would have been horrific if you had said the opposite to her! Almost everyone tells a sick person that they’re gonna beat it, that they’re gonna get better. No-one tells them that it’s the end of the story, sorry. Not unless it becomes critical and apparent that the end is indeed nearing.

Would it help you to look at happy videos or pics of her, to remind you of how she really was? Funeral pics can be really hard, seeing them like that can be hard.

Do you think you could do a little rite for her to sort of send some happy vibes out into the universe to her or on her behalf, depending on what you beliefs are? something to make a positive memory of her now, to express your love for her, and to release the guilt and pain a bit. I’d say lighting a candle, doing some charity work, or planting a tree. Something that creates or helps another are beautiful ways to create that positive impulse.

I also think of you as the Broccoli Boss hehehe, seems you’ve mastered making it taste yummy! So glad you got friends, thank you for including that in your post, it was lovely to read!

1 Like