More depression

hey yall, its me again.
if you’ve read any of my posts this probably sounds the same haha.

im just so depressed. i can’t do anything but lay in bed. im approaching my last semester in college, majoring in German Studies. im in Munich for this year. I’ve been studying for so long and I just dont feel a control over the language. its so embarrassing and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared to go forward with graduation and be totally unqualified and embarrassed in front of my advisors who might not think i should graduate. but I can’t afford to go to college for another year. I’m just so crushed. i used to have so much fun learning german but now every interaction with the language is almost traumatic. and im just somersaulting, snowballing through embarrassments and now I just have no confidence that I can even do it. I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know why my brain isn’t expanding the more I am around the language. and then if I somehow make it to graduation in one piece, what the HELL do i do after?? I should be planning for what I do after graduation NOW but im just studying abroad, paralyzed by fear. rarely do i have enough energy to do something about that fear, and when I do try to take control, I don’t feel any actual improvement in the language. I have no friends here. I don’t know how to feel safe, emotionally, and im scared. i dont know how to feel loved or relaxed or optimistic. my brain feels shredded.

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I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. Depression can be utterly crippling and I hate how many people have to deal with it.
Being depressed as well as feeling that pressure over college and graduating sounds terrifying.

I don’t want to give any unsollicited advice and instead I just want you to feel heard, but I’m not very good at that, so just know that I heard you and I feel you.
If I can just give one small piece of advice. Maybe go and see your gp and tell them how you are feeling. They may be able to help you even if it’s just to give you a safe space get this out to someone in person.
I also know that depression just messes with your brain and probably is a big part of why your brain just doesn’t want to soak it all up anymore. It’s not your fault but I know the feeling and I still get really frustrated as well when I just can’t remember the most basic of stuff.

See if you can talk to a professional about you feeling so depressed, give it some time to see if you feel better and if you do, try small steps to get you back into learning the language again. Maybe just by watching your favorite series in german. And than worry about after graduation. Take it one step at a time and just try to take care of yourself. Your wellbeing is way more important than some education, trust me.

It’s so scary to feel as if you have no plan and the little plan you do have is not working out, but whatever you do or do not do, I believe in you.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t help at all, but I hope it does.

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Hi nhall2000
I am sorry you are feeling like that. I understand where you are coming from. However you still have time to figure things out. If you are going to think about all of it at once you are gonna feel overwhelmed . Tackle those problems one at a time and in small parts. For example the problem

You can just ask yourself what would you like to do after. That might be the first step. Try to take it slow and one at a time. I wish you the best of luck. :wink:

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From: twixremix

hey nhall! i’m happy to be able to connect with you again. would a language partner, someone dedicated and understanding to help you converse, be an option to boost your confidence? when i was learning japanese, conversing with my friend from japan helped a lot. i would teach her english conversation and she would help me work on my conversation/grammar in japanese. the world is yours afterwards but your focus should be on graduating, making the most of your remaining education and resources (dive into german library books, speak to counselors on future careers, take in the full culture, and build your confidence). confidence does seem to be your main hurdle to overcome so the more attempts, mistakes, and success you have, the better you’ll feel. you have to believe in yourself and say “this is what i chose to study. i know the fundamentals of the language and can do this!” with confidence (even when faked), all things are possible. i believe in you and look forward to hearing from you soon on your progress! love, twix

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi friend, I’m actually proud of you because you’ve stuck with this and you haven’t given up. I’m not familiar with how things work there, but are there study groups you could find? Or perhaps a tutor? There are services that collages offer to help students with things like this too that you could ask about. You got this and remember all this is temporary. Before you know it you’ll be back home ~Mystrose

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Hello @nhall2000

Sounds like you are going through a lot of stress and not getting the level of support you need in your studies. I know you have to be feeling a lot of pressure to complete these courses and worry about succeeding/graduation. Pairing that with being in another country without your friends and family nearby and I can really appreciate your feelings of isolation and what I read as burnout.

What tools can you take advantage of? Does the college have study/tutor sessions available? Do you have classmates that you can practice conversations and double check comprehension with? Advisors should be able to advise.

As far as what do you do after? There isn’t any pressure to have a perfect career after school. I think your degree or even the time in college will help you with a step into many careers, especially if you are looking for language/translation type of careers. Honestly the world is so crazy now that a lot of folks right out of college are just taking what they can or a basic corporate job to get in the door at a company.

I think you have been going through a lot lately and everything you are going through is justified. Make sure to nurture your connections at home - schedule a call with loved ones if you can this week and take some time to also rest your mind. It might sound counterintuitive but rest can make it easier to retain information rather than overstudying.

Anyways I just want to make sure you know we all have your back and that you can get through this. You have been working really hard all along and are to be commended for every day you have spent there.

Take care <3/Mish

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, thanks for your post, first of all, I want to tell you how proud I am of you because you have grabbed hold of your bootstraps, taken youself off to another country on your own for almost 6 months and studied and I think that is remarkable and so brave. So yes you should most definately go forward and graduate because you have worked so hard and deserve it and then as you sound like you are needing to go home maybe that is what you should do for a while and then make choices about what you do next when you are not feeling so lonely and lost. You have done such an amazing job but a clear head and fresh space will help you to make future decissions. I wish you all the luck in the world. Much Love Lisa x

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello there, friend! Depression can really kick you and put you in a place where you feel like nothing you do is good enough. You applied to this program and you were accepted so the people in charge of the program saw the potential in you. I think you are incredibly brave to venture out into the world and try something more difficult than you had to.
I think that if you have the credits and credentials to graduate that you should 100% go forward with it. The advisors you worry about are there to help you. And I’m guessing the school has some counselors that can help you. I think you shouldn’t worry so much about finding something in your field right out of school. You have a finish line in your sights of finishing school and graduating. That is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself for managing it regardless of what happens in the future. If you want to find work in Germany in your field then those advisors you mentioned may be able to help you find some work or internship or something to pursue in the field. And if you are honestly still concerned about what they think then that will help show them how passionate you are about your studies and your future. But I also think that getting your degree and going back home is a great choice as well. You can go home an accomplished graduate with all of the experience and adventure you have had in Germany and you can regroup in familiar territory and decide what you want to do with yourself and your life at that point.

I think you should give yourself a few breaths and take life as it comes and try not to worry about the distant future too much. Be present and enjoy your last few months as a college student. They can be some fun, if difficult days. Good luck my friend and keep us updated please :hrtlegolove:

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From: listening2day

I would keep in mind you are in a learning mode. And when we are learning a skill it is normal to feel as it you do not have complete command of the subject. This is for several reasons: one is simple as you ARE still learning. Others are varied. The teachers are sometimes more critical than otherwise. So of course, as a learner, we feel lacking. If you are in the program, and make your best effort for you, and complete your requirements.
When I got out of school for first degree? I felt like I knew so little. But when I started work? I realized how much I did know. I would be concentrating on doing your best. Seek constructive input from your advisor. These are very uncertain times for all of us. So you can do it! Keep pressing forward. Get your degree.
During a particularly difficult time in school when professors were being difficult someone said to me, “They have theirs. For now you have to do as they say and do best you can. When you graduate, you will have yours. And you can do what you want!” Now I do! Hang in there.

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thank u. i made an appointment with a doctor, im already in therapy but i only had one choice for a therapist here in germany. i hope the doctor can give me medicine to help cause its helped in the past.

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thank u, im gonna do what i can

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i do really feel like im lacking support in both academic and emotional ways. im trying to find people on through the internet (reddit/etc.) that might want to do a tandem-partner situation where we go to a cafe or something and try to speak german in order to improve. i don’t know any of my classmates. i don’t know how to find relatively inexpensive tutoring groups besides one starting in february. the university here isn’t too helpful with that kind of thing but i will try to spend time this week reaching out more and figuring out whats out there.

i wake up most days at 6 to play video games with my friends from home and thats been really nice. i call my parents a lot too. its just so hard cause right now i feel like the only person who i feel would really understand just how crushed and scared i am is my ex. he showed me more patience and attention than any other guy has and its hard not to think about that when i can’t make any meaningful connections here in Germany, and people back home are only available at certain times. it just feels like he was the only one who ever tried to get to know me. every date i go on, every relationship i pursue, it never feels like the guy wants to hear me talk, wants to hear my every thought, wants to make me feel valued.

and i used to be okay with not having a partner. Summer of 2020, I felt like I had a bright future ahead of me and wonderful support system. I felt on top of the world, and I was looking forward to taking everything i learned and put it into the next relationship i had. and i was okay if i didn’t find another relationship for many years, if thats what it took.

but right now i just feel like i can’t keep myself above water, and i think thats why im missing my ex again. it feels so dumb because its been so long, we don’t know each other. but i just wish i had someone to care for me like that. though i know my friends, family, and heartsupport are there for me, its hard not to feel like if my ex or a new guy saw me for me again, it would make all the difference.

sorry to dump all that in this response lol

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Thank you discord team for responding to this. ill be reading and re-reading your replys and crying haha

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It’s OK, don’t worry about info dumping here!

I think when we are at our lowest points it makes us especially vulnerable to loneliness and that’s OK. I think all of us have been there in some way, even if it’s not the exact same. Plus our minds love the idea of a whirlwind romance and a perfect partner. But that takes time and effort that you probably should keep oriented for school for now.

Good that you are trying to connect with college and see what they can support with! I hope they are able to help. You could also check in with local library to see if they have any suggestions too. Librarians usually love to help people.

I wanted to tell you regardless of what happens you should be proud of what you’ve done so far and even if it’s not as you imagined it would be, you have really done something amazing that many folks would not dare to do. I would never have been able to go to international schooling so I think it’s really cool that you are there and have been there for awhile.

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I’m sorry that you have had to deal with this. You still have time and you might be better off than you think you actually are. Learning definitely isn’t the easiest thing sometimes.

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