It was sort of a nasty realization when I realized my mom’s behavior isn’t caused by alcohol. I genuinely thought that she was super kind and didn’t mean what she told me and it was just the alcohol talking, but she did it when she was completely sober. I had hope for her, I had genuine hope that she might just realize what she was doing, but I don’t think she can get better anymore. I don’t think it’s ‘getting better’ anymore. There’s nothing she has to overcome to stop the abuse. Yes, she does need to stop drinking, but in the end, it’s not the alcohol that makes her abusive anymore. She’s told me she won’t consider therapy or seeing a psychiatrist, and she told me she also won’t meet with her doctor to see if her prescription is outdated. She genuinely means what she says.
I used to think she was an actually good person, and that her issues just came out when she was under the influence. But it just takes a minor inconvenience to set her off, she blames her behavior on her ‘sensitive personality’ but I don’t think being a sensitive person = an abusive person. My mom realizes what she does but minimizes the situation. When everything else she has to say to excuse herself fails, she turns to crying and screaming about how I used to abuse and about how I was the one who was abusive. When I was 3 I used to kick at her ankles and cry sometimes when I was upset and having a temper tantrum. I feel like there’s a fine line between what I did as a small child and what she’s done as my mother. She usually argues that a mother is just a person who gives birth, and while she’s not wrong, there’s also responsibility that comes with being a parent. If you can just say “Well a mother is just someone who gives birth to a child and raises it” then there wouldn’t be such things as good mom, bad mom, abusive mom, etc.
I realized that me and my dad don’t stand a chance at winning against her. No matter how much she is in the wrong, we will never be able to overcome this. I’ve decided that once my mother moves, I won’t be going with her. I’ll have to build a relationship with my father because at the moment we really don’t have one, but he’s a better fit for parenting. I sort of hate my life right now because most of the things that can go wrong have gone wrong, but I’m holding in there.