A lot of my recent life happenings have been great. I found a new job with better pay and more hours, my writing has begun to pour out of me more and more as ideas spark in my head all the time, and my fiancee and I are in for an adventurous and fun-filled summer before getting married in September. Even further, I am feeling more and more intertwined with that little piece of God within me with each passing day… but there is one vice that seems to keep resurfacing and trying to ensnare my mentality: pornography. Since around this time last summer, I have been trying so hard not to think about it and I try to avoid and rebuke as much inappropriate media as I can… but I fell down a dark rabbit hole this morning and laid there for an hour just watching and skimming through videos and once I got up I was overwhelmingly disappointed in myself. At least once a month I’ve found myself circling back to it and I want to break this cycle so badly… 
I feel like I am letting Creator down and want to step towards true discipleship so much.
I feel like a complete severance from pornography will open up so much positivity in my life and push me forward perspectively in the things I wanna do.
It’s just… difficult.
I know that isn’t an excuse for my actions, but I am not giving up in the war of beating this. I just lost a battle today and I’m trying so hard not to shame myself and look to Jesus; but I feel like a failure.
Hope all is well with everyone else,
The struggles are really real 
You and every other man my friend! For me, the disappointed feeling comes over me because I know that I have done something that does not honor God. I feel like I upset Dad when I struck out again. What I try to remember is that Dad or God does not keep me down when I fail. He builds me up! When I struggle I ask my Heavenly Father for strength to overcome my earthly desires. I mean Jesus even says to look upon a woman with lust in the heart is to commit adultery. Yikes! I try to remember that I am loved as a sinner and I try to work on my lust. Acceptance for me was the first moment of grace I received in this department.
Keep in touch!
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I think that is something I have lacked with this… I keep brushing it off as an, “oh everybody does it, I’ll be fine,” kinda thing when in reality it is truly something that can stunt your mentality and keep you from advancing in the purpose that God has laid out for you.
I feel like that little piece of God in me always speaks to me in the third person and expresses His disappointment…but never gives up on trying to better me from within. I just have to actively seek out the things of God and be more diligent in my pursuit towards righteousness and discipleship. I can’t expect to be a holy man if I choose to entertain sin.
Thank you for your kind and guiding words, @JohnnyP they mean the world and all the stars to me
The struggle is real, especially now days. We have the entire world at the tips of our fingers, how are we not supposed to let our worst desires win once in a while. I lost my wife because of porn. She was young and so beautiful but I chose to watch porn instead of being sexually active with her since I was a selfish asshole. We divorced due to that and other things but I ruined her image of herself. I took the woman I loved and made her feel like she wasn’t as good as a porn star. She wasn’t as pretty as the girls I was watching. I loved her more than anything, found her more beautiful and attractive than any other person I had ever met, yet I was selfish. I killed her self esteem. It was my fault.
I tell you this so you can see a terrible future that could happen (hopefully not) to you. There are great apps out there now days that help us be held accountable to the people we love. There is the xxxchurch app and others like it that monitor what you look at on your phone and sends updates to your SO. Its a lot easier to not look at things when you know your wife/fiance know what you are looking at online. Modern problems require modern solutions. I wish you luck, this is the farthest thing from easy. The most important things are usually quite difficult but the most rewarding. You got this brother.
