I’ve been off of here for some time now. For a while I felt as if my mental health was on the up and up. I stopped my meds months ago and thought I was doing fine. Moved back home after college and have been trying to get some direction in life. My problem is I don’t have any idea who I am. I constantly find myself switching between different lifestyles or identities you could say.
Maybe this is normal. I really don’t know. A big part of my issue I think is past things in my life both known and unknown. I truly don’t know where I come from or what I’m made of. Being adopted took away any sense of self it seems. The idea that I’ve been living in a sort of lie where it’s not really me but someone trapped in another’s world. I love my family and all they do for me, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to deal with this burden. I feel like I need to be like them or do what makes them happy. This however is just another item on the never ending list of issues in my life.
Identify problems, depression that I think is really bipolar, anxiety, ptsd symptoms from a serious bike wreck and other medical procedures, spiritual beliefs, etc. I don’t seem to make any progress in fixing this list or understanding it. I only seem to add to it and make things worse until it all culminates in to one big explosion of suicidal thoughts, severe depression, and panic attacks as it has every year.
I want to move forward with my life and do the things I want to, but fear these stones are making it impossible to do. I don’t know how to solve any of this. I’ve had five different counselors, two psychiatrists, and been on around 6 different medications all of which seem to have truly done nothing to make it better. I need help on what to do, I’m at my end with trying to make things work. It doesn’t help that most of this just stays in my head because those around me never help and I don’t feel I can trust them at all. They wouldn’t understand the hell that is my mind, memory, and life stability.