My anxiety is getting worse and I can’t get help

So I’ve noticed I’ve been having a lot more anxiety lately, and I think a lot of it comes from my family. I’ve noticed some toxic patterns from my parents lately, and I’m not sure what to exactly do with it. I never have felt safe to actually be myself at home or with my parents. Anytime I am, my parents become overly critical and try to control how I behave. I’ve constantly dealt with my parents reading diaries and using teachers to know what I’m doing, so I’ve never felt safe to even confide in a journal (let alone another person) about my issues. I don’t even feel safe talking to friends on the phone or making personal art because of my environment. I slowly feel like I’m losing parts of my personality because I can’t freely express myself. My only escape is the few times I’m allowed to go to the gym (which thanks to bad weather and car troubles hasn’t happened in a while).
I’m really getting worried because now I’m having bad anxiety going out in public with my family. I know I have a hard time with going out in public every winter, so that I’ve dealt with before. But it’s significantly worse when I’m with my family too. I’m almost always sick to my stomach when I’m out with my parents. Just this weekend, I had a panic attack while grocery shopping with my mom. And I couldn’t tell her what was going on. The last time I told my parents I was having bad anxiety and wanted to see a therapist again, they literally told me “we’re your therapist now, and you need to pray more.” (Which is some real salt to a wound when you already have been a lot). So if I come back and say, hey my anxiety’s getting worse, I’m gonna get the same answer and then thrown under the bus for not trying hard enough.
I’m trying my hardest to hold on until I can get a job and move out. I’m almost done with college, so I’m getting closer every day. I just don’t know if I can keep this up much longer.

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Your parents sound extremely toxic and it just makes sense for some weird reason the way you feel does. The whole thing about them being your therapists and you need to pray more, and they trying to find out what you have been doing…
That is almost giving me anxiety right now. It sounds weirdly familiar to me and I don;t know why.
A thing you should do is to create some sort of place whether it be physical or virtual where you can put things that your toxic parents would never find, and do your art.

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You can make it! Hang in there! There’s one place your parents can’t get to, that’s your mind. Also, you are here. Can your parents monitor what you write here? I’ve noticed that when a school term was about to end, time seemed to slow down, at least until it was crunch time for exams. So you’re closer to a time when you can move out, and you’re getting impatient. I think some time alone, perhaps with a distraction, such as a decent book, will help you cope. Your parents are not your therapist. If you have no access to a therapist, at least talking here might help. Also, you can try some meditation, or similar relaxation technique. When you do move out, getting a therapist may be easier.


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