Well, here we go.
Last night I had the worst anxiety that I have had in years. Aside from the obvious house buying process this week, all in all I had a good weekend. Kait’s dad’s surgery went well and he is already home, we had a nice lunch with her family on Saturday, and yesterday we got out in the woods to pick some morel mushrooms. But of course, the stress of work, having to move, and the home buying process have taken their toll on my mental health these past 2 weeks.
If you guys didn’t know, I am in the process of buying a house, because two weeks ago I got a letter in the mail from my landlord stating that he is going to raise my rent $150 a month. That’s pretty egregious for the area that we live in, so I finally buckled down and decided that I was going to start applying for a mortgage, and looking for my dream house. Last week on stream, we talked about how I was unsure of my eligibility for a VA loan, because of my discharge from the Marines, but those fears were dismantled when on Wednesday, I received a call from my lender saying that I was eligible and pre-approved, so I should start looking. This was obviously a HUGE boost to my morale, because with that loan type I won’t have to make any down payment, or pay private mortgage insurance. But still, the stress of the whole process still lingered.
Trying to get out of my apartment ASAP to avoid having to dump any more money into another person’s wallet, I have been FRANTICALLY searching for houses. There have been 5 houses that I have been interested in this area, and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them has gone into contingent status (which means they have an accepted offer, and have been appraised/inspected) right before I was able to see them. Every single day my realtor has called me with disappointing news about another house I was interested in. Well, besides one. The house that I looked at on Saturday is a dream, and we submitted a fair offer for it Saturday night, only for the seller to come back with a counter offer that was only $1K below their asking price. Now I don’t know their situation, but obviously I was CRUSHED. We came back to Kait’s parents for the evening to spend some more time with her family for Mother’s Day, and I had some time to reach out to my own family for some guidance and reassurance, and to fill them in about all the happenings with the dream house. After I filled them all in, I got a nasty gram from one of my siblings saying that “complaining about your rent going up, and then ‘flaunting’ your mortgage costs in our faces makes you look like a fucking ass and is super rude and uncalled for”. And this came after I explained the situation to them, and that I had completely thought everything out on what I can afford.
Looking back now, I should have just sloughed that off, explained myself, and settled it. But of course, my anxiety and anger got the better of me. So I lashed out, made a big fool of myself, and put myself into an even darker place. My siblings are my lifeline, they have ALWAYS been there for me through thick and thin, and have been my rock through every bump in my life. To have one of them come at me while I was in a time of need, and not be understanding just really set me off.
At this point, all of my anxieties came to a head, and the demons started flooding my thoughts with despair. I haven’t been able to come back down from that since yesterday, and actually called into work today because I am such a mess. I sat awake in bed most of the night thinking about every possible scenario for this whole situation to go wrong, and convincing myself that I wasn’t making the right decisions about EVERYTHING that I have worked so hard for the past couple of years leading up to this point. Every thought was like another discouraging stab at my stability, and at this point I am pretty much about to break.
Thank you for listening guys, I love you all.