Moving in… No thanks

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Let me preface this with saying, I’m going to be very blunt and harsh regarding the other person involved, but it’s very much so needed to add context to the person.

Also preface: I’ve been staying with my parents along with my husband since may of 2022. And it’s worked out. I help them they help us etc.

Anyways let’s get started. My fathers mother owns the apartment complex that we live in, and she lives in the apartment next door.

In the past couple of months, she’s went crazy. Now I don’t use that word lightly but she literally has. She has delusions that things are happening that aren’t. She lashes out at people about random things that sometimes didn’t even happen, or if they did happen they weren’t meant to be harmful.

A perfect example of the above behavior is 1) on Christmas my other grandma (my moms mom, who also lives with us, bought us these hug rings as something to remind us of her and she’s getting older). And other grandma my dads mom went off on my moms mom for buying them saying she shouldn’t have bought those for us. That she felt it was an attack on her.

Second example is she thought for weeks that the irs was after her, her bank was being closed, and that the cops were coming for her. None of which was true or had any backing.

This woman is mentally and emotionally unstable, and to put it blunt I don’t feel safe around her as she often lashes out or freaks out.

Now, with all of this going on my father and my aunt want my husband to move in with her. As she can’t live alone anymore, but doesn’t want to give up her independence.

Now my thoughts are she needs to go to a long term mental health hospital til they can figure out what’s going on, and fix it, or until they end up sending her somewhere permanently.

Now for those of you who don’t know me, hi I’m monkey. I struggle with my own mental health. But I’m also 33 weeks pregnant.

I don’t feel comfortable putting myself, my husband or my soon to be child in that situation. In my mind it almost seems stupid they would even bring it up.

I wouldn’t even feel comfortable having her hold my child if I wasn’t there. None the less the kid sleeping in the same house as her. No shot.

So what’s y’all’s advice. How do I tell my dad no without hurting his feelings or seeming like the bad guy. Sorry for the long winded post.

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Wow. That is a really hard situation. Family is always difficult. You feel obligated to help them, no matter how toxic the situations might be. It must be tough for you to see your grandmother devolve like that, and it must be really hard on your dad too.

That said, your concerns are valid. You wouldn’t owe it to anyone to move in with her even if it was just you, or you and your husband; but your family is about to grow, and you need space and security. Having a newborn is challenging enough without taking care of a senile grandparent and worrying for your child’s safety.

The nice way to tell your dad no is to explain to him that you want time and space to adjust to being a mother and to find a rhythm for your new family dynamic, and that you have concerns for the safety of your baby around her. The blunt way to tell him no is just to tell him no. It’s one thing for you to volunteer to move in and care for her, it’s another thing for him and your aunt to tell you that you have to. If he’s that concerned about it, he should move in with her. After all, she is his mother.

Either way, his feelings will probably be hurt. Either way, you’re going to feel bad because we don’t want to take hard lines with family, and the subject in question is an important family member who, lacking the capacity to make her own decisions, is being considered more like an object than a person as you decide how to best take care of her. Whatever the outcome, someone is going to wind up in an uncomfortable position they would rather not be in. As for you, you have your own nuclear family to care for now. Someday you may need to make similar decisions about your dad. Would you default to putting him off on your baby?

For what it’s worth, caring for an aging family member is HARD. My grandmother watched as her brother cared for their mom, and picked out a future nursing facility in her 60s because she did not want her kids to go through that with her, something she emphasized for 20 years. When she finally went to the nursing facility in her 80s, it didn’t sit right with one of my aunts, who thought someone should have taken her in. When her mother-in-law could no longer live on her own, my aunt and uncle took her in, and it was the worst few years of my aunt’s life. They finally put her in a home that was equipped to deal with her cognitive issues, and everyone is happier for it.

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From: The Blind Ash

Dearest Monkey, firstly I am sorry you are dealing with this situation it is tough. I know that this is something that is super tough. I do agree that your grandmother needs help medicially in someway this might not be mental health issue it could be something with age like the disorders that cause memory loss and not being able to understand stuff. I also know that the fear of this is super tough. If you truly are fearful for you husband and yourself in that situation than it is important you do sit down with your dad and explain what is going on for you. I also know that might not be easy but it will be worth it. Perhaps suggestion another idea or person to do this moving in aside from you and your husband and soon to be family. It sounds like it would be tough either route and sometimes sharing with a parent can be eye opening for both of you. I know my own grandmother is going down hill due to loosing her memory and such. Sadly not much can be done and she forgets things quickly my mom cant entirely live with her but she is living nearby so that she can join in the care more often. Perhaps a solution could be a nurse to come during specific times. A lot of insurances will cover that. I hope you can find a good alternative and still share with your dad how this is effecting you and your family. Hold fast Ash

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From: ManekiNeko

hey thanks for sharing. It’s such a hard situation to be in. You probably don’t want to hurt anyone or say the wrong things, but when it comes down to it, hurting your fathers feelings and putting yourself in a position you don’t feel safe is a decision that I feel would be the latter.

as uncomfortable as it may be, I hope your dad would see things from your perspective and it would give you both an opportunity to find another solution. Would in home care be an option? There are a lot of teams that can be involved in an in home care assessment. Mental health teams, geriatric teams, allied health teams ect. It might be worth looking in to. Or is there another member who would feel more comfortable moving in with her? At the end of the day you don’t want to have to feel like you’re on edge and having to supervise someone around your baby.

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