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My anxiety is getting the better of me about my home buying process


#1

Well, here we go.

Last night I had the worst anxiety that I have had in years. Aside from the obvious house buying process this week, all in all I had a good weekend. Kait’s dad’s surgery went well and he is already home, we had a nice lunch with her family on Saturday, and yesterday we got out in the woods to pick some morel mushrooms. But of course, the stress of work, having to move, and the home buying process have taken their toll on my mental health these past 2 weeks.

If you guys didn’t know, I am in the process of buying a house, because two weeks ago I got a letter in the mail from my landlord stating that he is going to raise my rent $150 a month. That’s pretty egregious for the area that we live in, so I finally buckled down and decided that I was going to start applying for a mortgage, and looking for my dream house. Last week on stream, we talked about how I was unsure of my eligibility for a VA loan, because of my discharge from the Marines, but those fears were dismantled when on Wednesday, I received a call from my lender saying that I was eligible and pre-approved, so I should start looking. This was obviously a HUGE boost to my morale, because with that loan type I won’t have to make any down payment, or pay private mortgage insurance. But still, the stress of the whole process still lingered.
Trying to get out of my apartment ASAP to avoid having to dump any more money into another person’s wallet, I have been FRANTICALLY searching for houses. There have been 5 houses that I have been interested in this area, and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them has gone into contingent status (which means they have an accepted offer, and have been appraised/inspected) right before I was able to see them. Every single day my realtor has called me with disappointing news about another house I was interested in. Well, besides one. The house that I looked at on Saturday is a dream, and we submitted a fair offer for it Saturday night, only for the seller to come back with a counter offer that was only $1K below their asking price. Now I don’t know their situation, but obviously I was CRUSHED. We came back to Kait’s parents for the evening to spend some more time with her family for Mother’s Day, and I had some time to reach out to my own family for some guidance and reassurance, and to fill them in about all the happenings with the dream house. After I filled them all in, I got a nasty gram from one of my siblings saying that “complaining about your rent going up, and then ‘flaunting’ your mortgage costs in our faces makes you look like a fucking ass and is super rude and uncalled for”. And this came after I explained the situation to them, and that I had completely thought everything out on what I can afford.
Looking back now, I should have just sloughed that off, explained myself, and settled it. But of course, my anxiety and anger got the better of me. So I lashed out, made a big fool of myself, and put myself into an even darker place. My siblings are my lifeline, they have ALWAYS been there for me through thick and thin, and have been my rock through every bump in my life. To have one of them come at me while I was in a time of need, and not be understanding just really set me off.

At this point, all of my anxieties came to a head, and the demons started flooding my thoughts with despair. I haven’t been able to come back down from that since yesterday, and actually called into work today because I am such a mess. I sat awake in bed most of the night thinking about every possible scenario for this whole situation to go wrong, and convincing myself that I wasn’t making the right decisions about EVERYTHING that I have worked so hard for the past couple of years leading up to this point. Every thought was like another discouraging stab at my stability, and at this point I am pretty much about to break.

Thank you for listening guys, I love you all.

Matt
Twoguys1Couch


#2

Hey Matt, not sure if we’ve ever formally met, but wanted to pop in and try to encourage you brother. I was in the Corps too, and remember buying my home about 3 years ago. I used the VA loan as well, and I remember losing actual sleep over one little tiny section of roofing on the house we fell in love with - it sloped down just slightly and I was terrified that whatever VA inspector guy came out to look at “my” house was going to disapprove it and we’d have to start all over! Was super not a fun time.

If I struggle with anything it’s anxiety man, and I feel ya. You ever feel like things were simple while we were in? I don’t know about you, but sometimes I think back on my time in and remember how simple it was- you don’t have to worry about cooking food, or getting paid, or your living situation (sure it was all crappy, but you just didn’t have to worry about it), you just had to do your job. And, they don’t really train you to be out in the world either do they? Man what I would have given for a short class on what the hell escrow is, or how often to check your A/C for maintenance, or home taxes.

But, I end up remembering why I got out. Maybe you got out for the same reason, but mine was definitely for freedom- I wanted to be free, and be my own person, own my own things. And, I have those things, and I’m happy, but man, the anxiety crushes me sometimes. The menial chores and tasks and maintenance stuff just NEVER ends. I would rather take a bullet in the shin than fold my laundry every single Sunday. No, really. It’s a weird kind of freedom huh?

Anyway, I hope it helps to know that we’re in this together - you and I and all of our brothers out there trying to figure life out. Sometimes it helps me to imagine what would happen if I DON’T do all of those things. Would the world end if I didn’t mow the lawn today? Nah. Will my son still go to college if I don’t read him a bedtime story every night? Yea, he super will. Definitely not making light of what you’re going through, but also I want to urge you not to be so hard on yourself. I think you’re doing great man, even if your family thinks otherwise. You’re doing your best, and that’s good

Take a breath man. You got this. If we ever get to meet, beers are on me.


#3

Matt, man, it’s almost like you were standing on this cliff edge looking out over a beautiful horizon with so much hope and promise…one you feel is so within your grasp that it fills your heart with anticipation and excitement as you realize that this horizon is going to be yours!! You want to stay in the moment and soak it in, but cracks start to form on this ledge, and slowly but surely they start to take over the lip you’re standing on…you start to shift your feet backwards and try to find stable ground, and you realize the people you know you can trust are standing behind you, which gives you great relief…then you reach out and they push you back into the crumbling cliffside when you needed them to help you the most…you feel like you’re about to go overboard as all of this starts to cave in…

It’s melded with so much mess, man…all of the anxiety surrounding the whole event, knowing that you’ve been here before but not feeling like in the moment you can tell up from down…getting let down, but then letting yourself down in the way you responded…then the way that the shame and tangle of that whole mess spiraled you lower…gosh, dude…brutal place to be. I’m so sorry that this beautiful vision is getting tainted with all of the details.

I am honored you reached out in the midst of the chaos. It’s so hard to do that – just today I felt I was spiraling downwards, and I didn’t reach out because I believed the lie it’d take too much time/effort to do so. Courageous, man. Thank you for sharing.

One of the things I love that a mentor said to me was that staying on the “right path” is like flying a plane…99% of the time it’s off course…the name of the game isn’t staying on course, it’s actually getting back to on course…which is so encouraging, because I feel like I’m off course all the time and am just trying desperately to hang on…I had the privilege the other day to fly for the first time (someone else flew and I had a moment or two flying from the passenger seat)…and holy moly, I was a wreck. I was going up hundreds of feet not even knowing it…any time I tried to adjust, I nearly spun myself into a nose dive (not literally but it felt like it)…it was a crazy experience…but in all of my fumbling, I realized that I was – at that moment – flying over my house!! What a surreal moment to realize that despite all of my bumbling, I was still making progress and got to experience something I was really proud of.

I know that at the end of this home buying experience (because you are a man that has what it takes to see this through, I know it), you’re going to be able to say, “I persevered.” You will have bumbled and stumbled through it, but it’s your first time in the cockpit buying a house…you’re doing great. And before you know it you’re going to be looking down on your house (literally) and in awe of how this journey got you to this peak experience. And in the end, you’ll think to yourself that even though it was a bumpy ride, it was so worth it.


#4

Hey buddy, sorry to hear about the rough time. Just know this, a lot of people have to save up over years to buy a new home. And also it takes time to find a place you like and works for you. Hell, my parents had to drive back and forth 3 and a half hours from Louisiana to Houston a couple times to find a place here before we moved. Can’t imagine if it were further you’d have to pay for flights and such.

Not everything is under our control in life; We just have to understand that and come to terms with the reality of it. Then we can truly be at peace about it because it’s understood that there could be something that doesn’t go our way. Multiple options, paths, roads is all we can evaluate and be ready to take if we need to take them. This can be true in many areas of life to buying a house to selecting what you want to do in life to picking a subject in school to study to choosing a company to work at to choosing who you want to be friends with. All have varying degrees of uncertainty and we must choose what best works for us.

Is there a time crunch going on here? If so, maybe you need to figure out something that will allow you more time to find something you really want out of a house.

Not really understanding why your sibling got so angry. How does filling them in on the rent increase and how you telling them what the mortgage costs are is considered “flaunting”? Anyways, yeah, that would have made me angry too but taking a deep breath and calmly talking it out is always best to start with in that situation. Everyone has a tipping point though and it’s ok sometimes to express it if you are really under distress.

Love you Matt, just take a step back for a bit and realize that this is a process and it will take some time to get through. It’s all work out in the end!
Also, keep you eye on the prise! The main thing with a house is that you are no longer going to be throwing away money at rent. You are investing it long term now which is the best thing you can do!


#5

Hi, Matt

Man, I’m so sorry that you are dealing with so much stress. Damn, that’s really rough.

I really hope that this all finds some kind of resolve so that you can be relieved of all this stress anxiety. I know I’d just be a mess. I don’t handle these kind of stresses very well.

And I’m really sorry that your siblings were not more supportive. I don’t blame you for having such a hard time. The way they reacted wasn’t anymore pleasant. So it seems a little unfair. It’s hard when family doesn’t offer a more patient demeanor and chooses hurtful words. Makes it hard to not bite back. Been there.

I’m sending you so much love through this. One day at a time buddy.

I wish I had more to offer you and your situation. And more words. I feel like I’m lacking in comfort. But I care about you and your situation. And I truly hope it gets better.

  • Kitty

#6

Video Response:

Love you, dude.