A lot of my recent life happenings have been great. I found a new job with better pay and more hours, my writing has begun to pour out of me more and more as ideas spark in my head all the time, and my fiancee and I are in for an adventurous and fun-filled summer before getting married in September. Even further, I am feeling more and more intertwined with that little piece of God within me with each passing day… but there is one vice that seems to keep resurfacing and trying to ensnare my mentality: pornography. Since around this time last summer, I have been trying so hard not to think about it and I try to avoid and rebuke as much inappropriate media as I can… but I fell down a dark rabbit hole this morning and laid there for an hour just watching and skimming through videos and once I got up I was overwhelmingly disappointed in myself. At least once a month I’ve found myself circling back to it and I want to break this cycle so badly…
I feel like I am letting Creator down and want to step towards true discipleship so much.
I feel like a complete severance from pornography will open up so much positivity in my life and push me forward perspectively in the things I wanna do.
It’s just… difficult.
I know that isn’t an excuse for my actions, but I am not giving up in the war of beating this. I just lost a battle today and I’m trying so hard not to shame myself and look to Jesus; but I feel like a failure.
Hope all is well with everyone else,
The struggles are really real