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Moving forward in life but feeling the weight of it all

I’ve been off of here for some time now. For a while I felt as if my mental health was on the up and up. I stopped my meds months ago and thought I was doing fine. Moved back home after college and have been trying to get some direction in life. My problem is I don’t have any idea who I am. I constantly find myself switching between different lifestyles or identities you could say.

Maybe this is normal. I really don’t know. A big part of my issue I think is past things in my life both known and unknown. I truly don’t know where I come from or what I’m made of. Being adopted took away any sense of self it seems. The idea that I’ve been living in a sort of lie where it’s not really me but someone trapped in another’s world. I love my family and all they do for me, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to deal with this burden. I feel like I need to be like them or do what makes them happy. This however is just another item on the never ending list of issues in my life.

Identify problems, depression that I think is really bipolar, anxiety, ptsd symptoms from a serious bike wreck and other medical procedures, spiritual beliefs, etc. I don’t seem to make any progress in fixing this list or understanding it. I only seem to add to it and make things worse until it all culminates in to one big explosion of suicidal thoughts, severe depression, and panic attacks as it has every year.

I want to move forward with my life and do the things I want to, but fear these stones are making it impossible to do. I don’t know how to solve any of this. I’ve had five different counselors, two psychiatrists, and been on around 6 different medications all of which seem to have truly done nothing to make it better. I need help on what to do, I’m at my end with trying to make things work. It doesn’t help that most of this just stays in my head because those around me never help and I don’t feel I can trust them at all. They wouldn’t understand the hell that is my mind, memory, and life stability.

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Hey, you are not alone. We are here for you. I know it’s hard to fight with all that you’re going through, but please keep fighting. God created you with a purpose. I’ve seen in your bio that music helps you. Music is a powerful weapon, I know. It also helps me. I want to share a video with you I hope it will help you.

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I think that’s the thing with mental health it almost cycles where we have days where we feel that we can handle it all and then there are days where it just becomes too overwhelming. I must ask when you stopped your meds did a doctor tell you to stop taking them or did you do that on your own? I know I shouldn’t give medical advice but I think when it comes to medication always discuss that with your doctor so that way you can have the best outcome possible. As far as direction it may sound cliche to say that it feels normal with trying to find direction in life but it truly is. I just graduated myself back in July and am trying to figure out myself and work towards my goals. It is perfectly okay to not know who you are and what you want to do it takes time and that is okay. As far as coping with being adopted have you thought about going to adoption support groups? If anything they can help you get connected to other people feeling the same way you do. It takes time to figure out who you are and what you want your life to be about and there is nothing wrong with that. The important thing is to know that you are not alone in this and that more than likely everyone here at Heartsupport has had that type of experience.

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